Rhetorical question really because kids are pretty bloody stupid. We all start out as gullible, naïve little tabulae rasae and even when we learn about the truly horrible stuff (death, disease, divorce) we still devour the lies adults feed us like Augustus Gloop at a Willy Wonka smorgasbord. But I guess the question really should be “How stupid do adults think kids are?”
I’m talking about the Easter Bunny here, folks. If you’ve ever gotten a basket full of chocolate, jellybeans, Cadbury eggs and other ingenious ways to hasten the demise of those rarely-flossed baby teeth, then you’ve probably been told about the Easter Bunny. He doesn’t have a really cool origin like Santa and he doesn’t have the colorful trappings that help Santa dazzle imaginations, yet adults still push this Lagamorpha load like they’re his own personal super agent. Hell, even the Tooth Fairy has a better backstory. But time after time, year after year, Easter after frikkin’ Easter, kids are told that the Easter Bunny will come visit. There’s not even a threat of “if you’re good…” and there’s no insincere artifice beyond the initial promise of candy and PAAS. The awkward conversations about “How can Santa travel all around the world in one night” are nonexistent when it comes to the Easter Bunny. Why he does what he does, how he gets the candy and painted ova, whether he is part poultry – all moot. Kids rarely ask, don’t really care. And the pièce de résistance of the grownup ridiculousness is this:
On a dare, I once put a whole birthday cake in a blender and made a smoothie out of it, candles and all. Drank every last bit of it. I got sick and threw up into the piñata. Boy, were those kids surprised when they beat that papier-mâché donkey and vomit came spewing out.
Needless to say, I was fired from that Chuck E. Cheese shortly thereafter.
Here’s a fun thing to do. Tell your kid that there’s a surprise birthday party for a cousin or friend of a friend or distant relative – someone the kid doesn’t know. Then take him or her to a Toys ‘R’ Us and look around for a present. Spend a long time looking and get something really cool you know your kid would like. Go home, wrap the present and make your child take a bath and get all dressed up. Then drive the young one over to Chuck E. Cheese or some fun park or bouncy castle party place and go inside. When you ask where the party for the cousin or whoever is, they staff will of course say that there isn’t one. You can then pretend to get really angry like you just wasted a whole day for nothing and then you can smash up the toy present and drag your kid back home and make him do chores. Ha ha ha ha! That would be pretty darn funny, right? No, no, wait. Er, no, not funny, what’s the word? Ah…cruel! Yep, pretty darn cruel. Heh heh. Yeeeeeeeah. Well, whatever floats your boat. I got issues.
I think the most pathetic occupation ever must be the birthday party magician. Birthday party clowns I can understand; those suckers are already warped. But the magicians? Sad, oh so sad. Here you are, a craftsman, an artiste, finely honing your talent to the point your illusory skill can make people suspend their disbelief and “oooh” and “aaaah” over your marvelous feats. But due to the fact that you can’t get a good agent or you live in Hoboken, NJ or you just aren’t up to the standards of David Copperfield, you have to knock ‘em dead at 7-year-old Caitlin’s Chuck E. Cheese gala.
“This next trick was first conjured by the Augustinian Monks in the 6th century A.D. and has mystified the crowned heads of Europe –” “Make a balloon animal!” “What?” “Make a balloon doggie!” “Oy, my life sucks.”
In a shocker that stunned the QSR world, fast food pitchman Ronald McDonald was found dead in his McDonaldland home late last week. The burger clown died of a massive heart attack brought on by decades of fatty, greasy, caloric food, including Quarter Pounders, McNuggets and Hot Apple Pies – just as the McDonald’s corporation celebrates the 50th anniversary of the Big Mac.
“He appeared to be in peak condition,” said longtime companion Grimace, through tears. “But appearances were obviously deceiving … like that runner, Jim Fixx, who dropped dead while jogging back in the ’80s. Just tragic.”
Doctor Hiram Snavely, renowned medico to such fast food luminaries as Wendy, Chuck E. Cheese and Gilbert Giddyup, noted that such a demise is not uncommon within the ranks of restaurant mascots. “The Colonel? Salmonella. The Chihuahua? Dehydration due to Montezuma’s Revenge. Big Boy? Coronary artery disease at age 17. They are what they eat and all the fruit and walnut salads in the world cannot make up for a lifetime of crap,” he said. “Just watch ‘Supersize Me’ some time.”
But chastisement and blame aside, those on the inside seem completely aware of their plight. Former pizza frontman, The Noid, now serving a lifetime sentence for fraud and embezzlement, noted, “We are nothing but indentured servants, held fast by the need for stardom and the addiction to the poison they feed us. We know our lives are worthless and that we’ll end up in an early grave – or worse, a living Hell.”
Meanwhile, a community mourns and comes together to bury its most revered and respected. The funeral will be held Wednesday during the lunchtime rush at McDonald’s Playplace. Services will be presided over by Reverend McCheese (recently ordained through the Internet). Ronald McDonald will be buried in a special McDLT coffin to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.
Another month down and another awesome week of trivia! Thanks so much, Quizlings. Keep coming back for more every week. It’s our 9th year and I’m doubling the first prize the first week attendance reaches 100. We’ve come close but hasn’t happened thus far into 2018. Maybe next week? Bring your friends and let’s make it happen!
This week, we chatted about presidential slogans, disco-era song titles and pizza chain middle initials. Plus there was this animated snack food memory…
Now here are the rankings for the week. See you next time!
Something Something Trump Something Something Give Us A Brownie
69
Miller Time For 100K
66
Will Lie For Pizza
63
21 Gun Salute to Dick’s
63
The Stuttering Prisoner Died Before Finishing His Sentence
62
Where’s Jon?
61
1 Hope Hicks = 40 Scaramuccis
58
One Less Hick In The White House
57
How Was The Pull Out … Couch?
55
Go Directly To Jail. Do Not Collect $200
54
3 Girls In Sweats
53
Periodic Table Dancers
52
No One Tell Kushner The New Netflix Password
52
The White House Loses Hope
51
Olympic Curling B Team
29
Oh and check out GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD – essentially it’s the existential adventures of Jon Arbuckle as he speaks his thoughts about his sad, meaningless existence into the void.
On a dare, I once put a whole birthday cake in a blender and made a smoothie out of it, candles and all. Drank every last bit of it. I got sick and threw up into the piñata. Boy, were those kids surprised when they beat that papier-mâché donkey and vomit came spewing out.
Needless to say, I was fired from that Chuck E. Cheese shortly thereafter.
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