You Say You Want A Resolution

Okay, that’s another year come and gone (much like Katie Hill’s political career) and it’s time to reflect on what I’ve done. So give me a moment while I look back at my New Year’s resolutions for 2019.

Start taking watermelon supplements. Check.

Make a will. Completed.

Spend $120 thousand on a banana duct taped to a wall. Yep.

Get that tool Nursultan Nazarbayev to resign. Done.

Sign up for BarkBox. Sure.

Get a dog. Ehhhh, not yet.

Make the phrase “OK, Boomer” catch on. Got it!

Dare Bradley Cooper to end his relationship on live TV. Sigh, yes.

Stall Brexit. Done.

Get Taylor and Katy to patch things up. Not easy but yes.

Make sure Lori Loughlin ends up behind bars. Working on it.

Don’t spoil the ending of “Avengers: Endgame” where Tony Stark dies. Oops – crap. No.

Make “Baby Yoda” a thing. Yeah.

Track down my birth parents and burn down their house. Yep.

Make up a cool dance to the JoBros “Sucker” and teach my cats to do it. Yessireee.

Get the Hello Fresh, America’s most popular meal kit. Hallelujah, YES!!!! What an awesome bargain!

Take under the table payment from Hello Fresh to promote their service. Mmmm… I’m not telling.

Just chill. Tried it; didn’t take.

Put a fork in that sham of a marriage between Miley and Liam. Check.

Have a royal baby named after me. Officially – no but Meghan promises to call him “Sparky” every chance she gets.

Sacrifice a homeless drifter to my vengeful pagan god and pray for the decimation of my enemies. Check.

Get a clue. Never!

Spend an entire weekend playing the Untitled Goose Game. Done that.

Get busy living or get busy dying. Finally.

Get my college buddy James Hetfield treatment for his massive addiction. Again, yep.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly again and learn to live so free. Yes (thanks primarily to Mr. Mister).

Make sure America never sees the horror that is Tom Hooper’s “Cats.” Damn. Almost. Oh well – nobody’s perfect.

It was a busy year as you can tell. Hope yours was fruitful. Or at the very least relatively free of the kind of crap that makes you want to put your fist through a wall. Maybe I’m getting old but sometimes I think that’s the most you can hope for.

Sigh.

Happy 2020.