Posts Tagged ‘Birthday Parties’

Inane Clown Posse

July 27, 2020

Did you ever have a clown for your birthday? I did once. The balloon animals were kind of fun and I did like the time he squirted seltzer down his pants. But the entire experience was way too frightening. Face it: Clowns are scary! Funny? Debatable. More like manic, painted, in-your-face freaks. Too much of the goofy slapstick and not enough urbane wit.

I tell you. That was the worst 23rd birthday party ever!!

Goodbye, Hello

June 15, 2020

You know what I really hate about birthday parties? It’s when people make fun of your theme choice.

Like that time when I said to heck with social mores and gender expectations, I’m gonna have me a Hello Kitty party! Then I got me a Keroppi carrot cake and handed out Spottie Dottie party favors and told everyone to dress up as their favorite character! Me, I was Badtz Maru, the penguin with an attitude, of course.

Looking back, I guess my big mistake was inviting all the folks at work, including the board of directors. Humorless bastards.

Youth In Revulsion

April 17, 2020

In high school, my friend Donny drank about six bottles of Seagram’s and took off all his clothes and ran downstairs to his little sister’s birthday party where he did something obscene to the piñata. His sister got therapy and he got sent to military school. The piñata didn’t even get a phone call the next day, proving that there is no justice in the world of papier-mâché.

pinata

They Say It’s Your Birthday

December 10, 2019

How pathetic is it to have the local bakery do up a birthday cake for yourself and then have it delivered “anonymously” to you at your office while you’re at lunch? I mean, you know full well that your co-workers will see it and throw an impromptu party for you when you get back. And you can, of course, feign ignorance. “How did you ever find out?” “Oh, I didn’t want a fuss!” The best thing is, since it’s all last minute, they won’t even have time to get you a card so they’ll have a quick whip ‘round and put some cash in an envelope. Sweet! But, um, like I said – just how pathetic is that?

Well. How pathetic is it when you do this but it’s not really your birthday – you just need some spare cash? Um … I’m asking hypothetically, of course. For a friend.

The World’s Tiniest Voilà!

February 8, 2019

I think the most pathetic occupation ever must be the birthday party magician. Birthday party clowns I can understand; those suckers are already warped. But the magicians? Sad, oh so sad. Here you are, a craftsman, an artiste, finely honing your talent to the point your illusory skill can make people suspend their disbelief and “oooh” and “aaaah” over your marvelous feats. But due to the fact that you can’t get a good agent or you live in Hoboken, NJ or you just aren’t up to the standards of David Copperfield, you have to knock ‘em dead at 7-year-old Caitlin’s Chuck E. Cheese gala.

“This next trick was first conjured by the Augustinian Monks in the 6th century A.D. and has mystified the crowned heads of Europe –” “Make a balloon animal!” “What?” “Make a balloon doggie!” “Oy, my life sucks.”

balloondoggie

Tales From My Screwed-Up Childhood #16

May 18, 2018

What’s worse than having your parents force you to go to a birthday party you don’t want to attend? Having someone else’s parents force you to go to a birthday party you don’t want to attend.

In middle school, my best friend’s little brother was having a birthday party. I got a perfunctory invite but didn’t plan on attending due to A) the somewhat annoying nature of the birthday boy, B) the fact that I wasn’t friends with the kid, and C) the realization that I’d rather spork my own eyes out than spend five minutes with the corduroy pillow-humping creep (sadly, a description I did not just make up). Unfortunately, my best friend’s mom, under the mistaken impression that my friendship with her elder son had stifled her youngest’s ability to maintain friends of his own (see C above and you’ll know why that wasn’t true), told me that I could not have my best friend at my upcoming birthday bash unless I attended the party of his younger brother.

Luckily, my best friend got sick the day of the party and his mother consented to allow me to leave the gathering early in order to keep him company. Sigh. Heart of a saint she had. (She kept it in an urn on the mantel.)

Crying Uncle

November 4, 2017

My 13th birthday fete at Pizza Inn and my Uncle Aidan, one of the few adult chaperones, decides it’s a good idea to entertain the Tweeners with a rousing chorus of Danny Boy. My first boy/girl party and the drunken lout’s ridiculous actions forevermore labeled me as an outcast at West Millbrook Junior High. Although, to be fair, the headgear, rock tumbler obsession, Thundercats bookbag and chess club membership pretty much had that covered already.

The World’s Tiniest Voilà!

January 25, 2015

I think the most pathetic occupation ever must be the birthday party magician. Birthday party clowns I can understand; those suckers are already warped. But the magicians? Sad, oh so sad. Here you are, a craftsman, an artiste, finely honing your talent to the point your illusory skill can make people suspend their disbelief and “oooh” and “aaaah” over your marvelous feats. But due to the fact that you can’t get a good agent or you live in Hoboken, NJ or you just aren’t up to the standards of David Copperfield, you have to knock ‘em dead at 7-year-old Caitlin’s Chuck E. Cheese gala.

“This next trick was first conjured by the Augustinian Monks in the 6th century A.D. and has mystified the crowned heads of Europe –” “Make a balloon animal!” “What?” “Make a balloon doggie!” “Oy, my life sucks.”