Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

ONE … TWO … CHA CHA CHA

February 10, 2017

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

As a matter of fact, Uncle Stanley did just that at a family reunion once. 

He wasn’t well. 

And he’s been locked up for a long time now.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Superhero Edition)

February 7, 2017

Five Batman Mistakes

Not getting over the death of his parents

Underestimating Bane

Not adopting Dick Grayson

Nipples on the Clooney Batsuit

Everything Adam West

 

Five Really Lame But Kinda Useful Superpowers

Ability to keep Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia from melting (once it’s been scooped into a bowl only)

Power to keep dogs from defecating on your lawn by emitting powerful pheromone that alerts canines to your dominance

Can tell the age of a wine by listening to it being poured

Cablekinesis (can turn Time-Warner DVR on & off from across the room without a remote)

Talent to detect what a person ate by sniffing their passed gas

 

Five Rejected Avengers

Iron Manwich

Captain America Ferrara

Hawkeye Pierce, MD

The Black Window

Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELDS & YARNELL

 

Five Comic Book Sound Effects I Recently Read

ZZZZXXXXXXTT

KSHHHRHH

POKA-POKA-POKA-POKA!

PAFT

FABOOM

 

Five Spider-Man Complaints

Web shooters run out of fluid at inconvenient times

People think spiders are insects

Reporters forget to hyphenate name

Sweaty mask = oily T-Zone

Mary Jane rarely lets him “hit the jackpot” anymore

A Cock And Bull Story

February 3, 2017

When I was really, really young, like around 3 or 4 years old, I wanted to be a rooster. People would say, “What do you want be when you grow up?” And I’d say, “A rooster! Cock-a-doodle-do!” Some might think that this was all some great big Freudian mess, but it really was nothing more than I liked the sign at the old Colonial Grocery Store near our house. The mascot was a stylized rooster and it was all brightly lit up at night atop the store’s façade. No great mystery. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop Matt Feldspar from using it as the basis for an embarrassing verbal assault all throughout high school when, thinking it might be an endearing personal tidbit, I mistakenly revealed it during a “get to know me” exercise in Sophomore World Civ. It’s not that I’d led a sheltered life, but I’ll be damned if I knew there were that many slang terms for the male anatomy and that each one could be so effectively woven into an eager bully’s repertoire.

cs-logo

Young Sparky’s Future Shame

An Open Letter To That Woman In Chapel Hill

January 27, 2017

Hey, Luv. I appreciate that you live in Chapel Hill. I know it’s a bastion of unadulterated liberalness. That’s what I love about the town. Hey, I went to school there. I know. I am one of you. 

But, lady, seriously. It’s time to take the Kucinich 2008 bumper sticker off your Subaru. Just need to scrape it right off. Maybe use some WD-40. 

Keeping it on this long doesn’t make you an idealist, it just makes you pathetic.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

January 24, 2017

Five Days The Music Died

Buddy Holly’s plane crash (1959)

John Lennon’s assassination (1980)

KISS goes make-up free (1983)

The “Soy Bomb” incident (1998)

The release of Kevin Federline’s album (2008)

 

Five Nursery Rhyme Characters That Are Dicks

Old King Cole

Wee Willie Winkie

Georgie Porgie

Little Jack Horner

Cock Robin

 

Five Reasons To Watch “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

Lost a bet

Easily swayed by pop culture icons

Remote went missing – can’t change channel

Your family looks like saints compared to these vain, talentless famewhores

Haven’t been the same since that mule kicked you in the head

 

Five Puzzling & Regrettable Cracker Jack Prizes

An opened ketchup packet

Gangrene

Sawdust

A crude drawing of Seth Meyers

A smaller, tinier box of Cracker Jacks

 

Five Signs You’ll Never Be Nominated For An Academy Award

Your movie was shot on your phone in your parent’s basement

Your “animated short” is nothing but a VHS of an old Popeye cartoon

The screenplay was adapted from a Denny’s menu

Sound track consists solely of fart noises

Your name is Vin Diesel

 

Memory Loss Leader

January 20, 2017

For some reason I have no recollection of my 24th birthday. It’s not like I was drunk and forgot. I just have no memory of it. No celebrations, no parties, no cards, nothing. I think I may have accidentally skipped it. Which would technically make me a year younger, I think. And that’s a plus.

A Chicken Pox

January 15, 2017

This is Taco Bell’s Naked Chicken Chalupa, launching nationwide on January 26. It consists of a shell made with marinated chicken packed with lettuce, tomatoes, cheddar cheese and avocado ranch. It is evil. And people will die.

naked-chicken-chalupa

Mark my words: people will die from this insanity. Sure, we managed the McGriddle and the Thickburger and the Double Down but that was merely tempting fate. (Actually that was walking right up to fate, opening your shirt and writing with an indelible marker INSERT CORONARY HERE.)  Now, with this nascent poultry monstrosity (poulstrosity?), all bets are off and people will finally die. I envision customers taking a savory bite and then exploding right there by the fire sauce or collapsing into a puddle of fleshy goo under the banner that ironically implores you to Live Más. Either way, no one will be surprised and no one will sue because it’s just the natural evolution of caloric QSR offerings and that’s just the way it is and will forevermore be.

The Naked Chicken Chalupa. Yep, people will die. Mark my words.

What A Pool Believes

January 13, 2017

Here’s the official “for your consideration” video for the movie Deadpool.

Personally, I would have thought a 29 year old Clint Eastwood movie would be ineligible for the Oscar but, hey, anything’s possible…

Can’t Weather All Get Along?

January 10, 2017

Due to the weather, I’ve heard the media use the term “black ice” more times than I care to count in the last 48 hours. As such, I can never hear it without recalling this Key & Peele sketch…

The Clause That Represses

December 23, 2016

Okay, let me get this straight…

“You better watch out…” Ooh, sounds ominous. Nothing good can be on the horizon with a warning as dire as this.

“You better not cry…” Morality seems an absolute here. Very puritan. Very Amish.

“You better not shout, I’m telling you why…” Forget reasonable discourse. This is a dictate derived from a simple purpose: to bend others to one’s own will. My way or the highway. A parental “Because I said so!”

“Santa Claus is coming to town.” A notice of this calibre can mean one of two things: the subject is either a great egomaniac or a criminal who’s been forced to alert the populace when he’s entering a neighborhood.

“He knows if you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” So he’s spying on you, is he? Perhaps he’s outside right now, watching you. Sounds like a stalker to me.

“He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake…” And he’s apparently heavily judgmental too. Good, bad, what kind of labels are these? Is this based on ethical relativism or mere casuistry? And I think I detect a slight element of fear and inducement there as well.

Sigh.

Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Saint Nicholas. Not a very good role model, is he?

Basically, we’re talking about an obese elderly man who invites young children to sit on his lap and tell him what they want. He dresses flamboyantly and lives alone with a large collection of freaks and bizarre zoo rejects in what can best be described as an isolated compound. His whereabouts and activities are largely secret. He claims to have superhuman abilities. His PR is delivered in such a way as to suggest a Nazi-like propaganda machine.

And yet, he is beloved. He is anxiously awaited. He is considered to be the Spirit of Christmas.

Are we one ridiculously screwed up and loony nation or what?