Posts Tagged ‘Comic Books’

Gone And Forgotten

July 10, 2020

I own a lot of stuff. I try not to overdo it and purchase crap I don’t really need or want but over the years I’ve accumulated tons of stuff from comic books to clothes to VHS tapes to Tupperware. Some stuff can be found in boxes and amount to little more than memories (grade school report cards), memorabilia (concert ticket stubs) and mishigas (my junior high retainer). Some stuff is on display (Hello Kitty plush) and in closets (board games) and in drawers (my POGs). And although I don’t read or touch or ponder most of these things on a regular basis I am aware of them, at least distantly. They hold fond memories or are pleasing to the eye or provide comfort or appreciate in value even as they sit unattended in my spare room. But today – tonight – just a few hours ago – I realized there was an item I’d completely forgotten about. Didn’t realize I ever bought it and could have sworn I didn’t own it. Had you asked to borrow it yesterday I would have told you to talk to someone who had one or gave a crap or something. But now… looking through a shoebox of odds and ends from my first apartment, there it was. Damn, I feel bad. 25 years of neglect and ignorance and what I’m sure, if it were a child, would amount to a pretty good case for social services. I know it’s an inanimate object but still … not to have given it a second’s thought since, I’m guessing 1991 … I just feel bad about it. Like when I forgot to feed the goldfish when I was 8 (still feeling bad about that).

So let me issue an apology to my cassette tape of Del Amitri’s 1989 release, Waking Hours, featuring their hit single, Kiss This Thing Goodbye, and my personal favorite, Nothing Ever Happens. You may have escaped my memory for over two decades but I can guarantee you I will not ignore you in the future. In fact, I’ll even listen to you – for the first time since the first Bush administration! Yeah, that’s right. It’ll be as if we never parted and I was still in my 1984 Toyota Tercel and you in my tape deck (not factory installed) as we cruised down the highway on our way to the big city and big dreams. Sigh. Big failed dreams.

Oh well. Back in the box. Another 30 years won’t kill you.



August 5, 2019


Five Novelty Songs

Junk Food Junkie (Larry Groce)

Fish Heads (Barnes & Barnes)

Der Fuhrer’s Face (Spike Jones)

Take Off (Bob & Doug McKenzie)

King Tut (Steve Martin)


Five Spice Girl-Seven Dwarf Hybrids


Doc Scary

Baby Sneezy




Five Sentences I’ve Never Spoken (And Never Will)

“Fill ‘er up – with delicious goose gravy!”

“One senior ticket for Crawl, please.”

“Rookie Wookiee nookie bookie cookie Snooki.”

“Duke rules!”

“Reality television is not ruining the small screen.”


Five Things I Hope Scientists Never Find Cause Cancer



Comic Books

British comedies

Feeling superior to idiots


Five Movies That Sound Like They Could Be Porn

Gleaming the Cube

Romancing the Stone

The Big Red One

Feeling Minnesota

Driving Miss Daisy


FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Superman Edition)

June 22, 2019


Five Least Marketable Superman Family Characters

Superman’s Landlord, Larry Lewis

Ploppo the Super-Grouper

Clark Kent’s Optometrist

Craig Luthor, Lex’s younger, less successful brother

Yok-El, Superman’s Redneck Kryptonian Cousin


Five Unknown Superman Weaknesses

Can’t do Sudoku

Heat vision doesn’t work on gazpacho

Vulnerability to yodeling


A hot dog makes him lose control


Five Jimmy Olsen Complaints

Superman doesn’t trust him with his secret identity

Daily Planet 401K sucks

Clark Kent won’t join him on LinkedIn

Krypto always greets him by sniffing his crotch

At office parties, Perry White gets a little “handsy”


Five Rarely-Used Superman Nicknames

The Man of Molybdenum


The Flying Buttress

The Metropolis Meatball

The Illegal Alien from Krypton


Five Valuable Superman Comic Books

Action Comics #1 – first appearance

Superman #61 – first kryptonite

Superboy #14 – Clark Kent uses x-ray vision to spy on Lana Lang in shower

Action Comics #663 – Lex Luthor tries Propecia

World’s Finest #52 – Superman & Batman in drunken threesome with Hawkgirl


No Love

May 6, 2019

According to a government study, students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not. Basically, this means the nearly $2 billion the federal government spent on abstinence-until-marriage education since 1982 may have been completely wasted.

Say, I got an idea. You want to keeps kids from having sex? Give ’em braces and glasses and then make ’em join the chess club, read comic books, play D&D and watch sci fi. Trust me: No one will even give them a glance sexually. Hey, it worked for me! (And you’re welcome, federal government! You can make that $2 billion check out to Sparky MacMillan.)

