Posts Tagged ‘Star Wars’

It Was 40 Years Ago Today

August 11, 2017

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1977 on my old Usenet site, “Sparky Mac’s Super Special Ultra Groovy Love Machine”…]

It was shaping up to be a pretty good year.

That real square Son of Sam was finally off the streets. The Alaskan pipeline was making sure the energy crisis was a thing of the past. I got to return from Canada thanks to the Prez from Plains. I came one step closer to living the Jetsons life when I picked me up one of those groovy Apple IIs. I even got that dy-no-mite Kiss comic that Marvel put out with the group’s very own blood in the ink. And to top it all off I discovered the most outta sight piece of celluloid fantasy Tinseltown has ever seen fit to lay on us masses – “Star Wars!” (And before you ask, I’ve seen it nine times. It’s the coolest, man! Luke and Leia are the bossest screen couple since Bogey and Bacall. And back off, Solo! She’s obviously Luke’s squeeze!)

Anyway, as I said, it _was_ shaping up to be a pretty good year. Now, I just got some really bad news which all but ruins the whole dang decade (even moreso than that over-hyped bicentennial barf last year). Hold onto your hats, gang – here it is:

Farrah Fawcett is leaving “Charlie’s Angels!”

No, that’s not a mistake. I just read the article in TV Guide and I’m one POed cat! In fact, I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore! How in hades is this show going to continue?! How will television go on?! How will I ever look forward to Wednesday nights again?! NO FARRAH!?!? Say it ain’t so! I mean, it’s bad enough that ABC is losing “The Bionic Woman” to that jive Peacock and that they’ve taken “The Captain And Tennille” off the air, but to lose Ms. Fawcett as well is just too heavy, man. I can’t deal. Somebody’s cruisin’ for a brusin’!

Sure we’ll have her groovy posters and t-shirts and she says she wants to do more movies but I saw “Logan’s Run” and if you blink you miss her. [And forgive the aside but what a head trip that movie was. Sanctuary and killing people at thirty! That’s like old, man. I _should_ be killed when I get that ancient and gross and uncool.] Why can’t the blonde goddess just be happy with her life? She’s one of “Charlie’s Angels,” man! One of the foxiest ladies on the planet! And she’s married to that Six Million Dollar Man hunk too! Who couldn’t be happy with all that?

So, please, Farrah Fawcett. Please stay on “Charlie’s Angels.” If it’s the bread, mama, then I urge you to reconsider and think of your fans. There’s a lot of horny guys out here who need you each and every week to give flight to our far out fantasies, babe. And there ain’t no replacement Angel who could ever fill your wings.

To quote super rockers Firefall: “You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of. I knew it from the start. I saw your face and that’s the last I’ve seen of my heart.”

Right on!  

                      Sparky MacMillan was born on a summer day 1951 and with a slap of a hand he had landed as an only son.

Jokes On You

July 27, 2017

I asked for jokes and you Quizlings came through. I’d love to share them all but some – while horribly funny – are not fit for a PG-13 blog. Regardless, here’s a darn good sampling.

What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm

6:03 is the best time on the clock, hands down!

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic

A guy phones up an escort agency and asks for some “company.” A woman arrives and asks what the man wants to do. First, he has her hold on for a minute while he puts on his wellies and a rain jacket. Then he goes to the freezer and fetches a tray of ice. The escort is confused but she goes along with it. The man then gets into the shower, turns on the water and asks the escort to throw ice cubes at him. She does for a minute or two and then asks, “Aren’t you going to have sex with me?” To which the man responds: “What, in this weather?”

What kind of bees make milk?  Boo-bees

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him

Never date an apostrophe. It’s too possessive.

Why did the coffee file a police report? Because he got mugged.

Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on the side of their ships? So that when they come into port they can Scan-da-navian.

What do you call a mother cow who just gave birth? Decalfinated

Two men are drinking on the second floor of a bar. One says, “Alright, I’m going home,” and he dives out of the window. The next day, the same two men are drinking and the other man asks, “How’d you survive that stunt yesterday?” The first man says, “There’s a big pile of hay right beneath the window.” The second man finishes his drink, dives out of the window and splatters on the concrete below. The first man laughs and the bartender says to him: “You’re a dick, Superman.”

