Posts Tagged ‘Easter Bunny’

The Easter Bunny Hates You

April 16, 2017

This. NEVER. Gets. Old.

Happy Easter!

How Stupid Are Kids?

April 5, 2015

Rhetorical question really because kids are pretty bloody stupid. We all start out as gullible, naïve little tabula rasas and even when we learn about the truly horrible stuff (death, disease, divorce) we still devour the lies adults feed us like Augustus Gloop at a Willy Wonka smorgasbord. But I guess the question really should be “How stupid do adults think kids are?” 

I’m talking about the Easter Bunny here, folks. If you’ve ever gotten a basket full of chocolate, jellybeans, Cadbury eggs and other ingenious ways to hasten the demise of those rarely-flossed baby teeth, then you’ve probably been told about the Easter Bunny. He doesn’t have a really cool origin like Santa and he doesn’t have the colorful trappings that help Santa dazzle imaginations, yet adults still push this Lagamorpha load like they’re his own personal superagent. Hell, even the Tooth Fairy has a better backstory. But time after time, year after year, Easter after frikkin’ Easter, kids are told that the Easter Bunny will come visit. There’s not even a threat of “if you’re good…” and there’s no insincere artifice beyond the initial promise of candy and Paas. The awkward conversations about “How can Santa travel all around the world in one night” are nonexistent when it comes to the Easter Bunny. Why he does what he does, how he gets the candy and painted ova, whether he is part poultry – all moot. Kids rarely ask, don’t really care. And the pièce de résistance of the grownup ridiculosity is this:

EasterBunny

THIS, adults tell you, is the Easter Bunny. Sigh. It’s a guy in a suit, we all know that. The kids know it. Their parents know it. The news reporter forced to cover this ridiculous holiday sham knows it. The only bonehead who may be oblivious to this salient fact is the method actor inside the costume who’s been living off carrots and lettuce for two weeks now and has been trying to crap in little pellets just to be “true to his character.” (more…)

The Easter Bunny Hates You

April 20, 2014

This. NEVER. Gets. Old.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Easter Edition)

April 20, 2014

Five Easter Candy-Related Injuries

Chocolate bunny overdose

Jelly bean lodged in nasal cavity

Peep rash

Slip on Cadbury crème egg & hit head on edge of coffee table

CarPAAS® tunnel syndrome

 

Five Easter Bunny Variations

Sir Hops-A-Lot (U.K.)

Der Furrengrössen (Germany)

Tamago Usagi-chan – Little Egg Bunny (Japan)

Dwi’ngygarupasghapuscwningen (Welsh)

兔子窃贼 – The Rabbit that Steals from the People (China)

 

Five Really Good Easter Egg Hiding Places

Taped to someone’s back, like Bruce Willis’ gun in Die Hard

Inside a chocolate bunny

The Gobi desert

Inside a toilet tank (like an upper decker)

At a matinee showing of Draft Day

 

Five Bad Easter Experiences

Never found that last egg (age 5)

Broke up with girlfriend; ate heads off of chocolate bunnies until I lapsed into sugar coma (11th grade)

Accidentally bought sugar-free PEEPs (2003)

Saw Dragonball Evolution at cinema (2009)

Inhaled recalled egg dye; stripped down to skivvies and ran through dorm hallway screaming, “Jesus zombies! Eeeeyyyarrgh!!!” (Freshman year)

 

Five Easter Bunny Fears

Fear of being discovered

Fear of exploding eggs

Fear that kids would rather have hasenpfeffer than candy

Fear Velveteen Rabbit will ignore restraining order

Fear someone will catch him Red Boxing Hop with Russell Brand