Posts Tagged ‘Hatred’

People I Hate #189 (In A Series)

September 17, 2018

Who: The teacher who punishes the whole class for the actions of one kid.

Why: It’s nothing more than a power trip enacted by an impotent overlord attempting to mask insufficient training due to a system lacking in true checks and balances and ceding actual justice to the crudest form of reactionary sanction and emotional retribution.

How I justify it: Mrs. Canterbury’s fourth grade class when Simon Spencer threw a paper airplane at the blackboard when old Mrs. Canterbury’s back was turned and she called us a bunch of “spoiled, snot-nosed brats” and said she was “counting the days until retirement” and then made us all stay after school and bang erasers together even though pretty much everyone eagerly turned jail yard snitch and pointed out Simon as the culprit because he was a jerk at recess and we couldn’t stand him. Y’know I read in the newspaper a few years back that Mrs. Canterbury died and I had to actively fight the urge to drive to the cemetery where she was buried and dance on her bloody grave. I’m not proud of that but I think most people would understand.

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People I Hate #19 (In A Series)

August 3, 2018

Who: The guy at the convenience store who thinks it’s funny to say “A hundred and eighty-five dollars!” when it’s really only one dollar and eighty-five cents.

Why: It’s not funny. Not even remotely. Yet he thinks it’s freakin’ hilarious. Otherwise why would he risk fraud charges by giving me, a complete stranger, false information regarding the purchase price? Plus he’s not just one guy but multiple humor-impaired yokels who work cash registers at a myriad of 7-11 type stores across the land – not because it was a career choice and he thought it best to eschew his astronomy degree for a life in a sub par customer service field dispensing gasoline, alcohol and lottery tickets to the unwashed but because his high school guidance counselor made it quite clear that his future involved either smocks, hairnets and grease or panhandling and he chooses to deal with the utter ennui, desperation and futility with what he erroneously perceives to be a clever joke.

How I justify it: Hate is easier than contempt. (I’m not proud; just honest.)

People I Hate #211 (In A Series)

January 19, 2018

Who: The guy who opened the gourmet popcorn store at the mall.

Why: I’m assuming this dude didn’t just open it on a whim. He probably went to business school or worked as a manager some place where he learned his trade and I think it’s safe to assume he did some research and got a small business loan or some investors. So what business model does he choose? A proven franchise? A novel tried and true retail outlet with a local flavor? No. The nichiest of specialty boutiques, a gourmet popcorn store. Does he think people wake up every day and say to themselves, “Hey – I could really go for a bag of cotton candy flavored kettle corn. Let’s head to the mall!” or something stupid like that? Hell no – gourmet popcorn is an impulse purchase at best and this joker has decided to put all his economic eggs in one weak-assed gimmicky basket. He might as well call the store “Gone In 90 Days!”

How I justify it: He’s just taking up space that could be a Sanrio or a Halloween Express or something useful. Don’t waste my time – or my mall space!

People I Hate #347 (In A Series)

January 5, 2018

Who: The call-and-response DJ.

Why: You’re at a prom or wedding or some such social gathering and the chuckster spinning tunes decides to let loose one of those “When I say A, you say B!” chants to get the crowd worked up but what he’s really done is unsheathed the last of the lame-ass arrows in the piss-poor quiver that is his disc jockey arsenal, making the disturbingly lackluster chicken dance and any line dancing debacle previously parlayed in hopes of stirring the masses look positively inspired by comparison.

How I justify it: You say talentless, I say hack.

People I Hate #333 (In A Series)

October 14, 2017

Who: The guy who says “Don’t leave me hangin’” when he tries to high-five you.

Why: It doesn’t matter where you are – chatting in a parking lot, sitting in a staff meeting, walking across campus – someone will say something or do something and he’ll feel the need to punctuate the moment with a high-five. The moment doesn’t need it. The high-five is awkward, unprovoked and completely egregious. But there it is, suspended aloft, awaiting reciprocation. The last thing you want to do is high-five this douchebag. Maybe you don’t like him or perhaps it’s just that the high-five is so misplaced and ridiculous that by even acknowledging it you risk lowering yourself to his idiotic level. Yet there it is, that plaintive hand and that challenging entreaty: Don’t leave me hangin’! And still you should. You should leave him hangin’. He’s a tool with absolutely no ability to read a social situation and you should totally leave him hangin’ in any way that concept can be interpreted.

