Posts Tagged ‘Holidays’

December 5 Trivia Rankings

December 6, 2018

The holiday season is here and Tomato Jake’s Wednesday Night Trivia wants to spice up your end-of-the-year revels with a Ring-In-The-New-Year Raffle on January 2nd! You get one raffle tickets for playing every Wednesday until 1/02/19 and you’ll get extra tickets for A) bringing newbies, B) posting fliers and C) spreading the word. Seriously, get the word out about TJWNT to family, friends and co-workers and we’ll give you an extra ticket. How do you spread the word? Talk us up on social media, make a bumper sticker for your car or whatever comes to mind. I’ll make the final determination on if and how many tickets are dispensed.

This week, we rioted in Paree, talked up a Shakespearean king and bid a fond adieu to the star of Herbie Rides Again. Plus, there was this little gem from the time when MTV actually aired videos…

Now let’s see how your team measured up this week…

Trump Is [         ]ed 70
The Helen Keller School of Interior Design 67
no[SNOW] 64
Let It Snow! No School On Monday! 63
 “Substantial Assistance” Needed 63
Katy’s Back & There’s Gonna Be Trouble 59
My Hair And Boots 55
Dinnersaurs 54
Send Trivia Answers Plz 54
9 Of Hearts 51
Slice Slice Baby 50
Pizza Smelling Cologne 42
Mozzarella Greg’s 42
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FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Holiday Edition)

December 3, 2018

 

Five People Who’ve Accidentally Received Santa’s Mail

Carlos Santana

Kriss Kross

Rick Santorum

Nic Cage

Satan

 

Five Elf Complaints

Elves in China make toys cheaper

Yukon Cornelius gets a little “handsy” after a few beers

Get a tan and people think I’m an Oompa Loompa!

Frosty won’t friend me on Facebook

Those sellouts at Keebler

 

Five Reindeer Games

Antler Toss

Elf Tipping

Spitting for distance

Pictionary

Making Rudolph’s life a living hell

 

Five Rarely-Performed Holiday Tunes

Ding Dong Merrily I’m High

Little Drummer Goy

Grandma Got Rear Ended By A Reindeer

Let it Snizzle! Let it Snizzle! Let it Snizzle!

Chet’s Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire

 

Five Questions Kids Ask Mall Santas

How do you know I’ve been naughty?

Why do you hate the Jewish kids?

Can you make a present so big even you can’t lift it?

Is Mrs. Claus a MILF?

Why do you smell like desperation and failure?

The Origin of Independence Day

July 4, 2018

The world’s first Fourth of July celebration was held in 1653 in Plymouth, Massachusetts. The Pilgrims, after a particularly hard Winter, had planted their crops for the coming year. Tending to their fields was of utmost importance to the colonists but the Governor of the settlement had decreed that one day should be set aside for a Display of Fealty to the Crown. The date chosen was July 4, 1653. The date is of importance because it fell upon a Thursday and it was heretofore unheard of to take a day of rest that did not fall upon the Sabbath. But July 4 was picked not because of any religious or political import but because the Governor had a mistress and he wanted an excuse to visit her. With the colony celebrating his newfound holiday, he could use this day to sneak off and visit his mistress – an act unthinkable on the Sabbath or any established Holy Day. But his scheme was not to pass as his journey to the prearranged tryst location was fraught with disaster. First, his wagon wheel was warped and his axle split, throwing him and hobbling his horse. Then, he ran afoul of Dracula. Once in the thrall of the dark vampire lord, the Pilgrim Governor was sent to assassinate Cardinal Richelieu of the Spanish Inquisition. Thankfully Prince Valiant and Mothra intervened and stopped the Governor. Then Richelieu sent the cast of Hamilton to Dracula’s stronghold to defeat him. The subsequent victory was celebrated on July 4 and every subsequent year. And, thus, Independence Day was born.

It’s all true – Nancy O’Dell said so on Entertainment Tonight. Or – or maybe I read it on Wikipedia. I’m not sure, really. I drank some bad milk and downed pretty much a whole bottle of ZzzQuil. Don’t judge me! It’s a holiday!

