Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Game Of Thrones Edition)

August 7, 2017

 

Five Lesser Daenerys Targaryen Titles

The Bellicose Blonde

She Who Must Be Obeyed

Westeros’ Top Model

Queen of All Double Dragon Players

Terminator Genisys Apologist

 

Five George R. R. Martin Excuses For Not Writing

Windows 10 keeps crashing

Writer’s block … or brain freeze … er, which one do you get from eating ice cream?

Even I can’t keep all these meshuga characters straight

Trying to research the sex scenes but no one will have sex with me

I just love to make slobbering fanboys wait

 

Five Things Jon Snow Will Never Say

Enough fighting – let’s mamba!

I’m all out of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific!

That wall looks a little high … and I’ve got a touch of vertigo.

Kiss me, Littlefinger.

Holy crap – I really do know nothing!

 

Five Game of Thrones Breakfast Cereals

Wester-Os

Hodor Puffs

Unsullied Oats

Raven Bran

The Cereal Has No Name

 

Five Things A Dumb Guy Watching GoT Says 

I’m not sure them dragons is real.

If it’s winter why don’t they just put on a sweater?

If my sister looked like Cersei, I’d do her too.

Where the hell’s Gandalf?

I wish “Ballers” was on.

 

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If Wishes Were Hippies

August 4, 2017

There was a time when everything was groovy and people thought it was a nifty idea to encourage kids to grow up to be redwood trees. Many people were high and most of them were full of themselves and lava lamps and love beads and waterbeds were used without irony in this magical time. This was the 1970s, an era that gave us the SuperFriends and H. R. Pufnstuf and Hong Kong Phooey and stream of consciousness fare like this – Make A Wish. Seriously, this was a show. For children. And it was wonderful!

Give Them A Foot …

July 24, 2017

There’s a sign up at my apartment complex’s mailboxes that read as follows:

YARD SALE

INSIDE APT. #113

JULY 29, 8am to noon

Forgive my penchant for accuracy but if it’s going to be held inside your apartment then it’s NOT A YARD SALE!! A yard sale must, ipso facto, be OUTSIDE. I’ll even allow that you technically don’t have to have it in a yard, but it damn well better be outside! 

If you’re having a yard sale inside your home then you’re basically just one step away from having a break in.

TEN RANDOM THINGS THAT HAVE KEPT ME AWAKE AT NIGHT

July 21, 2017

Chris Gaines? What the hell was that all about, Garth?

Bidet comes from the French word for small horse.

Where’s my rock tumbler?!

When will they release The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer on DVD?

Mylar balloons!!!!

Chuck E. Cheese‘s mascot is a freakin’ rat?! Why hasn’t the health department closed them down already?

When I was 13, I saved up my allowance until I had enough to purchase a year’s subscription to Tiger Beat. I only got 11 issues. Damn them.

Who would win in a fight: Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?

“I will have two fillings!”

Who exactly left the cake out in the rain? Richard Harris said “someone” but I think the drunken sod knew who it was and was just covering for them.

Give Peas A Chance

July 17, 2017

At dinner, my son, Jake, who unlike most kids his age absolutely loves his veggies, finished all his green peas. Meanwhile, his sister, Maxine, who doesn’t throw off the finicky kid curve, hadn’t touched hers. So Jake tried to sneak a few peas off his sister’s plate but Maxine would have none of it, despite the fact he was only after the stuff she didn’t want. His mom and I chastised him for bothering his sister and told him to stay on his own plate. Jake then shouted, “But I want HER peas!” To which my wife fired back, “Well, date a few sorority chicks when you get to college.”

Man, I love that woman.

If Life Gives You Lemons…

July 14, 2017

It’s happened again.

lemonade_stand

Every summer there’s at least one story about some kid somewhere in these United States of America who sets up a lemonade stand and runs afoul of “the man.” You know, some bureaucrat who wants to rain on some poor snowflake’s free trade parade by citing laws and ordinances and zoning and sanitation and crap. Bad, bad Big Brother and its rush to squash the hopes of some moppet with grand plans and a pitcher of sour, lemony goodness in a front yard or at the end of a cul-de-sac. Let wee Susie sell her delicious refreshment, the public cries! Leave little Larry alone and allow him to learn the free enterprise system in a wholesome and innocent way!

Of course it’s all utter shite. (more…)

Din Mother

July 10, 2017

webelo

One time, in fifth grade, I was having a cub scout meeting at my place and this neighbor came over – I think his name was Mr. Hopnagle – and he complained about all the noise we kids were making. (We lived in a crappy apartment with paper-thin walls, a far cry from the crappy apartment with cardboard-thin walls I live in today.) My mom, whom I suspect had been putting up with a pack of screaming Webelos only by way of a bottle of Jim Beam she kept hidden in the toilet tank, tried to dissuade the neighbor from contacting the landlord and having us evicted. Eventually, they both went into the bedroom and put on the soundtrack to Urban Cowboy real loud. After about ten minutes, Mr. Hopnagle came out to the living room and got a couple of Pasbt out of the fridge and some nylon cords we were using to practice knot tying and he went back inside the bedroom. About five minutes later I heard my mom scream Tom Selleck’s name. Then Mr. Hopnagle left and my mom came out and told all the kids to go home even though we hadn’t worked out all the plans for the upcoming pinewood derby. We got evicted two weeks later, however, not because Hopnagle complained but because my dad was found passed out drunk and naked in the laundry room.

Radio Nowhere

July 7, 2017

And while we’re at it, can we put a ban on the phrase “long time listener – first time caller?” We get it: You like the radio show. Why not prove it by calling in and contributing with a pertinent, insightful question or salient point of observation? No need to waste precious airtime sounding like a complete tool with a suck-up phrase that’s so clichè Marconi probably rolls over in his grave every time it’s uttered.

Sick Leave

June 30, 2017

In my fourth grade class, this kid everyone hated got sick. It was like mono or something. And he had to stay home for several months. We were all glad because, as I said, we didn’t like him. He was a bit of a bully and would often act out during story time or recess and we’d all get yelled at and have to lay our heads on our desks and have a time out. Thing was, the teacher made us all make Get Well cards. I made mine a word search with phrases like “you stink” and “I hate you” and “die” hidden in among “feel better” and “eat soup” and the like. He never came back to school although his mom did send a note saying thank you to most of the class for their nice words. I used to think I was responsible for his not returning but I later found out he had simply missed too much class and had to repeat the grade. Still, I took credit for it and was the hero of J. Y. Joyner Elementary for the rest of the school year!

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

June 26, 2017

 

Five Radio-Themed Songs

The Nightfly – Donald Fagen

Pilot Of The Airwaves – Charlie Dore

WOLD – Harry Chapin

Mohammed’s Radio – Warren Zevon 

Radio RadioElvis Costello

 

Five Things I Hope Scientists Never Find Give You Cancer

Chocolate

Sex

Comic Books

British comedies

Feeling superior to idiots

 

Five Reasons to Dislike College

Campus dining

The fraternities

Tenured professors who should have retired years ago

High cost of textbooks

Your roommates

 

Five Pepperidge Farm Cookies That Could Be Stripper Names

Bordeaux

Geneva

Verona

Pirouette

Montieri

 

Five Historical Smells

Black Death Plague Pyres, 1349

Genghis Khan’s beard, 1223

Mustard gas, WWI

Cardamom, Spice Routes, 40BC

Tyrannosaurus Fart, Cretaceous Period