Posts Tagged ‘Family’

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #17

February 16, 2018

I remember a trip to Yosemite back in ’89 when my sister and I were at that angry sibling/annoying sibling stage. We were in the back seat and, about every 30 seconds, she’d slam her fist into my tender arm and shout, “Punch bug!”

“Punch bug!” Bam!

“Punch bug!” Smack!

“Punch bug!” Thwack!

“Punch bug!” Wham!

All the way from Louisville to Peoria. Finally, when I couldn’t take another slug, I screamed, “It doesn’t count when you’re INSIDE a Volkswagen!”

She just giggled like a maniac while Dad pretended not to hear and Mom knocked back another Jack & Coke. Worst road trip of my life.

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Rattle & Roll

November 25, 2017

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When I was a kid and I was asked where I wanted to eat, I would always reply the same thing: Shakey’s Pizza. Problem was: there was no Shakey’s nearby – or even in my city. I’d apparently seen a commercial during Thundercats or Dangermouse or something and I thought it was the end-all be-all of pizzeria experiences. All that piano playing and delicious pizza pie … aw, man; that’s my idea of heaven!

So one day, my dad – always one to think outside the box and save a few bucks – brought home some Totino’s Pizza Rolls and banged out chopsticks on my sister’s Fisher-Price Step and Play Piano and said that I should stop my whining and never mention those bastards at Shakey’s ever again.

Yeah, we weren’t close much after that, the old man and I.

Gifted

October 21, 2017

Hush, little baby, don’t say a word. Mama’s going to buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird won’t sing, Mama’s going to buy you a diamond ring. And if that diamond ring turns brass, Mama’s going to buy you a looking glass. And if that looking glass gets broke, Mama’s going to buy you a billy goat.

Whoa. Now look here a minute. The bird was kind of cool, I’ll admit, but a diamond ring?! That’s a hell of an upgrade. And then, who the blazes thinks a mirror – or a freakin’ farm animal – is an acceptable substitute for a major jewelry purchase? Screw it. Just get me a gift certificate or a gift card or something. I really don’t trust your sense of gift equality here.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

September 10, 2017

Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0

 

Five Reasons To Have Kids

Someone to look after you in your dotage

Irreponsable about birth control

Cheap labor

Need an excuse to drive a mini-van

To sit next to non-breeders in restaurants and annoy the hell out of them

 

Five Nicknames for Your Hand

High-Five Fanatic

The Glove Stuffer

Marvin

Clap Happy

The Back-up Girlfriend

 

Five Hanna-Barbera Characters I Think Are Jerkwads

Precious Pupp

Yankee Doodle Pigeon

The Great Gazoo

Ranger Smith

Shazzan

 

Five Deadly Snack Crackers

Goldfission Bomb

Wheatabullets

The Nekotomicon

Lance

Ginger Snaps-Your-Neck-Without-A-Second-Thought

ONE … TWO … CHA CHA CHA

February 10, 2017

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

As a matter of fact, Uncle Stanley did just that at a family reunion once. 

He wasn’t well. 

And he’s been locked up for a long time now.