Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

What A Pool Believes

January 13, 2017

Here’s the official “for your consideration” video for the movie Deadpool.

Personally, I would have thought a 29 year old Clint Eastwood movie would be ineligible for the Oscar but, hey, anything’s possible…

Can’t Weather All Get Along?

January 10, 2017

Due to the weather, I’ve heard the media use the term “black ice” more times than I care to count in the last 48 hours. As such, I can never hear it without recalling this Key & Peele sketch…

The Clause That Represses

December 23, 2016

Okay, let me get this straight…

“You better watch out…” Ooh, sounds ominous. Nothing good can be on the horizon with a warning as dire as this.

“You better not cry…” Morality seems an absolute here. Very puritan. Very Amish.

“You better not shout, I’m telling you why…” Forget reasonable discourse. This is a dictate derived from a simple purpose: to bend others to one’s own will. My way or the highway. A parental “Because I said so!”

“Santa Claus is coming to town.” A notice of this calibre can mean one of two things: the subject is either a great egomaniac or a criminal who’s been forced to alert the populace when he’s entering a neighborhood.

“He knows if you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” So he’s spying on you, is he? Perhaps he’s outside right now, watching you. Sounds like a stalker to me.

“He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake…” And he’s apparently heavily judgmental too. Good, bad, what kind of labels are these? Is this based on ethical relativism or mere casuistry? And I think I detect a slight element of fear and inducement there as well.

Sigh.

Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas. Not a very good role model, is he?

Basically, we’re talking about an obese elderly man who invites young children to sit on his lap and tell him what they want. He dresses flamboyantly and lives alone with a large collection of freaks and bizarre zoo rejects in what can best be described as an isolated compound. His whereabouts and activities are largely secret. He claims to have superhuman abilities. His PR is delivered in such a way as to suggest a Nazi-like propaganda machine.

And yet, he is beloved. He is anxiously awaited. He is considered to be the Spirit of Christmas.

Are we one ridiculously screwed up and loony nation or what?

Celebrity Dissonance

December 19, 2016

I was perusing imdb.com for a side project and noticed that if you click on a date you can see all the folks in the Internet Movie Database born on that particular date. Neat enough but more interesting to note is that the names are all ranked according to some sort of popularity matrix called STARmeter. Now, I’ve no idea what the criteria STARmeter uses but I assume it’s along the lines of name recognition, star power, credits, etc. Most of the time, the rankings seem obvious. (For example, were they born on the same day, Bill Murray would be ranked higher than Bill Maher and both would be ranked higher than veteran actor Bill Macy.)

Sometimes, however, the rankings are more inscrutable.

Take the stars born on December 24, for instance. I won’t really get into the subjective nature of fame but I would point out that Ryan Seacrest is ranked at #22. Is that the correct ranking for someone of his stature? Probably not. He was the host of that television blockbuster American Idol for years. He’s executive producer of lots of shows, including the mega-hit Keeping Up With The Kardashians. He’s even conquered radio with a syndicated show and American Top 40 hosting duties. Given all of that, I’d day he’s pretty famous. Personally, if he dropped off the face of the planet tomorrow, I wouldn’t miss him but I acknowledge that he’s a major star and probably a household name. Regardless, STARmeter ranked him  at #22 for those born on December 24.

The major problem with that ranking? The dog from Frasier was ranked #21. Yep, Moose – the dog that played Eddie on the Cheers spin-off – is one notch higher on the STARmetter, one rung up and over Ryan Seacrest.

moose

What the hell, imdb?!?! Not only does Moose have only four credits to his name (Frasier, My Dog Skip and guest roles on two TV shows) but the canine hasn’t worked in ten years because he died in 2006! 

Yes, Ryan Seacrest is ranked lower than a dog that’s “been living on a farm upstate” since before there was Twitter.

What does all this mean? For you and me: nothing (unless you get off on schadenfreude). But for Ryan Seacrest – wow, that’s gotta be a pretty low blow. I mean, armed with this ego-crushing data, I think it’s amazing he can muster the willpower to get out of bed in the morning. Yet assuming he does, there are three ways he can deal with it…

1) Laugh it off and chalk it up to the vagaries of fate.

2) Raise his profile in hopes of increasing his ranking.

3) Punch his agent and/or publicist right square in the face.

Me, I know which one I’d choose.

Big Mad On Krampus

December 16, 2016

This is the Krampus. It’s a real thing – in the sense that Bavarian youngsters believe it as much as American kids believe in Santa.

I think it is so unbelievably awesome that kids in Austria grow up believing this crap. And I think the problem with kids in the United States is that they don’t.

What Can Brown Do For You?

December 12, 2016

When I was younger, I had a lyrical misconception. You know that song, Winter Wonderland? (Of course you do; what are you – from Jupiter?) Well, there’s a line that goes “In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is Parson Brown. He’ll say, ‘Are you married?’, We’ll say, ‘No, man, but you can do the job when you’re in town.’” Obviously, Parson Brown is an authority figure of some sort, most likely a religious personage with the power to bind people together in matrimony. Well, I, naive huckleberry that I am, was under the mistaken impression that “Parson Brown” wasn’t a person but a color, not unlike Lemon Yellow, Midnight Blue, Carnation Pink, or Forest Green, although, admittedly, I could not recall the shade from a Crayola box. This misunderstanding brought about one weighty question: Why would anyone want a brown snowman? I mean, isn’t this perilously close to that old axiom don’t eat the yellow snow? And why would anyone want a brown snowman to marry them? And, if he’s there, right there, I mean, talking to them, why do they have to wait for him to be “in town” to do the job? Does he book in advance? How heavy a schedule can a Parson Brown snowman have?

