Posts Tagged ‘Birthday’

A Tough Act To Swallow

November 30, 2015

As I was leaving Rodney Parrish’s 11th birthday party, his mom held out a bowl full of candy. She said, “Take one” and I did, quickly popping the confection in my mouth. She stared at me like I was insane and I thought she was freaking out because I didn’t say “thank you” or something. So I smiled like I was grateful and swallowed the gobstopper. Only it wasn’t a gobstopper, it was one of the party favors she had been offering us kids. Stupid me. I had to be rushed to the emergency room because I had a bleedin’ Wham-O Super Ball stuck in my throat.

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I Scream

November 4, 2015

The guy behind the counter at the 31 flavors cut his hand while serving up the frozen treats for my 11th birthday party. We thought it was strawberry topping at first but we were quickly proven wrong. Sundae, bloody sundae. 

The Paper Chase

September 19, 2015

When I was young, my hometown was terrorized by a wild piñata. Every day, it would run into town and cause lots of property damage and kill livestock. Once it dragged a small child away in the night. Eventually we had to call in a group of kids celebrating a birthday. They tracked the piñata to its den, strung it up and beat it to death, spilling its candy guts onto the ground. They cheered and paraded its papier-mâché carcass around town.

Very messy and savage. Very Lord of the Flies.

Sock It To Me?

May 13, 2015

Socks are the only gift that a teenage boy should receive on his birthday. At least according to the presents my cheap-ass Uncle Gary gave me when I was an adolescent.

Thanks a lot, you old fool. Yeah, I got your thank you note right here.

So Long and Thanks For All The Fiction

March 11, 2015

Today is the birthday of the late Douglas Adams. Sadly, my grief is still tender as we lost him, far too soon, 14 years ago. Has it been that long? Tragically, it seems longer. Here’s a piece I penned shortly after I heard the news of his death. A little something to manage the grief and bid adieu to a friend I only wish I had.

I didn’t know him.

We weren’t friends. I never sent him a card for his birthday. We didn’t go to see movies together, grab dinner sometimes after work or play Scrabble to pass the time. I never called him up late at night to talk about “The West Wing” or forwarded a funny email that someone sent me. He couldn’t have picked me out of a lineup if his life had depended on it.

But I met him. Once. An encounter, more like. At the ICA, the Institute of Contemporary Arts in London.

He was there to promote his newest book. I was there to catch a glimpse of my idol. I skipped class and sat in the back, just thankful to be in the same room with the man. (more…)

Cake Mix Up

January 5, 2015

It’s a funny thing about hiring a woman to jump out of a birthday cake. You can’t just can’t walk up to any woman and ask her if she’ll do it. Especially at a PTA meeting. I tell you, the kids are gonna have to be home schooled if the brouhaha doesn’t die down soon.

Wishing Unwell

November 19, 2014

Whenever I blow out candles on a birthday cake, I usually wish for the power to smite my enemies.

It’s never been given to me. But I keep wishing nonetheless.

Because you never know.

Wishing Well

September 8, 2014

The best time of the birthday? The point is open for debate, surely, but I’d have to say it’s that time directly after you blow out your candles and think – just for one second – that maybe – somehow – your wish is gonna come true. But of course you open your eyes and Rachel Weisz is not standing in front of you wearing your panda tie (and nothing else). So, ultimately, like everything in life, that one moment of hope, optimism and bliss turns to complete crap.

But, hey, at least there’s cake.

Dope on a Rope

August 20, 2014

When I turned 13, my parents sent me to a ropes course for my birthday. I thought it was gonna be this big celebration with tug of war and jump rope and all but I ended up running around in the dirt and mud and climbing up and down and all over ropes like I was in Boot Camp. I guess the name – “ropes course” – should have tipped me off but I honestly thought it was going to be a great big friggin’ party like Chuck E. Cheese or something.

Party Animal

April 24, 2014

On a dare, I once put a whole birthday cake in a blender and made a smoothie out of it, candles and all. Drank every last bit of it. I got sick and threw up into the piñata. Boy, were those kids surprised when they beat that papier-mâché donkey and vomit came spewing out.

Needless to say, I was fired from that Chuck E. Cheese shortly thereafter.