Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

People I Hate #333 (In A Series)

October 14, 2017

Who: The guy who says “Don’t leave me hangin’” when he tries to high-five you.

Why: It doesn’t matter where you are – chatting in a parking lot, sitting in a staff meeting, walking across campus – someone will say something or do something and he’ll feel the need to punctuate the moment with a high-five. The moment doesn’t need it. The high-five is awkward, unprovoked and completely egregious. But there it is, suspended aloft, awaiting reciprocation. The last thing you want to do is high-five this douchebag. Maybe you don’t like him or perhaps it’s just that the high-five is so misplaced and ridiculous that by even acknowledging it you risk lowering yourself to his idiotic level. Yet there it is, that plaintive hand and that challenging entreaty: Don’t leave me hangin’! And still you should. You should leave him hangin’. He’s a tool with absolutely no ability to read a social situation and you should totally leave him hangin’ in any way that concept can be interpreted.

How I justify it: If the situation warranted a high-five, I would have already freakin’ high-fived you and so you wouldn’t need to beg me to validate your stupid existence.

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Recipe for Disaster

October 10, 2017

Really? Someone thought this was a good idea?

Disgusting.

Relative Stupidity

October 6, 2017

My cousin Daniella gave me a picture of herself for my twelfth birthday. I was a little creeped out by that, even then. My aunt Siobhan told me with a giggle that Daniella had a crush on me. Double creeped out by that. Yet when I saw Daniella a few years after college at a family reunion, I was surprised to find that the previously awkward preteen with braces and Coke bottle lens glasses was now a complete and utter hottie. Lemme tell you – the thoughts that went through my mind that day … man, still very much creeped out by those!

Random Neurons Firing

October 3, 2017

My mind is really a scary place. It’s like an attic so filled with clutter that you daren’t set foot inside lest you risk damage by a towering mound of Christmas decorations from 1986. Open it up and who knows what will come tumbling out.

For instance, I’m in bed the other night. I’m reading, finishing off What Happened … I stayed up much, much too late (as usual) and was merely whiling away the minutes until slumber. Eventually I drift off to sleep.

Then bam! Suddenly I’m wide awake! I’ve been asleep for less than 30 minutes but now I’m alert and panicked and my heart is beating a mile a minute. I can’t fall back to sleep and I stay awake for an hour. And one thought keeps bouncing round my noggin like a pea in an oil drum:

Whatever happened to that guy in those coffee commercials who was hitchhiking across America with his dog? Did he make it? Is he still traveling? Did he fall on hard times and have to eat his dog like Lewis and Clark did? Who knows the answer? Can I do a Google search?

Sigh. Pretty pathetic, I know. But it’s my mind and welcome to it.

Kids Today…

September 30, 2017

Whatever happened to Libby the Kid? (That’s Billy the Kid spelled sideways, sort of.) I mean, back in the 70s, he was always around, touting those Libbyland dinners on TV. Then – bam! Nothing.

I heard a rumour that he got into a drunken knife fight with Twinkie the Kid at Studio 54 and died. If anyone knows, drop me a line. I mean, I know Mr. Bubble is living in a retirement home in Boca Raton and Mr. Salty is buried in Arlington and the Frito Bandito was deported and King Vitaman – well, the less said about that megalomaniacal schmuck, the better…

But Libby the Kid? Man. Whatever happened to him?

Broadcasting Recall

September 24, 2017

It was 1954, television’s golden age, and I was working as assistant to the lead property master at the now-defunct Dumont network. Aside from Captain Video and Studio 57, our main project was a fledgling game show called Blow Out The Candles. The premise was pretty elementary: three contestants vied for the chance to have their very own birthday party, complete with cake and ice cream. The questions were pretty simplistic (“Who created the cartoon character Mickey Mouse?”), but it was a bona fide hit for three weeks during the summer. 

One night, however, the lead prop guy, Buster “Crabby” Stunton, got stinkin’ blind drunk and fell onto the birthday cake we were gonna use in the prize sequence. Well, we didn’t have any others baked and the studio chef had already clocked out for the day and all nearby bakeries were closed. So, we made up our own, a “faux” cake, out of plywood and caulk and painted it with white chrome matte. It looked beautiful and no one would have been the wiser had not the emcee, on a spur of the moment lark, tried to take a bite right out of the upper tier. He broke two teeth. On live television.

Crabby and I got our heads handed to us by the producers and we never worked network television again. Last I heard, Crabby lived in a tent Phoenix where he spends his days taking pot shots at iguana with a pellet gun. Compared to my lot, that’s a bloody paradise.

Shapes of Things

September 22, 2017

vwbeetle

On my first day of kindergarten, I walked into class and they gave me a shape cut out of construction paper. All the kids got one and we had to match it up with the same shape and same color on the back of a chair – that would then be our chair for the year. Well, most of the kids got simple shapes like circles, triangles, squares, maybe an octagon or star. But me? Me, they gave a Volkswagen. Yeah, a construction paper cutout of a VW Beetle. I had started kindergarten a year early because I was precocious so here I was – this 4-year-old kid walking around, trying to match up a complicated shape like a Volkswagen. I looked all over but couldn’t find it and went back to the teacher, crying, “I don’t have a chair!” Seriously, I thought I was gonna have to stand up for the entire year. You’d think that would have scarred me for learning for life but I then went on to be the best student in that damn kindergarten class. Unfortunately, when I graduated, I was too young to start first grade and had to go back to that same kindergarten again the next year. They gave me a circle.

Party Animal

September 16, 2017

On a dare, I once put a whole birthday cake in a blender and made a smoothie out of it, candles and all. Drank every last bit of it. I got sick and threw up into the piñata. Boy, were those kids surprised when they beat that papier-mâché donkey and vomit came spewing out.

Needless to say, I was fired from that Chuck E. Cheese shortly thereafter.

FIVE RANDOM FIVE

September 10, 2017

Five Signs You’re Addicted To Pokémon

When ordering at the drive thru, you say things like “Quarter Pounder with Cheese, I choose you!”

Your Squirtle-shaped swimming pool

Your résumé lists Team Rocket as a reference

The Pikachu tattoo on your ass

Number of Pokémon tournaments you’ve entered – 65 / Number of dates you’ve had – 0

 

Five Reasons To Have Kids

Someone to look after you in your dotage

Irreponsable about birth control

Cheap labor

Need an excuse to drive a mini-van

To sit next to non-breeders in restaurants and annoy the hell out of them

 

Five Nicknames for Your Hand

High-Five Fanatic

The Glove Stuffer

Marvin

Clap Happy

The Back-up Girlfriend

 

Five Hanna-Barbera Characters I Think Are Jerkwads

Precious Pupp

Yankee Doodle Pigeon

The Great Gazoo

Ranger Smith

Shazzan

 

Five Deadly Snack Crackers

Goldfission Bomb

Wheatabullets

The Nekotomicon

Lance

Ginger Snaps-Your-Neck-Without-A-Second-Thought

By The Power Of Jennifer Greyskull!

September 7, 2017

I’m not sure what they’re selling but man oh man these Masters of the Universe can sure as hell boogie.

Yowza! I’ve just had the time of my life!