Posts Tagged ‘Birthday Cake’

Dad Man Balking

April 16, 2018

My old man absolutely hated birthdays and refused to celebrate his under any circumstances. Once I made the mistake of baking him a birthday cake and presenting it to him after dinner. He wasn’t the least bit thankful or happy. In fact, he threw the cake against the wall and locked me in an old freezer we had out in the garage for two days.

To this day, I can’t eat angel food without balling up into the fetal position and crying.



A Piece of the Action

December 9, 2017

At the office, whenever there’s a birthday card to be signed for a co-worker, I always write the same thing: I know it’s you who’s been stealing stuff from the supply cabinet but I won’t tell anyone if you give me the biggest slice of cake. Surprisingly, I’m right most of the time. And I really get some amazing slices of cake out of it.


Party Animal

September 16, 2017

On a dare, I once put a whole birthday cake in a blender and made a smoothie out of it, candles and all. Drank every last bit of it. I got sick and threw up into the piñata. Boy, were those kids surprised when they beat that papier-mâché donkey and vomit came spewing out.

Needless to say, I was fired from that Chuck E. Cheese shortly thereafter.

Celebrate Good Times, C’mon!

May 13, 2017

Time was, a good birthday would set you back five, six thousand dollars.

Yep, folks used to have to take out a second mortgage just to celebrate their date of birth. Thankfully, now-a-days, you can have yourself a nice old birthday blowout for around eight bucks. Balloons, cake, ice cream, party favors, the works, all for less than a meal at the Sizzler.

And to think: we owe it all to the humble transistor!

Roamin’ Numerals

November 22, 2016

Sometimes, I like to go to the all-night Harris Teeter and pick up some of those candy numbers for kids’ birthday cakes.  I then go home and make out mathematical problems with them, like 45 x 3 = ?, usually breaking up the ones to form the times and equals signs.  If I can solve a problem within a preset time limit, say, ten seconds, I get to eat the entire problem, all the numbers and everything.

I stop when my teeth begin to hurt, I get a sour belly or I pass out from the sugar rush.

Just Desserts

November 17, 2015

You can sometimes return a gift that you don’t like. But you really can’t return a half-eaten ice cream cake. The guys at Carvel look at you funny like you’ve just stepped off the surface of Neptune or grown another forehead. And then Cookiepuss ends up getting shoved somewhere uncomfortable and the police get involved and then there’s handcuffing and a struggle and the inevitable perp walk on the local news, then YouTube, then CNN. It’ll all end in tears. TEARS, I tell ya!!! Sigh. Oh what the heck. Okay, Moira, I’ll eat the rest of the damn cake. I don’t want a bloody scene.

High Schticking

September 1, 2015

On my 11th birthday, I got this cake with a hockey player on it. Since I didn’t play hockey and never had even the remotest passing interest in the damn sport, I couldn’t figure out why I had this cake. I mean, dinosaur models and comic books and chess and drawing, these were my life at 11. Hockey?! As if!

The adults all mumbled something about having goals and grabbing life by the stick, but I always had the feeling that they just forgot to get a cake for me and had to make do with whatever they could find at the Winn-Dixie at the last minute.

Icing On The …

December 8, 2014

I was supposed to pick up a sheetcake for a co-worker’s birthday once but I waited ’til the last minute and had to decorate it myself. Since I didn’t have any icing or candy decorations, I spelled out “Happy Birthday, Chuck” in silly string. It looked like icing and I didn’t say anything when people ate it.

To my knowledge, no one became violently ill.