Posts Tagged ‘Doughnuts’

People I Hate #402 (In A Series)

November 18, 2019

Who: The inventor of the Cronut

Why: Croissant + doughnut = instant fame! But think about it – drunks and stoners and the morbidly obese are creating ridiculous new foods every day to no acclaim or profit whatsoever and some NYC foodie manages to wrangle the hipster zeitgeist and the next thing you know this portmanteau pastry is the belle of the bakery ball.

How I justify it: Spite … since the culinary school laughed me and my cannoléclair out of the kitchen.

People I Hate #811 (In A Series)

June 3, 2019

Who: The half-a-doughnut people

Why I Hate Them: You’re at a meeting or an office function, maybe a community event, perhaps some non-profit volunteer gig, and you see that someone brought in some doughnuts. Awesome! Free doughnuts! Seriously, how cool is that? So you go to nab yourself a sweet treat and you see that a few half been taken but – wait, what’s this? Someone took half a doughnut. And, no, I’m not saying someone ate part of a doughnut and put the uneaten half back. No, someone took a knife and cut a doughnut in half and just ate half a doughnut. Why? Who the hell cares. They’ll tell you it was discipline but the practical upshot is it makes anyone who takes a whole doughnut look like an utter pig.

How I justify it: I don’t care if you’re on a diet or you just have the will power of a ninja master, if you are going to splurge then eat the whole freakin’ doughnut. That way, I can at least live in some form of denial when I swing by the Krispy Kreme drive-thru after work and inhale a half dozen on the drive home.

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September 5 Trivia Rankings

September 6, 2018

A lovely Wednesday night for trivia. Some new faces, to be sure – but missing some familiar ones. I know September is a month of transition but come back to play with us, Quizlings! You are definitely missed.

For those who were there, it was all about presidential doughnuts, mathematical constants, snack food football and Cheers PSAs. Plus there was this I’ve-never-heard-of-that! cinematic moment:

Now let’s see how your team did this week.

All You Can Eat Every Sunday 71
Kavanooooooooo! 68
1st Grade Is More Like It 67
Pepperoni On National Cheese Pizza Day: Treason? 66
Pip Pip Hooray! 64
The Trivial 7 64
Bishop To Queen Boob Two – Checkmate 58
I Can’t Believe I’m Not Buddha 58
Show Me Your Kitties 52
Team 14 51
The Op-Ed Is Coming From Inside The White House 50
I Got Nothin’ 50
Ruth Bader Winsburg 48
Slice Slice Baby 47

January 31 Trivia Rankings

February 1, 2018

Girl Scout Cookies, a Hello Kitty treasure hunt and a dam tiebreaker. What’s not to love?

Seriously, Quizlings, what a night! Tougher than usual? Depends on whom you ask. But the scores look more along the usual lines than last week’s Potter-filled fluke. Along the way, there were doughnuts and beers and playing cards. That’s a fun night no matter how you slice it.

Plus there was this advertising puzzler…

Now here are the weekly rankings. How’d your team do?

Record Low Unemployment For Fact Checkers 64
The Bea Arthurs 61
That’s No Moon! 60
Are These Cookies Made With Real Girl Scouts? 59
Tomato Jake’s Superb Owl Party 57
New Olympic Event: The 38th Parallel Bars 53
The Revengers 50
Republican Trainwreck Takes Out The Garbage 49
European Uniom 47
If Tomato Jake’s Played The National Anthem, We’d Kneel 47
It’s A Stormy Affair 46
Scoring More Points Than The Russian Olympic Team 45
1 Year Down, 3 To Go 45
The State Of The Trivia Union 44
18 Years Ago I Supermooned A Hospital Room 43
Periodic Table Dancers 42
League Ladies 28
We’re Here Now 26

Cruller Fate

September 5, 2017

I was driving through Chapel Hill yesterday and I saw an older gentleman jogging. He appeared to be in his sixties and he was making his way slowly but steadily, huffing and puffing along a sidewalk. When I first saw him, I thought, “Good on you, mate! Way to keep it active in your senior years.” Then as I got nearer to the sexagenarian jogger I noticed the striking expression on his face – nothing but agony and misery. My kudos quickly turned to something along the lines of “poor bastard.” But I drove on and not ten seconds later passed a Dunkin Donuts where I spied a similarly aged man sitting outside the establishment eating a pastry. The look on his face? Pure joy. Unadulterated bliss.

