Posts Tagged ‘Hatred’

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

October 18, 2019

 

Five Signs Your Gardener Hates You

Hedges trimmed into shape of a middle finger

Your koi pond is full of piranha

“Flowers” look suspiciously like poison ivy

Grass hasn’t been mowed since the Reagan administration

All the fertilizer he uses is his own

 

Five Deadly Sandwiches

BLT-IED

Peanut butter and gelignite

Semiautomatic shawarma

Tuna fission bomb

Sloppy OJ

 

Five Ridiculous Stereotypes

Norwegians are the worst forklift operators in the world

Kalahari Bushmen can’t parallel park worth a damn

Buddhist monks think renter’s insurance is a rip off

Virgos will make dentist appointments and cancel them at the last minute

Mimes smell like sweat and peppermint

 

Five TV Jobs I Think I’d Hate

Bus driver (Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners)

Shoe salesman (Al Bundy, Married… with Children)

Butcher (Sam, The Brady Bunch)

Propane salesman (Hank Hill, King of the Hill)

Real Housewife (any location)

 

Five Really Bad Reasons to Donate a Kidney

Someone triple dog dared you

Thought it was a good idea after about 80 beers

Horoscope said, “Give of yourself today.”

Wanted to impress Jodie Foster

Gall bladder and kidney couldn’t co-exist peacefully – and one had to go!

 

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People I Hate #6 (In A Series)

September 7, 2019

Who: Those guys who spin signs on the side of the road

Why I Hate: They act so bad-ass, like this amazing talent sprung unbidden from their motor reflexes during some moment of inner strength or self-actualization and now they feel the call to display their art, pure and instinctual, for all to see. They toss, they rotate, they spin – and they delude themselves into believing they aren’t just a hot dog costume away from handing out coupons at intersections.

How I justify it: Because hating telemarketers is so 1998.

People I Hate #118 (In A Series)

August 23, 2019

Who: The chick perched on her boyfriend’s shoulders at an outdoor rock concert.

Why: She’s drunk, probably high, and she wants to be the center of attention by straddling her boyfriend’s bony shoulders and screaming at the top of her lungs as if she were leading Pickett’s Charge up Cemetery Ridge. She’s blocking the view of everyone behind her and not because hers is necessarily better on top of ole dopey. She’s just so self-centered and shallow that she thinks it’s all about her and by playing piggyback in a throng of thousands she feels she’s adding to the festival atmosphere rather than detracting from it like a dead daddy’s love child at a family reunion. But, hey, just chalk it up to another one of her marvelous life choices – like hooking up with the high school dropout X Games wannabe beneath her rockin’ booty who’s hootin’ and hollerin’ right along with “his old lady” – or like flashing her boobs in hopes she’ll get a backstage invite.

How I justify it: She’s sad. She’s pathetic. She’s a ridiculous gyrating hippie throwback who makes me want to puke. Plus, she’s my mom.

People I Hate #64 (In A Series)

July 27, 2019

Who: People who get out of the car to use a drive-up ATM.

Why I Hate: There are two types of ATMs – the walk-up and the drive-up kind. The walk-up variety people understand pretty well. You drive to a place near the ATM, park, get out and use the ATM. The drive-up ATM is different as it was designed to be used while you are still in the car. It was named extremely accurately for just that purpose. And before you tell me that sometimes the passenger has to use the ATM and therefore has to get out out of the car to do it – nope not talking about that. Those people are irritating but I do not hate them (although the dbags who back into a drive-up ATM so the passenger can use it from the window can be labelled as People I Hate #64b, easily). No, no no – you know the jerks I’m talking about – they drive up to the ATM, stop a few few short and get out of the car to use a machine designed to keep them from doing that. The ATM could be located in a high traffic area where pedestrian traffic is in the way or it could be simply that by getting out of the vehicle you are breaking the flow of traffic. Does it really matter? They are getting out of the freakin’ car to use a drive-up ATM!!

How I justify it: I can’t run them down without getting charged with manslaughter so pure, unadulterated hatred is a nice back-up plan.

People I Hate #78 (In A Series)

July 15, 2019

Who: The douchebag who wears a hoodie while playing in major poker tournaments on basic cable.

Why: He sits there, checking his cards and not making eye contact, hunched over like a petulant teen at a family gathering. He plasters a disaffected frown across his face like it’s body armor. His insolence is palpable and his unsociable demeanor makes you want to smack him.

How I justify it: HE made the decision to play poker on national TV! No one dragged him out of his bed and forced him to do it at gunpoint! So can the attitude, you smug, churlish bastard, and play some Texas Hold ‘Em!