How I justify it: If the situation warranted a high-five, I would have already freakin’ high-fived you and so you wouldn’t need to beg me to validate your stupid existence.

People I Hate #134 (In A Series)

May 19, 2017

Who: The guy who called me “Boss Man” at the convenience store.

Why: He didn’t know me. He didn’t even work there. He was just some schlub who couldn’t be bothered to walk around me but saw fit to brush right past me like I was in his way and make it good with a noncommittal, “’Scuse me, Boss Man.”

How I justify it: I don’t even know what the hell that means?! It’s not like there’s anything about me that suggests I’m in charge of anything or screams, “Hey, plebes, I am the one percent! Bow down!” So when this jerk breezed by and drawled “’Scuse me, Boss Man” in such a dismissive way I just had a visceral reaction.  I literally saw red and wanted to lodge the nearest can of Quaker State into the least convenient orifice on this redneck doofus.

Not proud of it but there it is.

People I Hate #781 (In A Series)

January 31, 2017

Who: The guy whistling in the men’s room

Why I Hate Him: He’s whistling in the men’s room!

How I justify it: There’s supposed to be a code, okay. It’s the men’s room – you have one item of business to attend to (okay, technically, one of two). You get in, you get out, no eye contact, no small talk – perhaps a congenial nod or howdy if you pass a co-worker but otherwise it’s a place sans communication, vocalization and jubilation. THERE’S NO WHISTLING! That’s just creepy and off-putting and it makes me clench up mid-stream … so … so knock it off, ya screwball!

People I Hate #9 (In A Series)

October 18, 2016

Who: Country Music Artist, Trace Adkins. 

Why I Hate Him: Man, I just wanna punch him in the face. Hard. Of course, I feel that way about most macho, posturing, a-swaggerin’, America-love-it-or-leave-it, Ford-truck-man country singers, but – boy howdy – there’s just something about that smug cowboy-hatted … gah, I can barely type with clenched fists!

How I justify it: Not that I need a reason, but Honky Tonk Badonkadonk should suffice as a defensible motive in a court of law.

People I Hate #118 (In A Series)

August 29, 2016

Who: The chick perched on her boyfriend’s shoulders at an outdoor rock concert.

Why: She’s drunk, probably high, and she wants to be the center of attention by straddling her boyfriend’s bony shoulders and screaming at the top of her lungs as if she were leading Pickett’s Charge up Cemetery Ridge. She’s blocking the view of everyone behind her and not because hers is necessarily better on top of ole dopey. She’s just so self-centered and shallow that she thinks it’s all about her and by playing piggyback in a throng of thousands she feels she’s adding to the festival atmosphere rather than detracting from it like a dead daddy’s love child at a family reunion. But, hey, just chalk it up to another one of her marvelous life choices – like hooking up with the high school dropout X Games wannabe beneath her rockin’ booty who’s hootin’ and hollerin’ right along with “his old lady” – or like flashing her boobs in hopes she’ll get a backstage invite.

How I justify it: She’s sad. She’s pathetic. She’s a ridiculous gyrating hippie throwback who makes me want to puke. Plus, she’s my mom.

People I Hate #78 (In A Series)

June 21, 2016

Who: The douchebag who wears a hoodie while playing in major poker tournaments on basic cable.

Why: He sits there, checking his cards and not making eye contact, hunched over like a petulant teen at a family gathering. He plasters a disaffected frown across his face like it’s body armor. His insolence is palpable and his unsociable demeanor makes you want to smack him.

How I justify it: HE made the decision to play poker on national TV! No one dragged him out of his bed and forced him to do it at gunpoint! So can the attitude, you smug, churlish bastard, and play some Texas Hold ‘Em!