Posts Tagged ‘Gifts’


October 21, 2017

Hush, little baby, don’t say a word. Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won’t sing, Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring turns brass, Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass. And if that looking glass gets broke, Mama’s going to buy you a billy goat.

Whoa. Now look here a minute. The bird was kind of cool, I’ll admit, but a diamond ring?! That’s a hell of an upgrade. And then, who the blazes thinks a mirror – or a freakin’ farm animal – is an acceptable substitute for a major jewelry purchase? Screw it. Just get me a gift certificate or a gift card or something. I really don’t trust your sense of gift equality here.


Presents We Mind

July 12, 2014
I was answering this online quiz once and the question was posed: “What is America’s most hated birthday gift?” The options were scented candles, bath salts or novelty mugs. I checked the mugs, of course, but was informed that I was wrong; it’s the candles. Now I’ve got to express my disbelief here because, while it’s true that not everyone cares for scented candles (the Philistines!), show me anyone who’s EVER gotten excited over a “World’s Best Golfer” coffee mug. I’d wager even Tiger Woods wants to lodge ceramic shards of pain in the backsides of his kids when they try and pull that kind of cheap-ass stupidity.