Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Voters Are A Superstitious, Cowardly Lot

August 10, 2020

I saw a car the outside the dry cleaners about 8 years back. In the rear passenger side window, there was a cardboard sign that read: Batman Supports Mitt Romney. It was obviously scrawled in crayon by some child in a strange attempt to merge two worlds that couldn’t be further apart. But it got me to thinking:

Who would Batman vote for?

Such a vigilante with a “helping the helpless” streak might seem to some to be card-carrying liberal but I think that his “tough on crime” stance coupled with Bruce Wayne’s millions makes him a natural conservative. But which Batman are we talking about? The square-jawed Bob Kane Batman? The Adam West campy Caped Crusader? Frank Miller’s Dark Knight? Joel Schumacher’s nippled farce?

Maybe Batman would be a Libertarian. Or a Green. Or Tea Partyer.

Who the heck knows? All I can say for sure is that the Dark Knight Detective could afford a better campaign sign than some corrugated second-grade art class piece of crap.

Presidential Suck-Session

July 5, 2020

All my life I’ve been witness to a worsening succession of US Presidents. Each time someone gets elected to the highest office in the land who I feel isn’t worthy of the job and makes me fear for the future of my country, I say to myself, “At least it couldn’t get worse.” Then a few years later, some buffoon comes along and proves me wrong. Each time: “At least it couldn’t get worse.” Then shortly thereafter, sobering proof that, yes, it can get so very much worse.

And now: Kanye West announces his presidential bid.

Can I just say to whatever AI runs the universal program we’re all stuck in: YOU CAN STOP IT NOW!!!! I’VE LEARNED MY BLOODY LESSON!!!!!!!!!!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

June 1, 2020

 

Five Dog Songs

Collar Me

Walkies On Sunshine

Harlem, Shake! Good Boy!

You Can Call Me Alpo

Who Let The Us Out?

 

Five Lesser Known X-Men

The Toolverine

Liceman

The Breast

Charlie Pryde

Pubcrawler (more…)

Voter Hesitation

March 1, 2020

Super Tuesday is coming up and my state is participating. And, yes, I plan on voting. Someone asked me today if I’d taken advantage of the early, one-stop voting. No. No, I haven’t. I don’t vote early for one reason and one reason only – the irrational fear that the moment I do vote early the candidate of my choice will be revealed to be an axe murderer or criminal mastermind or something. I imagine I’ll cast my ballot weeks before the election day and hear something on the news like: The councilman was arrested earlier today after the shocking discovery of dozens of burnt and tortured bodies in his basement. Even more shocking – a throne built of skulls he constructed to his dark lord … I’m sorry … I just hope no one has already voted for this lowlife for if they have they surely must feel like throwing up.

That’s why I’m waiting until the very last minute. They may all be crooks and charlatans but at least I’ll be working on the same amount of knowledge as the rest of you when I vote for the crook and charlatan of my choice!

An Open Letter To That Woman In Chapel Hill

December 1, 2019

Hey, Luv, I appreciate that you live in Chapel Hill. I know it’s a bastion of unadulterated liberalness. That’s what I dig about the town. Hey, I went to school there. I know. I am one of you.

But, lady, seriously. It’s time to take the Kucinich 2008 bumper sticker off your Subaru. Just need to scrape it right off. Maybe use some WD-40.

Keeping it on this long doesn’t make you an idealist, trust me. It makes you kinda sad.

Fear & Losing On The Campaign Trail

November 3, 2019

In 1972, I was working for the McGovern campaign, making cold calls to folks in the Plains states. It was July 19th and we (the campaign volunteers) began to hear sobs coming from the candidate’s office. The cries escalated into a low moaning sound. Jennifer, the campaign manager, investigated and found McGovern curled up under his desk in the fetal position. He was totally freaking that no one had remembered his birthday. He bawled like a baby for hours. Finally, somebody went down to the Piggly Wiggly and picked up a sheet cake and a pinata and we threw a “surprise” party for the old goat.

Thinking back, I’m glad Nixon kicked his ass. Wouldn’t want that bleedin’ crybaby with his finger on the button.

Ten Things That Have Kept Me Awake At Night

September 21, 2019

The 2020 election

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper (is it really plant-based or are they punking us vegetarians?)

Fear of getting Mesothelioma (thanks a bunch, late-night attorney ads!)

