Posts Tagged ‘Family Circus’

Child Splay

May 2, 2016

While Sparky MacMillan is away on a well-deserved vacation, his son Billy takes over the satiric ramblings of THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE.

Hi there!

Here’s what happened to me today: Mommy wanted to know who broke the antique vase and I said “Not me!” Then, I imagined my dead grandpa looking down at us from a cloud in Heaven. After that, I came up with some clever childish puns (“Want to go to the beach? Shore!”). Later, mom wanted me to go tell Dolly it’s time to take a bath, so I went the long way, stopping off to do a lot of stuff and then …

Um…

Is my dad gone yet? He was watching me over my shoulder as I type this, but I think he’s in the kitchen getting a beer now. Good! You gotta help me!!! He’s a slave driver!! He makes me do his work for him and he doesn’t pay me squat! Apple sweatshop workers earn more than I do! I haven’t had a decent meal in weeks; he only feeds me rancid government surplus cheese! He makes me wear these nasty clothes he stole off a homeless guy, he won’t let me watch anything on TV but the crappy shows on TLC and E! and he sometimes dresses me up as one of the My Little Ponies and …

HEY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, YOU LITTLE SNOT?!?!?!

What? Oh, daddy, I was just fooling around.

I’LL TEACH YOU TO FOOL AROUND, CRAPMUFFIN! C’MERE!!!

No! No, daddy! Not the salad tongs!!!!

I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD, I CAN TAKE YOU OUT!!!

I hate you! You’re not my father!

DAMN RIGHT! YOU WERE ADOPTED, YOU FESTERING MONKEY COLON!

I’ll kill you in your sleep!

SHUT UP AND BARK LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!!!!

Ow! Uhhhhh, uhhhh, a-rooooooooooo!!! Ruff! Ruff! A-rooooo!!!!!!

NOW, GET YOUR LITTLE TUCHAS OUT TO THE SHED AND FETCH ME MY VICE GRIP AND DUCT TAPE!

No! I’ll be good! I promise!

The above was a dramatic portrayal of what can happen when a creative mind goes bad.

Now, I don’t have a child to exploit, nor would I had I (not that forced child labor doesn’t have a role to play in our society) but there are those who would coerce their offspring into doing their dirty work for them. Right or wrong, good or bad, who’s to say really. I just feel the need to poke and prod and shine the light of truth upon the dark crevice that is ignorance. Call me a sort of thinking man’s proctologist, if you will.

But not to my face, please.

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People I Hate #13 (In A Series)

July 6, 2015

Who: Bil Keane, creator of The Family Circus

Why I Hate Him: He is the antichrist. There’s no other explanation for the hell he hath wrought upon this earth.

How I justify it: When anyone asks who could possibly hate such a benign cartoonist, I just shrug and say, “Ida Know.”

Top 10 Comic Strip Secrets

September 10, 2014

The funny pages may seem like little more than a pleasant morning’s diversion, something to chuckle at over coffee and toast, but the truth is there are more sordid stories behind the panels than fleas on Marmaduke! So grab on to something solid and sit back as we regale you with the Top Ten Comic Strip Secrets The Syndicates Don’t Want You To Know!

1. Calvin and Hobbes did not magically sled off to adventures unknown as the final strip would have you believe (sadly, Calvin now resides in a state mental institution, heavily sedated, living in a fantasy world of talking tigers, high-flying spacemen, stupendous superheroes and mutilated snowmen)

2. The Family Circus kids are all adopted

3. Beetle Bailey once shot himself in the foot in order to avoid Vietnam service

4. Rex Morgan, M.D. went to med school in Grenada

5. In 1985, Charlie Brown was given community service and a permanent restraining order for stalking the Little Red-Haired Girl

6. Little Nemo In Slumberland should really be Little Nemo on Psychedelic Mushrooms

7. Mark Trail and Mary Worth are friends with benefits

8. Li’l Abner honestly really is

9. Garfield’s owner, Jon Arbuckle, killed his former roommate and Odie’s original owner, Lyman, after he discovered him with veterinarian Liz Wilson. Lyman is buried in the back garden where hapless Odie can sometimes be seen pawing at the ground and whining mournfully

10. Nancy’s Aunt Fritzi makes ends meet by working the pole at Bushmiller’s