Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

American Piety

June 10, 2017

Face it, all you low rent prayer monkeys. If your church is in a strip mall or industrial park, then you’re just a hop skip and a jump away from sacrificing livestock or handling snakes.

Sorry. Someone had to say it.

A New Lease On Lie

June 6, 2017

I needed to rent a car a while back and I called around and, hey, interesting thing here – Enterprise would not pick me up.  Their commercials say they do but from my experience … eh, not so much.  Not saying that Enterprise is a lying sack, I’m just suggesting that maybe that slogan – “We’ll pick you up” – might want some amending to something a little more along the lines of accurate like: “We’ll pick you up … sometimes.” or “We’ll pick you up if we’re in the neighborhood, bra.” or “We’ll pick you up if the mood hits us so stop griping about it and just get off our #$%ing backs!”  Just saying.

Iced Justice

June 3, 2017

Sometimes I like to cover a brick with cake frosting and leave it in a Tupperware container in the communal fridge at work. I always put a big note on it saying it belongs to a fake name, like Brad Millinbobble or something, nobody who really works there. Still, I know human nature being what it is people will try to cut a slice for themselves. Heh heh heh. 

I usually spot about three or four bent knives in the trash by the end of the day.

OLD NAVY

May 26, 2017

I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I watch a lot of cartoons (I do, but I don’t wanna give anyone that impression) but I happened to catch an old Popeye cartoon the other night and I gotta say I was impressed.   

It was one of the real old ones, the ones where Popeye mumbled a lot (not to suggest the sailor man’s speech was ever worthy of Henry Higgins’ approval but you know what I mean) and Popeye had found this stray dog, a froufrou little Pekingese or Pomeranian or something. Well, Bluto comes along with his dog, a big ol’ bulldog (because apparently Rottweilers and Dobermans weren’t the tough guy dog o’ choice back when the cartoon was made) and starts to bully Popeye. Likewise Bluto’s dog starts to bully the stray that Popeye has found. 

And when I say “bully,” I mean beat the “ever-loving, living crap out of.” It was freaking amazing! Bluto was punching and slamming and kicking and throwing down like a bloody fast-forwarded episode of Dragonball Z! Damn, it was beautiful! Wam! Bam! Smackdown on your backside, naval boy! 

And don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating violence nor am I thrilled at the horrendous trouncing Bluto was raining down on our hero. I was just shocked, astounded and generally nonplussed by the extreme sheer physicality of the display. I mean, hey, they talk about how much violence kids today are exposed to but this was, like, 1938 or something and Bluto’s just going to town on a dude half his size. Of course, later on, Popeye eats some spinach (as does the little frilly dog) and returns just as good as he got but that’s beside the point.   

Man, those cats were getting medieval on each other asses! That was some mind-altering assault and battery! 

Damn, I love cartoons!

Pig Out

May 23, 2017

I read somewhere that when CBS cancelled Green Acres, the cast and crew killed and ate the pig that played Arnold Ziffel. The same source I got this information from admitted that it was probably erroneous but I just can’t get that blasted image out of my head. Poor, little Arnold, apple in his mouth, being roasted on a spit over an open fire. Mr. Haney, Eb, Mr. Kimball, Alf and Ralph hoisting back a few cold ones while they wait for their co-star’s flesh to cook. All the while, Eddie Albert banging his chest and exclaiming, “Fresh air!”

Man. Some things are just wrong.

People I Hate #134 (In A Series)

May 19, 2017

Who: The guy who called me “Boss Man” at the convenience store.

Why: He didn’t know me. He didn’t even work there. He was just some schlub who couldn’t be bothered to walk around me but saw fit to brush right past me like I was in his way and make it good with a noncommittal, “’Scuse me, Boss Man.”

How I justify it: I don’t even know what the hell that means?! It’s not like there’s anything about me that suggests I’m in charge of anything or screams, “Hey, plebes, I am the one percent! Bow down!” So when this jerk breezed by and drawled “’Scuse me, Boss Man” in such a dismissive way I just had a visceral reaction.  I literally saw red and wanted to lodge the nearest can of Quaker State into the least convenient orifice on this redneck doofus.

Not proud of it but there it is.

Face Time

May 15, 2017

I’m a big fan of Adult Swim’s Rick And Morty series. Not only is it a hilarious send-up of sci fi with a hefty dose of family dysfunction thrown in but the self-aware, clever humor consistently amazes me. We don’t have the full season three quite yet but neat, little gems like this Alien: Covenant promo will tide us over.

Celebrate Good Times, C’mon!

May 13, 2017

Time was, a good birthday would set you back five, six thousand dollars.

Yep, folks used to have to take out a second mortgage just to celebrate their date of birth. Thankfully, now-a-days, you can have yourself a nice old birthday blowout for around eight bucks. Balloons, cake, ice cream, party favors, the works, all for less than a meal at the Sizzler.

And to think: we owe it all to the humble transistor!

Simonize

May 9, 2017

Simple Simon met a pieman

Going to the fair;

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“Let me taste your ware.”

Says the pieman to Simple Simon,

“Show me first your penny.”

Says Simple Simon to the pieman,

“Indeed I have not any.”

Is it just me or does this sound like an incident that would end up on an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit?

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

May 6, 2017

Five Narwhal Complaints

Arctic waters are too damn cold

Tusking makes me feel awkward

Belugas be trippin’, yo!

Those Deadliest Catch goobers pee overboard

Me so horny

 

Five Odd Things I’ve Found In Cracker Jack Box

A hard-boiled egg

Supreme Court finger puppets

Nothin’ but Styrofoam peanuts

Flotsam

An even smaller box of Cracker Jack

 

Five Dates That Won’t Live In Infamy

Day The Man From Atlantis was cancelled

Day Pia Zadora was born

Attack on Paul Harvey

Any day The Family Circus sees print

Free Slurpee Day

 

Five More Ways to Leave Your Lover

Get down on your knees and beg, Greg

Key her car and get even, Steven

Suck down about 80 beers, Piers

Seek out the services of a madam, Adam

Dress up a mannequin to take her place, Chase

 

Five Reasons I Have A Man-Crush on Mandy Patinkin

He sings like a nightingale

He got Kelsey Grammer his gig on Cheers

He’ll leave a successful series if he feels like it

He played the villain in Elmo In Grouchland

He was Inigo freakin’ Montoya!