Posts Tagged ‘Hatred’

People I Hate #78 (In A Series)

July 15, 2019

Who: The douchebag who wears a hoodie while playing in major poker tournaments on basic cable.

Why: He sits there, checking his cards and not making eye contact, hunched over like a petulant teen at a family gathering. He plasters a disaffected frown across his face like it’s body armor. His insolence is palpable and his unsociable demeanor makes you want to smack him.

How I justify it: HE made the decision to play poker on national TV! No one dragged him out of his bed and forced him to do it at gunpoint! So can the attitude, you smug, churlish bastard, and play some Texas Hold ‘Em!

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People I Hate #811 (In A Series)

June 3, 2019

Who: The half-a-doughnut people

Why I Hate Them: You’re at a meeting or an office function, maybe a community event, perhaps some non-profit volunteer gig, and you see that someone brought in some doughnuts. Awesome! Free doughnuts! Seriously, how cool is that? So you go to nab yourself a sweet treat and you see that a few half been taken but – wait, what’s this? Someone took half a doughnut. And, no, I’m not saying someone ate part of a doughnut and put the uneaten half back. No, someone took a knife and cut a doughnut in half and just ate half a doughnut. Why? Who the hell cares. They’ll tell you it was discipline but the practical upshot is it makes anyone who takes a whole doughnut look like an utter pig.

How I justify it: I don’t care if you’re on a diet or you just have the will power of a ninja master, if you are going to splurge then eat the whole freakin’ doughnut. That way, I can at least live in some form of denial when I swing by the Krispy Kreme drive-thru after work and inhale a half dozen on the drive home.

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People I Hate #21 (In A Series)

March 4, 2019

Who: The person who, when you see a spider or a snake or some creature like that, says “It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Why: This dude thinks by pointing out the fear of the animal he is defusing the situation but he is instead magnifying any apprehension I had to the point of fear by injecting his own brand of smugness. It doesn’t matter the state of mind of the creepy crawly in question. It could be freakin’ mortified to see me. Heck, I wouldn’t blame it; I’m 100 times its size. But whatever fear the little bastard feels it does not negate for one second the anxiety, apprehension or outright phobia I have when I see something so minute that could (although, rationally, I understand the odds are against it but this is not a fear born of rationality) kill me without a bloody sound!

How I justify it: Spiders and snakes creep me the hell out. Just let me revel in my stupid, impotent aversion and shut the hell up about it.

People I Hate #189 (In A Series)

September 17, 2018

Who: The teacher who punishes the whole class for the actions of one kid.

Why: It’s nothing more than a power trip enacted by an impotent overlord attempting to mask insufficient training due to a system lacking in true checks and balances and ceding actual justice to the crudest form of reactionary sanction and emotional retribution.

How I justify it: Mrs. Canterbury’s fourth grade class when Simon Spencer threw a paper airplane at the blackboard when old Mrs. Canterbury’s back was turned and she called us a bunch of “spoiled, snot-nosed brats” and said she was “counting the days until retirement” and then made us all stay after school and bang erasers together even though pretty much everyone eagerly turned jail yard snitch and pointed out Simon as the culprit because he was a jerk at recess and we couldn’t stand him. Y’know I read in the newspaper a few years back that Mrs. Canterbury died and I had to actively fight the urge to drive to the cemetery where she was buried and dance on her bloody grave. I’m not proud of that but I think most people would understand.

People I Hate #19 (In A Series)

August 3, 2018

Who: The guy at the convenience store who thinks it’s funny to say “A hundred and eighty-five dollars!” when it’s really only one dollar and eighty-five cents.

Why: It’s not funny. Not even remotely. Yet he thinks it’s freakin’ hilarious. Otherwise why would he risk fraud charges by giving me, a complete stranger, false information regarding the purchase price? Plus he’s not just one guy but multiple humor-impaired yokels who work cash registers at a myriad of 7-11 type stores across the land – not because it was a career choice and he thought it best to eschew his astronomy degree for a life in a sub par customer service field dispensing gasoline, alcohol and lottery tickets to the unwashed but because his high school guidance counselor made it quite clear that his future involved either smocks, hairnets and grease or panhandling and he chooses to deal with the utter ennui, desperation and futility with what he erroneously perceives to be a clever joke.

