Posts Tagged ‘Magic’

Waste Not, Want Not

December 22, 2019

Something just occurred to me and I don’t recall anyone ever talking about it. Perhaps it’s one of Christmas’ dirty little secrets – that thing no one ever mentions, like the uncle you dare not get trapped under the mistletoe with – but it bears consideration at this time of year. I’m talking about flying reindeer waste.

Santa’s hitting supersonic speeds here, folks. Donner and Blitzen decide it’s time to heed nature’s call and the jolly fat man’s coated in a fine mist of deer urine and/or what could otherwise be the makings of a very potent North Pole fertilizer. And don’t kid yourself that the reindeer hold it. Ever find scat on your rooftop come December 26? These reindeer are animals and animals are working a different bathroom schedule than you or me. Take a ride in a hansom cab or go to the circus; you’ll see that it doesn’t matter where they are, who’s watching and what other task they are engaged in – should Mother Nature call, they heed. And forgot the anthropomorphic talking reindeer portrayed on animated holiday specials; these beasts are livestock – chattel – yoked to a Christmas icon, surely, but dumb animals nonetheless. I think the fact that they’re flying makes it especially egregious. Anyone who’s ever had their car dive bombed by a bird knows why.

All in all, I’m just surprised I never thought of this before. Why isn’t there a seasonal song that deals with this? I mean, hey, they go to the trouble of trying to explain how he makes his rounds and does everything so meticulously; they couldn’t give a few minutes to explain away deer pee and poop? It’s only natural (everyone poops). I just, for the sake of realism, want the next time I spy a picture of Kris Kringle to see him speckled in yellow and brown. At the very least wearing goggles.

The World’s Tiniest Voilà!

January 25, 2015

I think the most pathetic occupation ever must be the birthday party magician. Birthday party clowns I can understand; those suckers are already warped. But the magicians? Sad, oh so sad. Here you are, a craftsman, an artiste, finely honing your talent to the point your illusory skill can make people suspend their disbelief and “oooh” and “aaaah” over your marvelous feats. But due to the fact that you can’t get a good agent or you live in Hoboken, NJ or you just aren’t up to the standards of David Copperfield, you have to knock ‘em dead at 7-year-old Caitlin’s Chuck E. Cheese gala.

“This next trick was first conjured by the Augustinian Monks in the 6th century A.D. and has mystified the crowned heads of Europe –” “Make a balloon animal!” “What?” “Make a balloon doggie!” “Oy, my life sucks.”