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Father’s Day Edition)

June 17, 2017

Five People I Wished Were My Dad When I Was A Kid

Steve Douglas (Fred MacMurray on My Three Sons)

Evel Knievel

Captain Kangaroo

James Bond

Paul Lynde (yeah, I know – but at the time …)

 

Five Things My Father Never Taught Me

How to ride a bike

How to fish

How to manage my finances

The birds and the bees

How to find him when he went away

 

Five Dad Cliches

I don’t pay to heat the whole neighborhood.

Because I say so!

Go ask your mother.

I brought you into this world – I can take you out!

Let’s not tell your mom about this, okay?

 

Five of My Favorite Fathers

Father Time

Father Ted

Father Christmas

Father Guido Sarducci

Father Goose

 

Five Fictional Characters with Severe Daddy Issues

Oedipus

Hamlet

Luke Skywalker

The singer of Papa Was A Rollin’ Stone

The Huxtable Kids (totally in retrospect, of course)

 

February 22 Trivia Rankings

February 23, 2017

If you weren’t at trivia this week, you were probably at an ACC game. I mean, that’s got to be the only reason you weren’t there, right?

Those who did make it learned about the different names of Girl Scout cookies, Star Wars early bird specials and some very tough television. Speaking of which, Richard Belzer’s Detective John Munch appeared in the following TV series – Homicide: Life On The Streets, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order, Law & Order: Trial By Jury, The Beat, Arrested Development, The X-Files, 30Rock and The Wire. Oh, and …

Please take a moment to nominate Tomato Jake’s for Best Trivia in Durham County at indyweek.com

Now here are the week’s rankings. How’d your team do?

We’re Expecting … To Win! 62
Han Shouldn’t Fly Solo 59
We’re Enemies Tonight 58
Sparky’s Erotic Fanfiction 59
Who’s Been Putin Poison In My Porridge? 49
We’re Expecting … But Not To Win 48
We Have The Best Planets 44
The Farm 40
Hamilton Is Coming – Better Tell Burr 40
There’s Always Money In The Banana Stand 32
Garlick Not My Problem 27

December 30 Trivia Rankings

December 31, 2015

A fine way to cap off the year, eh, Quizlings? Especially if you are a Star Wars fan. But don’t worry – there’s so much more trivia in 2016 and that’s just a week away!

Meanwhile, you can read up on the Peanuts character Franklin here or just watch the first appearance of Bobba Fett below.

And here are the full rankings for this week, from top to bottom…

I Have A Bad Feeling About This 69
Is It Winter Yet? 63
There Goes Cosby – Always Mugging For The Camera 63
The Canadian Borg Resistance Would Be Impolite 62
The Meadowlark Lemon Of Trivia 61
Wookieepedia Brown 61
El Nino, I Am Your Father 58
2015 Resolution Fulfilled 57
Stats So Raven 50
Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! 46
Chip-Off The Ol’ Rock-y 45
Greater Than Velcro 45
We’re Sitting Outside; Please Give Us Candy 45
The Crash Test Dummies 40
The Prescribers Of Pain 37
Affluenza Kids 36
Better Late Than Never 36

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Star Wars Edition)

December 22, 2015

Five Star Wars Desserts

Gran Muffin Tarkin

Attack of the Scones

Obi Flan Kenobi

Salacious B. Crumbcake

The Empire Strikes Baklava

 

Five Chewbacca Complaints

WTH? Han and Luke get medals but not me.

Stormtroopers cheat at cards

Life Day still not a recognized Galactic holiday

Horny Ewoks

When he passes out after a night of drinking in the cantina, Han shaves him down like a Kowakian monkey-lizard.

 

Five Rejected Ad Slogans For “The Force Awakens”

Sith Happens

We didn’t even let George Lucas on the set

I did it all for the Wookiee

See or See Not – There Is No Try

It’ll Make You Forget The Last Three – Promise!

 

Five Things Darth Vader Would Never Say

Oooooo! What a pwecious widdle kitty!

