Posts Tagged ‘Bachelor Party’

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 19, 2019

 

Five Bachelor Party Faux Pas

Playing D&D

Getting married to a Keno girl

Drawing genitals on the face of the passed out best man in permanent marker

Bringing, drinking or even mentioning Zima

Burying the hooker you killed out in the desert in a shallow grave that’s sure to be easily discovered

 

Five Bad Make Out Songs

Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid

Me So Horny – 2 Live Crew

The Curly Shuffle – Jump ‘N the Saddle

Pretty much anything by the Dead Kennedys

Luka – Suzanne Vega

 

Five Signs Your Breakfast Cereal Is Possessed

The instant it’s poured, the milk turns to blood

The ghost on the Boo Berry box is real

Your Alpha-Bits spell out “Prince of Darkness” and “666”

Cap’n Crunch’s head rotates 360 degrees

The perfunctory Snap, Crackle, Pop is followed by a statement of what your mother sucks in hell

 

Five Autocorrects for Dirty Words

Fugue

Peso

Astrolabe

Blue Jar

Cute Lincoln

 

Five Nick Fury Complaints

Lack of depth perception

Life model decoys make my ass look fat

SHIELD helicarrier runs on used cooking oil so clothes always smell like french fries

Howling Commandos won’t accept Facebook friend requests

As cool as Samuel L. Jackson makes me look, I can never live down the fact I was once played by David Hasselhoff

 

Bake Off

August 11, 2014
A while back, I got put in charge of my brother-in-law’s bachelor party. I wanted to have this woman jump out of a cake but things didn’t go too well. The cake itself was fine … about fifty pounds of flour, a gross of eggs, enough icing to choke an anaconda – and I had to use one of those industrial-strength ovens, the kiln type they fire up huge ceramics in. The time and labor were incredible. Then, at the party, I wheel out the cake and – nothing. The lady didn’t jump out. Later, the ME said something about asphyxiation and being baked alive but all I know is everyone was pretty darn upset about the whole mishigas. And I never got asked to plan a bachelor party again.