With Great Poser …

January 8, 2019

Who is the lamest superhero, you ask? Most people who don’t read comics (and a few who do) will say Aquaman. But that’s because they’re idiots. Sure, the Superfriends cartoon made him look as useful as a plate of three-day-old tuna – and there were a few early Justice League issues that weren’t much better. I mean, seriously, Martian Manhunter may have had the dumbest weakness (fire) because he was essentially a Superman-level hero with ESP and invisibility and other cool powers and a match could take him out, yet Aquaman was consistently depicted as becoming as weak as limp fettuccine after exactly ONE HOUR out of water. Meaning at 59 minutes and he’s the King of The Seas but 60 seconds later and, bam, he’s lucky Mrs. Paul wasn’t his arch nemesis. Still, he’s Atlantean royalty, so that’s gotta count for something! And he can talk to fish, which is more than you can do. Plus, his body is used to the pressures at the bottom of the sea so he had super strength on land. Face it: This guy was no limpet. (more…)

Somebody Save Me

September 10, 2018

Supposedly, as it was told, Superman was born on February 29th. At least that was the pat response that DC Comics and staff would give when queried as to the date of the Man of Steel’s birth either by mail or at comic book conventions or cocktail parties. Me, I always found that explanation to be a bit glib. Born on leap day? As if that explained the comic book contrivance of aging at a slower rate than the readership. If so, what about Batman? Or Wonder Woman? Or Julius Schwartz? And was the 29th supposed to be the day he was born on Krypton or the date he arrived on Earth and was adopted by the Kents? The apathetic answer, designed to quiet fanboys, disturbed me greatly as a young collector. But, to be honest, what really disturbs me the most about this whole Superman’s birthday commotion was how much time I spent obsessing over that particular piece of four-color minutiae when I was a teenager!

Yep, I didn’t date much in high school.


But What’s Up With That Seal?

December 11, 2017

I could go into deep detail about my longtime love/hate relationship with the 1960s Batman television series … how the show’s camp nature seemed to forevermore stain the public psyche where the Dark Knight was concerned yet how much damn fun the whole mishigas was so it almost offsets my ire …

I could go into detail about it all but I think this clip speaks for itself…

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Justice League Edition)

November 18, 2017

Five Things Superman and Batman Fight Over

Which is cooler – the Batcave or the Fortress of Solitude

Who has the more tragic backstory

What toppings to get on a pizza

Batman never clears old episodes of Say Yes To The Dress from the JLA DVR

Whether to raise Robin Jewish or Lutheran


Five Legion of Doom Pet Peeves

Swamp headquarters attracts a lot of bugs

No healthy snacks in the commissary

Lex Luthor turned casual Fridays into pantless Fridays

Not nearly enough toys (Toyman only)

Solomon Grundy never flushes


Five Flash Pick-Up Lines

I like fast girls.

Don’t tell anyone … but my secret identity is Brad Pitt.

What has two thumbs and owns a cosmic treadmill? THIS guy!

Yeaaaaah, I know Green Arrow.

I’m only the fastest man alive when I’m fighting crime, if ya know what I mean. 


Five Milestone Comic Book Issues

Brave and the Bold #28 – The Justice League bands together for the first time

Flash #123 – Re-introduces Justice Society of America into continuity

Extreme Justice #2 – First appearance of Martian Manhunter’s longtime companion, G’ary

Justice League International #18 – Guy Gardner given atomic wedgie by Booster Gold

JLA #59 – Elongated Man and Sue Dibny attend a key party 


Five Justice League Hazing Initiations

Taking Aquaman “midnight swimming”

Streaking through the Avengers HQ

Drinking a fifth of vodka and reciting the Green Lantern oath

Pantsing Alfred

Burying the Wonder Twins in a shallow grave in the desert


Fool Me Once …

October 27, 2017

Back in fifth grade, my best friend and I went in halfsies on what we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was going to be the coolest thing ever in our young lives – a monster! But not just any monster, no – a life-size monster that obeys your every whim and comes when you command!

We ordered it out of the back of a comic book. I think it was $1.50, so we each put seventy-five cents in an envelope and mailed it off. It said wait six to eight weeks but of course we’d come home every day after school and immediately look in the mailbox. We did this for two months. Finally, it arrived. (more…)

Hard To Believe

September 2, 2016

You don’t have to be a fanboy to appreciate this little publishing gem – it’s the BEST COMIC BOOK COVER EVER!

Yes, it’s the actual cover to Dell’s The Rifleman #10 (1962) featuring a very-happy-to-see-you Chuck Connors and a young boy who had better have grown up to know a good therapist.

And you thought my Giant-Size Man-Thing was awesome.