Stop making fun of my sleep apnea!

One senior citizen for “Sisters.”

I wear black because it’s slimming.

My kids kissed? Actually, that’s kinda hot.

 

Five Signs You Are NOT A Jedi

You weren’t born a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Every time you try to pull the ol’ Jedi Mind Trick, you pee your pants.

The closest you ever got to a lightsaber fight was that time at camp in the boys’ showers.

You think you felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced … but it was just brain freeze from that ICEE.

Your name is Jar Jar Binks.

December 16 Trivia Rankings

December 17, 2015

Some yuletide fun, some Star Wars names and even some Golden Globes. That was Wednesday night trivia this week. Hope you were there. If not, hope you can join us next week or the week after. Yep, trivia is on through the hols and into 2016. We’ll even give away a Massage Envy gift card to one lucky Quizling!

Meanwhile …

Here are the full rankings for all the teams. See you next week!

You Will Cry When Han & Chewie Die 64
After The Force Awakens, Will It Go Back To Sleep? 62
Laugh It Up, Fuzzball 60
Happy Christmahanukwanzaaakah 59
Cats Rule 57
Spoiler Alert: Jar Jar Is Back! 53
Han Yolo 53
There’s Always Money In The Banana Stand 51
Festivus For The Rest Of Us 51
I Can’t Put My Arms Down 51
I Hope Our Trivia Force Awakens Tonight 50
The Odds Of Us Winning This Are 3720 to 1 50
Merry Quizmas 49
Inglorious Blasters 48
This Team Outscored Kobe 47
Star Wars Spolier: Dragon Kills Gandalf 44
Daddy’s On Duty 42

Star Wars – Revenge of the Misogynists

November 12, 2014

Yes, women have it tough. Yes, men are pigs. Yes, the type of overt sexism that permeates our society needs to be addressed in a manner that is respectful and considerate.

But this is damn funny.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1970s Edition)

October 20, 2014

[The following is a piece I originally wrote back in 1979 on my old ARPANET site: “Sparky’s Far Out Dy-no-mite Funkadelic Super Rockin’ Heavy Scene”]

 

Five TV Characters Cooler Than The Fonz

Vinnie Barbarino

Buck Rogers

Venus Flytrap

The White Shadow

Tie: Bo Duke / Luke Duke

 

Five Trends That Need To Go Away

Pet Rocks

Disco

CB Radios

Pong

Stagflation

 

Five Foxy Ladies I’d Marry Now If They Asked

Lynda Carter

Linda Ronstadt

Loni Anderson

Olivia Newton-John

All Of Charlie’s Angels (Except Sabrina)

 

Five Lessons Learned Due To The Energy Crisis

OPEC is an acronym that stands for … something

You meet sexier chicks on odd number gas days

A Buick LeSabre might not have been the best choice for a fuel efficient vehicle

Carter looks dorky in a sweater

If the price of gas ever goes over 75 cents, civilization will collapse

 

Five Reasons I’m Looking Forward To The ‘80s

The sequel to Star Wars

The Knack’s next album will be even better than their first

The US will kick ass at the 1980 Summer Olympics

With the coming of the Space Shuttle, moon cities can’t be far away

Jon Anderson will be the best president we’ve ever had!

Under Where?

October 1, 2014

This is an old commercial for Star Wars Underoos. It’s creepy and sad on multiple levels. First off, if this spot was produced today, the guy responsible would receive a visit from Chris Hansen. Secondly, Boba Fett, who may be the most awesome character to ever spring from the creative mind of George Lucas, can never EVER be cool again after being featured in this. And, third, the kids who acted in this are now grownups and they probably see this and cry, recalling dreams of Hollywood stardom that never was, remembering a more innocent age where their demanding stage mothers dragged them to cattle call after cattle call with the false promise that the ridicule and mockery from the friends who would see them dancing in their skivvies would all be worth it when they accepted their Oscar or Emmy or Tony and partied the night away in their Beverly Hills mansion – but of course it was all a fantasy shattered by mediocrity and years of failure and now they must wipe away the tears of humiliation and despair and get back to work because those shelves aren’t gonna stock themselves!