Posts Tagged ‘Nursery Rhyme’

People I Hate #704 (In A Series)

May 5, 2018

Who: Mother Hubbard

Why: She starved her dog, plain and simple. Oh sure, she goes to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone but when the nursery rhyme is ended the dog has none because the cupboard is bare. So either the old crone goes through the motions, knowing full well the cupboard is empty, or she’s a forgetful cow who’s honestly yet ridiculously shocked to find that no one magically stocked her larder. Either way, the dog was about to get a bone and not a can of Alpo or some Puppy Chow.

How I justify it: She’s neglecting her pet. People who abuse, neglect or otherwise let pets come to harm through inaction deserve our collective hatred and scorn. The only upside is that when the senile biddy starves her pooch beyond the canine’s ability to cope he’s gonna chow down on her frail old bones like Louie Anderson at a Golden Corral buffet.

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FIVE RANDOM FIVE

April 24, 2018

 

Five Royal Baby Name Odds

Winston, 10 to 1

Banger and/or Mash, 25 to 1

Lil Uzi Vert, 13 to 2

Groot, 1 to 1

Outdated Heritable Succession Repressor, 10,000 to 1

 

Five Times You Really Need A Spoon

When you’re eating soup

When you’re eating breakfast cereal

When you’re measuring small amounts for a recipe

When you’re the Tick shouting your battle cry

When you’re an eloping dish in a nursery rhyme

 

Five Cutesy Brew Pub Names

The Twisted Cistern

Brewed Awakening

Pop on Hops

Lager Rhythm

Drag Me To Ale

 

Five Slang Terms for Twins

Double Vision

Thing One & Thing Two

Ditto DNA

Akin Kin

The Devil’s Mirror

 

Five Signs the Kool-Aid Man Is Stalking You

The cherry stains in your driveway

Your new mailman looks exactly like the Kool-Aid Man – but with a giant fake moustache

You can’t get the smell of grape out of your upholstery

In the past six months, you’ve spent 500 grand repairing unexplained holes in your walls

Whenever you and your wife have sex, you hear a muted “Oh yeah” coming from the closet

 

Simonize

May 9, 2017

Simple Simon met a pieman

Going to the fair;

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“Let me taste your ware.”

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,

“Show me first your penny.”

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“Indeed I have not any.”

Is it just me or does this sound like an incident that would end up on an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit?

People I Hate #704 (In A Series)

May 10, 2014

Who: Mother Hubbard

Why: She starved her dog, plain and simple. Oh sure, she goes to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone but when the nursery rhyme is ended the dog has none because the cupboard is bare. So either she goes through the motions, knowing full well the cupboard is empty, or she’s a forgetful cow who’s honestly yet ridiculously shocked to find that no one magically stocked her larder. Either way, the dog was about to get a bone and not a can of Alpo or some Puppy Chow.

How I justify it: She’s neglecting her pet. People who abuse, neglect or otherwise let pets come to harm through inaction deserve our collective hatred and scorn. The only upside is that when the senile biddy starves her pooch beyond the canine’s ability to cope he’s gonna chow down on her frail old bones like Chris Christie at a Golden Corral buffet.