CSI: Crime Seuss Investigation

December 15, 2017

It is with sad regret that I must report on the passing of a beloved holiday icon.

Dr. Seuss’ Grinch, one-time Christmas stealer, was found dead in his mountain home near Whoville early last Saturday. The coroner’s report attributed his death to an enlarged heart.

Whoville M.E., Quincy Q. Who, noted that some physiological change had apparently occurred within the last twenty-four hours causing the Grinch’s heart to grow as much as three times its normal size. “Normally, a Grinch’s heart is a very small muscle; one could say an empty hole.” He went on to explain, “Their cardiovascular systems are not very well developed at all.”

The catalyst that supposedly caused this heart malfunction remains unknown, although sources report that, sometime before his death, the Grinch consumed a large quantity of Whovian Roast Beast, causing his cholesterol levels to rise to an enormous rate.

The Grinch is survived by an unnamed dog and Cindy Lou, his common law wife.

The Easter Bunny Hates You

April 16, 2017

This. NEVER. Gets. Old.

Happy Easter!

People I Hate #789 (In A Series)

December 25, 2016

Who: The guy who, when singing Jingle Bells, belts out “Ha Ha HAH!” right after the “laughing all the way” line.

Why: He’s usually part of a choral or a cappella group or maybe just a bloke who’s had one too many at an office holiday party. Regardless, he thinks it the height of seasonal joviality and outright hilarity to punctuate a simple line in a yuletide favorite with some boisterous pretend mirth as if anyone hearing the song couldn’t understand the concept of someone “laughing all the way” (which isn’t, by the way, literally “laughing all the way” like some maniac in a Napoleon XIV song but more of an illustration of how joyous the sleigh ride actually is). He doesn’t think it necessary to pepper other lines from the song with extraneous sound effects. I mean, there’s no horse whinny or bobtail growl (I will admit to being somewhat vague on what the other lyrics are but, still, the point is made). Basically, his desire to be the center of attention supplants any regard for his audience, fellow singers or musical sensibilities.

How I justify it: He’s just some grandstanding doofus who deserves coal in stocking and a damn good thrashing by the Krampus.

The Clause That Represses

December 23, 2016

Okay, let me get this straight…

“You better watch out…” Ooh, sounds ominous. Nothing good can be on the horizon with a warning as dire as this.

“You better not cry…” Morality seems an absolute here. Very puritan. Very Amish.

“You better not shout, I’m telling you why…” Forget reasonable discourse. This is a dictate derived from a simple purpose: to bend others to one’s own will. My way or the highway. A parental “Because I said so!”

“Santa Claus is coming to town.” A notice of this calibre can mean one of two things: the subject is either a great egomaniac or a criminal who’s been forced to alert the populace when he’s entering a neighborhood.

“He knows if you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” So he’s spying on you, is he? Perhaps he’s outside right now, watching you. Sounds like a stalker to me.

“He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake…” And he’s apparently heavily judgmental too. Good, bad, what kind of labels are these? Is this based on ethical relativism or mere casuistry? And I think I detect a slight element of fear and inducement there as well.

Sigh.

Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas. Not a very good role model, is he?

Basically, we’re talking about an obese elderly man who invites young children to sit on his lap and tell him what they want. He dresses flamboyantly and lives alone with a large collection of freaks and bizarre zoo rejects in what can best be described as an isolated compound. His whereabouts and activities are largely secret. He claims to have superhuman abilities. His PR is delivered in such a way as to suggest a Nazi-like propaganda machine.

And yet, he is beloved. He is anxiously awaited. He is considered to be the Spirit of Christmas.

Are we one ridiculously screwed up and loony nation or what?

Mothers Of Invective

May 8, 2016

Okay, think back. Remember when I was six and I cried because I forgot to get you a present for your birthday and you sat me down and told me I never had to get you anything ever because – and I quote – “You are the most precious gift I could ever ask for!”

Well, that’s why you didn’t get a Mother’s Day card today. So get off my back, old woman!