This. NEVER. Gets. Old.
This. NEVER. Gets. Old.
Who: The guy who, when singing Jingle Bells, belts out “Ha Ha HAH!” right after the “laughing all the way” line.
Why: He’s usually part of a choral or a cappella group or maybe just a bloke who’s had one too many at an office holiday party. Regardless, he thinks it the height of seasonal joviality and outright hilarity to punctuate a simple line in a yuletide favorite with some boisterous pretend mirth as if anyone hearing the song couldn’t understand the concept of someone “laughing all the way” (which isn’t, by the way, literally “laughing all the way” like some maniac in a Napoleon XIV song but more of an illustration of how joyous the sleigh ride actually is). He doesn’t think it necessary to pepper other lines from the song with extraneous sound effects. I mean, there’s no horse whinny or bobtail growl (I will admit to being somewhat vague on what the other lyrics are but, still, the point is made). Basically, his desire to be the center of attention supplants any regard for his audience, fellow singers or musical sensibilities.
How I justify it: He’s just some grandstanding doofus who deserves coal in stocking and a damn good thrashing by the Krampus.
Okay, let me get this straight…
“You better watch out…” Ooh, sounds ominous. Nothing good can be on the horizon with a warning as dire as this.
“You better not cry…” Morality seems an absolute here. Very puritan. Very Amish.
“You better not shout, I’m telling you why…” Forget reasonable discourse. This is a dictate derived from a simple purpose: to bend others to one’s own will. My way or the highway. A parental “Because I said so!”
“Santa Claus is coming to town.” A notice of this calibre can mean one of two things: the subject is either a great egomaniac or a criminal who’s been forced to alert the populace when he’s entering a neighborhood.
“He knows if you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” So he’s spying on you, is he? Perhaps he’s outside right now, watching you. Sounds like a stalker to me.
“He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake…” And he’s apparently heavily judgmental too. Good, bad, what kind of labels are these? Is this based on ethical relativism or mere casuistry? And I think I detect a slight element of fear and inducement there as well.
Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas. Not a very good role model, is he?
Basically, we’re talking about an obese elderly man who invites young children to sit on his lap and tell him what they want. He dresses flamboyantly and lives alone with a large collection of freaks and bizarre zoo rejects in what can best be described as an isolated compound. His whereabouts and activities are largely secret. He claims to have superhuman abilities. His PR is delivered in such a way as to suggest a Nazi-like propaganda machine.
And yet, he is beloved. He is anxiously awaited. He is considered to be the Spirit of Christmas.
Are we one ridiculously screwed up and loony nation or what?
Okay, think back. Remember when I was six and I cried because I forgot to get you a present for your birthday and you sat me down and told me I never had to get you anything ever because – and I quote – “You are the most precious gift I could ever ask for!”
Well, that’s why you didn’t get a Mother’s Day card today. So get off my back, old woman!