Granted, these questions all faded away into mootabilty when the actual lyrics were revealed to me. And these days – hey, I’ve got better things to do with my time. (Not really, but I think I should pretend I have.)

Dear Santa …

December 10, 2016

Dear [insert child’s name here]:

Thank you for you recent correspondence. Unfortunately, Santa cannot answer all of the millions and billions of letters he receives each year as he is busy in his workshop getting ready for Christmas. We hope that the following will answer any and all questions you might have about Mr. Claus.

(And please visit us online at www.2claus2call.com to order from our vast merchandise catalogue.)

SANTA FAQ:

*Who Is Santa Claus?*
Santa is a jolly fat man who delivers presents to all the good little boys and girls around the world. He is the living embodiment of the Yuletide season, the spirit of Christmas given human form.

*Does he have any other names?*
Santa is known by many names throughout the globe, including Criscringle, Father Christmas, Father Frost, Joulupukki, Kris Kringle, PPre Noël, Sabdiklos, Saint Nicolas, Sancte Claus, Sinter Klaas and Weinachtsmann. His gmail screen name is YuleLog. His CB handle is Chubby Hubby.

*Does he live at the North Pole?*
Of course not. The North Pole is really the end of the earth’s geographic axis, located at 90 North latitude, the northernmost point from which all meridians of longitude start. It lies in the Arctic Ocean and is covered with drifting pack ice, making settlement by Santa or anyone else highly unlikely. (This is not to be confused with the magnetic North Pole, which in 1993 lay at about 78 27’N, 104 24’W, or with the geomagnetic North Pole, which is at about 79 13’N, 71 16’W. Huge killer frost bees live at these locations, making human occupation difficult.)

*Do elves make Santa’s toys?*
Santa no longer uses elves as his primary labor, due to the Pixie/Sprite/Elf/Brownie Emancipation Act of 1973 (UN General Statute 87292). Most of Santa’s labor is now farmed out to third world countries and unregistered sweatshops.

*What does Santa do when it’s not Christmas?*
Primarily, he binge watches Netflix (Bloodline and Lady Dynamite are personal faves). However, Santa has been known to dabble in origami, Suidoku and cross-stitch. He also hosts a Game Of Thrones podcast and writes Pretty Little Liars fan fiction.
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FIVE RANDOM FIVE (1980s version)

December 3, 2016

I discovered this old FIVE RANDOM FIVE back from the days of my old LISTSERV column, Sparky Mac’s Super Crucial Totally Boss Deadly Fresh Fun Happen’en! Not sure if it’s still as relevant as it was in 1986, but it wastes time – so enjoy!

 

Five Trends That Need To Go Away Soon

Car phones

Yuppies

The Mullet

Valley Girl Speech

Reaganomics

 

Five Lessons Learned From Hands Across America

The common cold is a communicable disease

Bodacious babes like to save the world

Some people have reeeaaally sweaty palms

R2D2 has hands?!

“Across” is a very vague term

 

Five Reasons I Hate The Rubik’s Cube

Can’t get it to work without taking it apart

Squares be buggin’

Girlfriend left me for some bohunk who solved it in 60 seconds

The colors make me gag

Rubik is like a total hoser

 

Five Women I’d Marry Immediately If They Asked

Rebecca DeMornay

Stacey Q

That Cutie from the Starship Video “Sara”

Rae Dawn Chong

Tie: The Go Gos / The Bangles

 

Five Things You’ll Never Hear During a Game of Gauntlet

“It’s morning in America.”

“Why is there a watermelon there?” “I’ll tell you later.”

“Valkyrie, your lifeforce is bitchin’!”

“Avoid the Noid.”

“I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble, I just came here to do The Super Bowl Shuffle!”

 

Sparky MacMillan can’t fight this feeling anymore.

In the Cards

November 27, 2016

 

Moira’s parents gave me a birthday card that read:

 

“Happy Birthday, Son-In-Law!

We’re so glad you met our little girl

And happy for all the things you’ve brought her.

But please understand one thing, Son-In-Law,

We’ll NEVER forgive you for nailing our daughter.”

 

I guess you can say Thanksgiving was kinda awkward around here.

 

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Thanksgiving Edition)

November 24, 2016

Five Regrettable Macy’s Parade Balloons

Hitler’s Moustache – 1937

Rob Lowe Dancing with Snow White – 1989

Occupy Wall Street – 2012

Nixon with a metal detector – 1973

Brian Dunkelman – 2002

 

Five Little Known Thanksgiving Traditions

Gravy dancing

Tryptophantasy football

Turducken chuckin’

Stuffing the second cousin

The pardoning of the yams

 

Five Pilgrim Complaints

That boat was really cramped.

The New World smells like ass.

Those #@&% posers in Jamestown.

Buckle hats are soooo 1618!

Squanto and Myles Standish should just get a room, already!

 

Five Pie Injuries

Hot cobbler blisters

Crust in the eye

Sprained meringue

A la mode on the knee

Carpal tunnel rhubarb

 

Five Broadway Musicals for Turkeys

The Best Little Henhouse In Texas

A Chorus Brine

Joseph and the Technicolor Butterball

Kinky Snoods

Giblets Over Broadway