Harambee (Never Forget)

That Sexy Mr. Rogers costume

Near-miss asteroids

Charley Horse (painful muscle cramp)

Charlie Horse (the Shari Lewis Puppet)

That new mosquito-borne disease that kills you in, like, three days

Streaming services… because there’s a million of ‘em and I can’t get them all so which ones do I really need? Hulu? Netflix? Amazon Prime? The new Disney? And – what the hell – Apple TV? There’s an Apple TV now? I don’t even have an Apple product. Damn you to all hell, streaming FOMO!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

September 16, 2019

 

Five Ways To Make Political Debates Better

All responses must be limited to 280 characters

Replace moderator with Lucha libre wrestler

Flub a question, do a shot

Monkeys (everything’s better with monkeys!)

Pre-empt them

 

Five Odd Relationship Dealbreakers

Your feng shui doesn’t match

Constantly fills DVR with repeats of Ghost Hunters

She starts dressing like your mom and calling you by your dad’s name

He sleeps with an autographed picture of Chuck Woolery

His foreplay consists solely of Travis Bickle’s “You talkin’ to me?” monologue

 

Five Reasons I’ve Got A Mancrush on Nathan Fillion

His rugged Canadian-bred good looks

He’s worked with Stephen Spielberg

He voiced Green Lantern in a few DC Comics animated films

He co-founded a charity to get more books into underfunded libraries

He was Mal freakin’ Reynolds on Firefly!!!!

 

Five Signs You’re Obsessed With Fantasy Football

Your wife asks you to take out the trash while you’re watching the game and you contact a divorce attorney

Your dogs are named Draft and King

In the last calendar year, you spent more time coming up with a team name than you did with your kids

You set your line-up instead of delivering your father’s eulogy

You call out Patrick Mahomes’ name during sex

 

Five Rarely Used Twitter Hashtags

#EatingRancidSushi

#SmellsLikeSpleenSpirit

#SwitzerlandUrinalCrawl

#NazisBeBuggin

#TellCharoIFoundHerKeys

October 10th Trivia Rankings

October 11, 2018

Another light turnout, Quizlings. Not that I’m taking it personally or anything but let’s fill those seats, okay. Get your friends, co-workers, neighbors and relatives out to play as we groove on into our tenth year!

Note: Halloween Triviaganza is still on! Prizes for our favorite costumes (including that Golden Ticket) so dress up for a night of treats only (no tricks) this October 31st!

This week, we talked politics with Tay Tay, stood on the Four Corners and chowed down on some spinach courtesy of our pals in Asia. Plus there were these two songs – yet one title:

We’ll do it again next week, folks. Now, let’s see how the teams stacked up…

Flo Lowered My Expectations For Michael 67
Good Thing We Hung On To All That Bread and Milk From Florence 64
Brett Kavanaugh Blows Harder Than Hurricane Michael 64
Michael Meet Florence 61
Michael, Just Beat It 60
Something Topical: Aloe Vera 58
Don’t Take Me Down To Panama City 57
Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore 54
Homegirl, Drop It Like The NASDAQ 53
Not Enough Estrogen 52
It’s Just My Face 51
RBG’s Got Herself A Toy Boy 50

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (All Dessert Edition)

July 22, 2018

 

Five British Desserts

Spotted Dick

Blancmange

Windsor Wimple

Flummery

Queen’s Buns

 

Five Ways To Weaponize a Muffin

Set it on fire and fling it over a wall

Bake around spring-loaded steel spikes

Drop it from the thermosphere onto unsuspecting populace

Subject to 500 rem of radiation and leave at a brunch

Mutate it into a flesh-devouring life form

 

Five Presidential Dessert Quotes

“Ich bin ein Berliner.” – Kennedy

“The only thing to fritter is fritter itself.” – FDR

“Four scones and seven éclairs ago.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this waffle.” – Reagan

“I don’t care if it’s my third Baked Alaska – I’m the president and I’ll have as many as I damn well want!” – William Howard Taft

 

Five Desserts That Could Be Stripper Names

Parfait

Ladyfinger

Turkish Delight

Marzipan

Treacle Tart

 

Five Cookie Bands

Ace of Biscotti

The Doors-Si-Dos

Oreo Speedwagon

Macaroon 5

Panic at Nabisco