Posts Tagged ‘Vampires’

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Halloween Edition)

October 30, 2018

 

Five Ways To Make Trick or Treaters Love You

Let kids grab as much candy as they want

Give out full sized candy bars

Cover house with Halloween decorations & play scary music

Give out eggs and directions to your enemies’ houses

Have hot mom in low-cut costume bend over when handing out candy

 

Five Costume Mash-up Ideas

Jennifer Lawrence of Arabia

Grumpy Cat in the Hat

Iron Manilow

Smokey Bear Grylls

Jay Cutler and Silent Bob Costas

 

Five Unfortunate Halloween Activities

Making mummy costumes out of toilet paper

Refilling the carved pumpkins

Having kids trade in their candy for hugs from a stranger

Bobbing for retainers

Eating Count Chocula alone in the dark and crying

 

Five Bad Halloween Experiences

Rain, couldn’t go trick or treating – 6th grade

Bullies stole my candy – 2nd grade

Egged ex’s house & got caught by her drill sergeant dad – senior year

Sliced finger off carving pumpkin – 9th grade

Neighborhood kids mocked my Hello Kitty costume – last year

 

Five Bad Ideas For Horror Movies

Jason Vorhees opens B&B with life partner Chad

Angsty teen vampires

…and on the door was a bloody hoop!

The zombies are a metaphor for … ah, really, who gives a crap?

Young girl possessed by Santana

 

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The Origin of Independence Day

July 4, 2018

The world’s first Fourth of July celebration was held in 1653 in Plymouth, Massachusetts. The Pilgrims, after a particularly hard Winter, had planted their crops for the coming year. Tending to their fields was of utmost importance to the colonists but the Governor of the settlement had decreed that one day should be set aside for a Display of Fealty to the Crown. The date chosen was July 4, 1653. The date is of importance because it fell upon a Thursday and it was heretofore unheard of to take a day of rest that did not fall upon the Sabbath. But July 4 was picked not because of any religious or political import but because the Governor had a mistress and he wanted an excuse to visit her. With the colony celebrating his newfound holiday, he could use this day to sneak off and visit his mistress – an act unthinkable on the Sabbath or any established Holy Day. But his scheme was not to pass as his journey to the prearranged tryst location was fraught with disaster. First, his wagon wheel was warped and his axle split, throwing him and hobbling his horse. Then, he ran afoul of Dracula. Once in the thrall of the dark vampire lord, the Pilgrim Governor was sent to assassinate Cardinal Richelieu of the Spanish Inquisition. Thankfully Prince Valiant and Mothra intervened and stopped the Governor. Then Richelieu sent the cast of Hamilton to Dracula’s stronghold to defeat him. The subsequent victory was celebrated on July 4 and every subsequent year. And, thus, Independence Day was born.

It’s all true – Nancy O’Dell said so on Entertainment Tonight. Or – or maybe I read it on Wikipedia. I’m not sure, really. I drank some bad milk and downed pretty much a whole bottle of ZzzQuil. Don’t judge me! It’s a holiday!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Halloween Edition)

October 28, 2016

Five Treats Worth Tricking Over

Caramel Apples

Gum

Mr. Goodbar Miniature

Nik-L Nips

Luden’s Cough Drops

 

Five Costume Ideas I’m Considering

The Walking Dead (Jerry Garcia as a zombie)

Bernie Sanders

Uncle Grandpa

The Crunchberry Beast

Uranus

 

Five Other Vampire Weaknesses

Shrimp forks in the elbow

Pillow fights

Sunny D

Long Division

Sister Wives marathons on TLC

 

Five Bad Haunted House Ideas

Giant bowl of lukewarm soup

Sauna full of Duggars

Community bulletin board full of spelling errors

Trailer park garage sale

KFC with a B sanitation grade

 

Five Horror Movies That Would Suck

The Cabinet of Dr. Philgari

Drag Me To Helsinki

The Blair from The Facts of Life Project

When A Stranger Caulks

Rosemary’s Bieber