How I justify it: Hate is easier than contempt. (I’m not proud; just honest.)

People I Hate #211 (In A Series)

January 19, 2018

Who: The guy who opened the gourmet popcorn store at the mall.

Why: I’m assuming this dude didn’t just open it on a whim. He probably went to business school or worked as a manager some place where he learned his trade and I think it’s safe to assume he did some research and got a small business loan or some investors. So what business model does he choose? A proven franchise? A novel tried and true retail outlet with a local flavor? No. The nichiest of specialty boutiques, a gourmet popcorn store. Does he think people wake up every day and say to themselves, “Hey – I could really go for a bag of cotton candy flavored kettle corn. Let’s head to the mall!” or something stupid like that? Hell no – gourmet popcorn is an impulse purchase at best and this joker has decided to put all his economic eggs in one weak-assed gimmicky basket. He might as well call the store “Gone In 90 Days!”

How I justify it: He’s just taking up space that could be a Sanrio or a Halloween Express or something useful. Don’t waste my time – or my mall space!

People I Hate #347 (In A Series)

January 5, 2018

Who: The call-and-response DJ.

Why: You’re at a prom or wedding or some such social gathering and the chuckster spinning tunes decides to let loose one of those “When I say A, you say B!” chants to get the crowd worked up but what he’s really done is unsheathed the last of the lame-ass arrows in the piss-poor quiver that is his disc jockey arsenal, making the disturbingly lackluster chicken dance and any line dancing debacle previously parlayed in hopes of stirring the masses look positively inspired by comparison.

How I justify it: You say talentless, I say hack.

People I Hate #333 (In A Series)

October 14, 2017

Who: The guy who says “Don’t leave me hangin’” when he tries to high-five you.

Why: It doesn’t matter where you are – chatting in a parking lot, sitting in a staff meeting, walking across campus – someone will say something or do something and he’ll feel the need to punctuate the moment with a high-five. The moment doesn’t need it. The high-five is awkward, unprovoked and completely egregious. But there it is, suspended aloft, awaiting reciprocation. The last thing you want to do is high-five this douchebag. Maybe you don’t like him or perhaps it’s just that the high-five is so misplaced and ridiculous that by even acknowledging it you risk lowering yourself to his idiotic level. Yet there it is, that plaintive hand and that challenging entreaty: Don’t leave me hangin’! And still you should. You should leave him hangin’. He’s a tool with absolutely no ability to read a social situation and you should totally leave him hangin’ in any way that concept can be interpreted.

How I justify it: If the situation warranted a high-five, I would have already freakin’ high-fived you and so you wouldn’t need to beg me to validate your stupid existence.

People I Hate #134 (In A Series)

May 19, 2017

Who: The guy who called me “Boss Man” at the convenience store.

Why: He didn’t know me. He didn’t even work there. He was just some schlub who couldn’t be bothered to walk around me but saw fit to brush right past me like I was in his way and make it good with a noncommittal, “’Scuse me, Boss Man.”

How I justify it: I don’t even know what the hell that means?! It’s not like there’s anything about me that suggests I’m in charge of anything or screams, “Hey, plebes, I am the one percent! Bow down!” So when this jerk breezed by and drawled “’Scuse me, Boss Man” in such a dismissive way I just had a visceral reaction.  I literally saw red and wanted to lodge the nearest can of Quaker State into the least convenient orifice on this redneck doofus.

Not proud of it but there it is.

People I Hate #781 (In A Series)

January 31, 2017

Who: The guy whistling in the men’s room

Why I Hate Him: He’s whistling in the men’s room!

How I justify it: There’s supposed to be a code, okay. It’s the men’s room – you have one item of business to attend to (okay, technically, one of two). You get in, you get out, no eye contact, no small talk – perhaps a congenial nod or howdy if you pass a co-worker but otherwise it’s a place sans communication, vocalization and jubilation. THERE’S NO WHISTLING! That’s just creepy and off-putting and it makes me clench up mid-stream … so … so knock it off, ya screwball!