Posts Tagged ‘Kardashians’

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (New Year’s Edition)

January 1, 2018


Five New Year’s Songs

What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve – Harry Connick, Jr.

Kiss Me at Midnight – *NSYNC

It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve – Barry Manilow

Funky New Year – Eagles

Auld Lang Syne – Jimi Hendrix (Live at the Fillmore East)


Five Resolutions I’m Making

Take dance lessons

Drink a smoothie a day

Remove the fifth corner from the spare room

Renew subscription to The American Philatelist

Embarrass my kids more


Five Little-Known New Year’s Superstitions

Feed a hobo crackers to ensure prosperity

Shave a dog’s hindquarters for good luck

Keep a sock full of nutmeg in your pants and your true love will find you

Shout a secret to keep it

To prove a point, write your name on a rock and throw it at a politician


Five Baby New Year Fears

Father Time will forget to change his diaper

He’ll get shown up by that Vietnamese Baby Tết


His ears are too big (Rudolph’s Shiny New Year only)

A Kardashian may be his mom


Five Dumb Guy Predictions for 2018

Disco will make a comeback

Obama will be re-elected in a landslide

The apes will rise at last

Canada will become the 47th US state

People will finally stop complaining about crap they can’t change




January 24, 2017

Five Days The Music Died

Buddy Holly’s plane crash (1959)

John Lennon’s assassination (1980)

KISS goes make-up free (1983)

The “Soy Bomb” incident (1998)

The release of Kevin Federline’s album (2008)


Five Nursery Rhyme Characters That Are Dicks

Old King Cole

Wee Willie Winkie

Georgie Porgie

Little Jack Horner

Cock Robin


Five Reasons To Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

Lost a bet

Easily swayed by pop culture icons

Remote went missing – can’t change channel

Your family looks like saints compared to these vain, talentless famewhores

Haven’t been the same since that mule kicked you in the head


Five Puzzling & Regrettable Cracker Jack Prizes

An opened ketchup packet



A crude drawing of Seth Meyers

A smaller, tinier box of Cracker Jacks


Five Signs You’ll Never Be Nominated For An Academy Award

Your movie was shot on your phone in your parent’s basement

Your “animated short” is nothing but a VHS of an old Popeye cartoon

The screenplay was adapted from a Denny’s menu

Sound track consists solely of fart noises

Your name is Vin Diesel