People I Hate #714 (In A Series)

Who: The guy who jogs in the street when there’s a sidewalk.

Why: He’s out for a run – probably shirtless and wearing a Fitbit, so I already dislike the guy – but he’s not running on the sidewalk. Why not? The sidewalk is right there. He can’t miss it, can he? I mean, it runs parallel to the bloody street! But no, he eschews the sidewalk for its unevenness, its texture, its elevation, who the hell knows? All I can see is he’s running in the damn street when there’s a perfectly good sidewalk ten feet away.

How I justify it: He’s a douchebag nuisance who believes his desire for fitness supersedes traffic and pedestrian safety. Moreover, he deserves to have the imprint of my Camry’s front grill tattooed on his ass.

People I Hate #714 (In A Series)

Who: The guy who jogs in the street when there’s a sidewalk.

Why: He’s out for a run – probably shirtless and wearing a Fitbit, so I already dislike the guy – but he’s not running on the sidewalk. Why not? The sidewalk is right there. He can’t miss it, can he? I mean, it runs parallel to the bloody street! But no, he eschews the sidewalk for its unevenness, its texture, its elevation, who the hell knows? All I can see is he’s running in the damn street when there’s a perfectly good sidewalk ten feet away.

How I justify it: He’s a douchebag nuisance who believes his desire for fitness supersedes traffic and pedestrian safety. Moreover, he deserves to have the imprint of my Camry’s front grill tattooed on his ass.

People I Hate #704 (In A Series)

Who: The guy who adds extra numbers when counting your exercises.

Why: He’s a P.E. teacher or a personal trainer and he’s putting you through your paces. “Gimme 50 sit-ups,” he says and starts counting. All seems fair and above board until you get within spitting distance of the finishing line and suddenly he’s all, like, “45 … 46 … 47 … 48 … 49 … 49 … 49 … FIFTY!” Yeah, we get it, Bruiser – you added some more numbers in there kinda surreptitious like so’s we wouldn’t notice. But hey – he was doing it to ease us into better health so it’s completely noble, right? NO! It makes him a total dick on a power trip.

How I justify it: At best, it’s unwanted teasing, at worst he’s a bully who’s being paid to abuse you. Either way, he’s fitter than you are so you can’t do anything but seethe and stew in your own flabby resentment and rage.