Posts Tagged ‘Embarrassment’

Med Men

April 28, 2019

When I was in my early 20s I went to a doctor who wasn’t a pediatrician for the first time. During the physical, he gave me the full once over and asked me the type of questions I’d never been on the receiving end of before. At one point he asked if I was “regular” but I didn’t know what that meant. I’d heard the term before but not in context. I thought he was asking me if I was gay or straight. This kind of bothered me since I felt that was crossing a line and not particularly relevant to my health. Still, I told him reluctantly that I thought I was “regular enough.” He then followed with, “How often would you say?” I was, of course, really thrown by this one but returned with a tentative, “Maybe once every few months, if I’m lucky.” The doctor looked at me, shocked, and then wrote me a prescription for the biggest industrial-strength laxative I’d wager any human ever ingested. It basically turned my digestive tract into a sluice. I lost nearly 20 pounds before we realized what the miscommunication had been.

Learned my lesson though: always lie to you physician.


Bittersweet Sixteen

August 21, 2016

On my 16th birthday, my dad said he had something special for me and we drove to another town where we checked into a motel. Dad left me on my own and said my surprise would be arriving soon. I sat there on the bed and watched MTV.  

Eventually, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a beautiful woman who said she was my birthday present from my father. She came into the room and undressed me and then told me to go start the shower running and that she would give me a surprise I’d never forget. I quickly ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting the water run nice and hot. However, when I left the bathroom, the woman was gone. And so were my clothes. The motel room door was wide open and I could see people outside pointing and laughing at me.

My father never came back to the motel and I had to make an outfit out of bedsheets and pillowcases just so I could walk home twenty miles in the rain. When I finally got home, my dad laughed and said it was all a harsh lesson in life and that no one ever gets what they want no matter how near they come to it. 

We were never very close after that, me and the old man.

The John Locke Foundation

September 12, 2015

I know we’re all gonna have disparate opinions on most things. People are different, I get that. Tomato, toe-mah-tow, yep, that’s a basic tenet of life. One man’s chocolate is another’s vanilla, hey, granted. I honestly, truly, implicitly understand that there are different sides to the same story and people think differently and not everyone believes the same thing I do and – I get it, okay, let’s stop belaboring the point!

But can we at least all come together on one thing and each and every one of us acknowledge that it is our solemn duty to – as members of a shared society – lock the damn bathroom door when you’re in there?!

It’ll just avoid a lot of needless embarrassment is all I’m sayin’.

Under Where?

October 1, 2014

This is an old commercial for Star Wars Underoos. It’s creepy and sad on multiple levels. First off, if this spot was produced today, the guy responsible would receive a visit from Chris Hansen. Secondly, Boba Fett, who may be the most awesome character to ever spring from the creative mind of George Lucas, can never EVER be cool again after being featured in this. And, third, the kids who acted in this are now grownups and they probably see this and cry, recalling dreams of Hollywood stardom that never was, remembering a more innocent age where their demanding stage mothers dragged them to cattle call after cattle call with the false promise that the ridicule and mockery from the friends who would see them dancing in their skivvies would all be worth it when they accepted their Oscar or Emmy or Tony and partied the night away in their Beverly Hills mansion – but of course it was all a fantasy shattered by mediocrity and years of failure and now they must wipe away the tears of humiliation and despair and get back to work because those shelves aren’t gonna stock themselves!