Posts Tagged ‘Chapel Hill’

In The Bag

May 10, 2020

Some pals and I were discussing ESPN’s The Last Dance and I told them about this old commercial I remembered for the Food Lion chain of grocery stores featuring Michael Jordan. It aired back in the 1980s so I was willing to admit that I had recalled it incorrectly. However I found it online and, nope, I was right: Michael Jordan shoplifted.

Look carefully. He tosses the produce while still shopping but it doesn’t land in his bag until after he pays! Whoosh! “That’s a three-pointer!” Nope, that’s a misdemeanor! And I’m aware this was relatively early in his NBA career but you know he still could’ve afforded it. Oh sure, I hear you saying that he probably told the cashier to ring him up for the head of lettuce that was attempting re-entry because he’s just an upstanding guy and all but I think the far likelier scenario is: Whoosh! “Hey, uh, Michael, you wanna pay for that produce?” “I’m Michael Jordan! I know Dean Smith! Get the hell outta my face!” Yeah, that’s right! Own the crime, MJ! We got it on film! And it’s a crime only slightly less bold than your baseball career and – uh – damn, I can’t do this anymore.

I know he didn’t shoplift. I know he’s a great guy. It’s just that I went to UNC-Chapel Hill and I’m not saying that I was that anxious freshman standing outside Carmichael gym, holding out a notebook and hoping for an autograph as you breezed by after basketball practice with your teammates, probably on your way to Mr. Gatti’s or Four Corners or some place ultra-cool – I’m just saying that sometimes our idols hurt us and all the crying and tear-stained pillows won’t make up for the fact that I had your poster, Michael! That one where you had your hands all stretched out and it took up and entire wall of my dorm room! I loved you, man! Maybe it was a guy crush, maybe it was something a little more that scared me back then and I’m still a little reluctant to talk about now, but I loved you! You couldn’t return one phone call or letter or sign one Carolina jersey?

Dammit. Now I’m all worked up about it. Still. Not too late to make amends.

Call me, Michael. We can still be BFFs! It’s not too late!

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An Open Letter To That Woman In Chapel Hill

December 1, 2019

Hey, Luv, I appreciate that you live in Chapel Hill. I know it’s a bastion of unadulterated liberalness. That’s what I dig about the town. Hey, I went to school there. I know. I am one of you.

But, lady, seriously. It’s time to take the Kucinich 2008 bumper sticker off your Subaru. Just need to scrape it right off. Maybe use some WD-40.

Keeping it on this long doesn’t make you an idealist, trust me. It makes you kinda sad.

Cruller Fate

September 5, 2017

I was driving through Chapel Hill yesterday and I saw an older gentleman jogging. He appeared to be in his sixties and he was making his way slowly but steadily, huffing and puffing along a sidewalk. When I first saw him, I thought, “Good on you, mate! Way to keep it active in your senior years.” Then as I got nearer to the sexagenarian jogger I noticed the striking expression on his face – nothing but agony and misery. My kudos quickly turned to something along the lines of “poor bastard.” But I drove on and not ten seconds later passed a Dunkin Donuts where I spied a similarly aged man sitting outside the establishment eating a pastry. The look on his face? Pure joy. Unadulterated bliss.

So what did I learn from this unexpected but ever so appropriate juxtaposition? One man’s pain is another’s pleasure? Make the most of your retiring years? Enjoy every second? Good health is worth the effort? Nope, nothing so insightful. The lesson is simply this: Donuts is tasty and exercise sucks. But I think I knew that going into the experience, didn’t you?

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“I’ll have a dozen assorted to go, please.”

An Open Letter To That Woman In Chapel Hill

January 27, 2017

Hey, Luv. I appreciate that you live in Chapel Hill. I know it’s a bastion of unadulterated liberalness. That’s what I love about the town. Hey, I went to school there. I know. I am one of you. 

But, lady, seriously. It’s time to take the Kucinich 2008 bumper sticker off your Subaru. Just need to scrape it right off. Maybe use some WD-40. 

Keeping it on this long doesn’t make you an idealist, it just makes you pathetic.