Posts Tagged ‘Business’

People I Hate #6 (In A Series)

September 7, 2019

Who: Those guys who spin signs on the side of the road

Why I Hate: They act so bad-ass, like this amazing talent sprung unbidden from their motor reflexes during some moment of inner strength or self-actualization and now they feel the call to display their art, pure and instinctual, for all to see. They toss, they rotate, they spin – and they delude themselves into believing they aren’t just a hot dog costume away from handing out coupons at intersections.

How I justify it: Because hating telemarketers is so 1998.

If Life Gives You Lemons…

June 26, 2018

Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad Big Brother and its rush to squash the hopes of some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite.

Let’s face it – you want, you need, some suit in city hall to come down hard on these cherubs with citrus schemes and money-raisin’ dreams. Otherwise, it’s salmonella and contamination thanks to those innocent little dirty hands and irresponsible ethics. Think an 8-year-old cares about a sanitation grade? Think a third-grader gives a damn about the proper sugar to water to fruit ratio? Leaving liquid or foodstuff sittin’ out in the hot sun may make your urchin vendor seem cute and precocious but know those refreshments are a bullet in your digestive tract once the botulism and dysentery get to work!

Open your eyes, you gullible proles: Kids who sell lemonade are not adorable! They aren’t sweet roadside peddlers with a song in their hearts and a wish upon their lips! They are death merchants trading in potable risk! Is your life worth that brief moment of Norman Rockwell bliss? No. Hell no!

So the next time you read about some precious tyke whose lemonade stand got shut down by some civil servant, don’t sympathize with the little angel. Instead, cry, “Jail’s too good for the sprog!” and breathe easier knowing that your elected officials are doing the work of the just!


People I Hate #246 (In A Series)

November 21, 2015

Who: The business that locks one of a double door set.

Why: Someone gave the green light to putting a set of double doors at the entrance. And we all know how those work: you enter through the one on the right, exit through the one on the left. But every now and again, some dill hole gets the bright idea to lock one – usually the one on the left. So, you enter normally by pushing on the door and walking through but, on the way out, you push and – before you can even register the resistance – your forward momentum carries you straight on to SMACK INTO THE DAMN DOOR BECAUSE SOMEONE LOCKED IT! There’s no sign, no warning, no heads up, no earthly reason to believe the other door will not work exactly as the first one did and as it has been intended to work since the bloody architectural plans were drawn!

How I justify it: It’s not for safety. It’s not for crowd control. The only justifiable reason to lock one of those blasted doors is to make customers look like complete and utter idiots and whoever does that is a douchebag. And I hate them. Hate them so much.

People I Hate #1147 (In A Series)

December 31, 2014

Who: The business that keeps the open sign lit up even when closed.

Why: The idea is pretty simple. You start a business, you buy an open/close sign and you have it say “open” when you are open for business and ready to serve customers. The open sign is not intended to act as ellipses from your grand opening to the eventual going out of business sale. Yet every day I drive buy stores that have the open illuminated long after they’ve closed for the day. One place I frequent hasn’t turned it off since 2009 (I think the person who knew where the switch was got fired or something). This is confusing and irritating and should be some sort of zoning violation.

How I justify it: What’s the point of having an open sign if it always says OPEN?! Seriously. Don’t they teach anything in whatever University of Phoenix type business school you dropped out of?!