People I Hate #811 (In A Series)

June 3, 2019

Who: The half-a-doughnut people

Why I Hate Them: You’re at a meeting or an office function, maybe a community event, perhaps some non-profit volunteer gig, and you see that someone brought in some doughnuts. Awesome! Free doughnuts! Seriously, how cool is that? So you go to nab yourself a sweet treat and you see that a few half been taken but – wait, what’s this? Someone took half a doughnut. And, no, I’m not saying someone ate part of a doughnut and put the uneaten half back. No, someone took a knife and cut a doughnut in half and just ate half a doughnut. Why? Who the hell cares. They’ll tell you it was discipline but the practical upshot is it makes anyone who takes a whole doughnut look like an utter pig.

How I justify it: I don’t care if you’re on a diet or you just have the will power of a ninja master, if you are going to splurge then eat the whole freakin’ doughnut. That way, I can at least live in some form of denial when I swing by the Krispy Kreme drive-thru after work and inhale a half dozen on the drive home.

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People I Hate #21 (In A Series)

March 4, 2019

Who: The person who, when you see a spider or a snake or some creature like that, says “It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Why: This dude thinks by pointing out the fear of the animal he is defusing the situation but he is instead magnifying any apprehension I had to the point of fear by injecting his own brand of smugness. It doesn’t matter the state of mind of the creepy crawly in question. It could be freakin’ mortified to see me. Heck, I wouldn’t blame it; I’m 100 times its size. But whatever fear the little bastard feels it does not negate for one second the anxiety, apprehension or outright phobia I have when I see something so minute that could (although, rationally, I understand the odds are against it but this is not a fear born of rationality) kill me without a bloody sound!

How I justify it: Spiders and snakes creep me the hell out. Just let me revel in my stupid, impotent aversion and shut the hell up about it.

People I Hate #189 (In A Series)

September 17, 2018

Who: The teacher who punishes the whole class for the actions of one kid.

Why: It’s nothing more than a power trip enacted by an impotent overlord attempting to mask insufficient training due to a system lacking in true checks and balances and ceding actual justice to the crudest form of reactionary sanction and emotional retribution.

How I justify it: Mrs. Canterbury’s fourth grade class when Simon Spencer threw a paper airplane at the blackboard when old Mrs. Canterbury’s back was turned and she called us a bunch of “spoiled, snot-nosed brats” and said she was “counting the days until retirement” and then made us all stay after school and bang erasers together even though pretty much everyone eagerly turned jail yard snitch and pointed out Simon as the culprit because he was a jerk at recess and we couldn’t stand him. Y’know I read in the newspaper a few years back that Mrs. Canterbury died and I had to actively fight the urge to drive to the cemetery where she was buried and dance on her bloody grave. I’m not proud of that but I think most people would understand.

People I Hate #19 (In A Series)

August 3, 2018

Who: The guy at the convenience store who thinks it’s funny to say “A hundred and eighty-five dollars!” when it’s really only one dollar and eighty-five cents.

Why: It’s not funny. Not even remotely. Yet he thinks it’s freakin’ hilarious. Otherwise why would he risk fraud charges by giving me, a complete stranger, false information regarding the purchase price? Plus he’s not just one guy but multiple humor-impaired yokels who work cash registers at a myriad of 7-11 type stores across the land – not because it was a career choice and he thought it best to eschew his astronomy degree for a life in a sub par customer service field dispensing gasoline, alcohol and lottery tickets to the unwashed but because his high school guidance counselor made it quite clear that his future involved either smocks, hairnets and grease or panhandling and he chooses to deal with the utter ennui, desperation and futility with what he erroneously perceives to be a clever joke.

How I justify it: Hate is easier than contempt. (I’m not proud; just honest.)

People I Hate #211 (In A Series)

January 19, 2018

Who: The guy who opened the gourmet popcorn store at the mall.

Why: I’m assuming this dude didn’t just open it on a whim. He probably went to business school or worked as a manager some place where he learned his trade and I think it’s safe to assume he did some research and got a small business loan or some investors. So what business model does he choose? A proven franchise? A novel tried and true retail outlet with a local flavor? No. The nichiest of specialty boutiques, a gourmet popcorn store. Does he think people wake up every day and say to themselves, “Hey – I could really go for a bag of cotton candy flavored kettle corn. Let’s head to the mall!” or something stupid like that? Hell no – gourmet popcorn is an impulse purchase at best and this joker has decided to put all his economic eggs in one weak-assed gimmicky basket. He might as well call the store “Gone In 90 Days!”

How I justify it: He’s just taking up space that could be a Sanrio or a Halloween Express or something useful. Don’t waste my time – or my mall space!