So what did I learn from this unexpected but ever so appropriate juxtaposition? One man’s pain is another’s pleasure? Make the most of your retiring years? Enjoy every second? Good health is worth the effort? Nope, nothing so insightful. The lesson is simply this: Donuts is tasty and exercise sucks. But I think I knew that going into the experience, didn’t you?

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“I’ll have a dozen assorted to go, please.”

October 7 Trivia Rankings

October 7, 2015

Happy anniversary, Quizlings! If you’ve been with us since the beginning, thank you and welcome to a month of spooky trivia and some extra-special prizes. All month long, we’re giving away something extra just for being such great Quizlings (this week – doughnuts).

After a few cipherin’ mistakes were corrected, the teams were ranked accordingly…

Jack Stole My Dinner 71
Where Is Our Jalapenio Bacon Mac & Cheese, You Idiot? 68
Team Name Failure 67
Pete Rose Plays Draft Kings 67
Saving Matt Damon 66
Pastor of Muppets 65
We Like Our Grits Al Dente 63
Bed, Bath & Beyoncé 63
Not Feeling It 62
Sparky’s Angels 59
A Moment Of Silence For The Dearly Departed Nipple [pink ribbon] 55
Taylor Swift Kick To The Face 55
Neutral Swedes Award Nobel To Both UNC And Duke 55
Snickerdoodle 53
The Baloney Pony 48
It’s Going Tibia Blowout 47
We Might Be On The Bottom But We’re Okay With That 42
Do We Get A Free Brownie If We Place Last? 40

Tart Attack

March 22, 2015

I’ve decided how I will die.

No, no, no – don’t get me wrong. I’m not being morbid. I have no intention of passing any time soon. Trust me on that. When my time comes I will fight the grim reaper with every ounce of strength, grit and deceit I can muster. But I have seen the future of my mortality and it has a name.

It’s the Pop Tart Stuffed Doughnut.

Yep. A bakery in San Francisco has taken all the delicious goodness found in Kellogg’s breakfast pastry and shoved it, like a dessert turducken, into the cavity of a yummy doughnut. Sound amazing? Of course it does.

Now, I’m not in the City by the Bay and I have no plans of visiting. I don’t even eat desserts anymore. Yet I know that as sure as the sun will rise that I will – one day – somehow be in the position to  try one of these so-called Big Poppa Tarts and I will seize the opportunity because it is the most incredible thing I have ever heard of and I will put it into my mouth and savor the sweet, delectable goodness of this hybrid confection and then my heart will asplode and my brain will seize up and I will die because humans are not made to withstand such utter decadence delivered in the form of a high-caloric sweetbomb.

Of course, armed with this prescience, I could avoid the pitfalls of a patisserie-plagued demise and steer clear of the Pop Tart doughnut. But no. The foreknowledge of my doom places me on a perfect path that leads me inexorably toward this sinful streudelkin in a way that comforts me with its surety. I live, I breathe, I exist in contentment, knowing my perverted pudding oblivion awaits.

So fare-ye-well, Pop Tart Stuffed Doughnut. We shall meet one day. Yes, we shall.

And it will be glorious.

poptart + doughnuts = reaper

Come to me , my ambrosial amor and let me embrace my mortality.

Pastry Faced

September 24, 2014

A Krispy Kreme in the UK has created a double hundred dozen box of delicious doughnuts. Yes, that’s 2,400 doughnuts. All in one glorious “hot now” glazed box.

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That sound you hear? Me dusting off my passport and amending my bloody bucket list!