April 22 has been designated as Earth Day, a time set aside to honor our Mother Earth through conservation, education and environmental awareness. And so, THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE sat down with the planet of the hour … the Third Rock From The Sun, the Big Blue Marble, Terra, our world, home … Earth. Here are some excerpts from the interview.

TFR: Scientists believe that you are around four and a half billion years old. Can you reveal your actual age?

EARTH: Six thousand. Don’t you read the Bible?

TFR: Uh, I don’t … I mean, that doesn’t …

EARTH: Ah, just yanking you! I think those religious nutjobs are hilarious. No, really, I’m 4 billion, 542 million, 938 thousand, and nine years old, as of today.

TFR: So Earth Day is your birthday?

EARTH: Well, it’s the day I celebrate. I was adopted.

TFR: Adopted?

EARTH: By Jupiter. I don’t like to talk about it much. We’re estranged now.

TFR: So, is it true that you were born out of the solar nebula through accretion…

EARTH: Oooh, you’ve done your homework.

TFR: And, while initially molten, your outer layer began cooling to form a solid crust when water began accumulating in the atmosphere?

EARTH: Spot on!

TFR: So your insides … your core … is it a solid sphere of iron-nickel alloy, as many believe?

EARTH: Nope. Nougat. Delicious chewy nougat.

TFR: Well, the surface is mostly water, right?

EARTH: I’m retaining. It’s that time of the eon.

TFR: And looking back at your history … what would you say is your favorite moment?

EARTH: When that planetoid Theia impacted me back in the day and caused the formation of the moon. Brilliant, that was. Closest I’ll ever come to sex. And don’t think Venus hasn’t tried.

TFR: Hmmm … and your least favorite moment?

EARTH: The Cambrian explosion. All those new life forms crawling all over me … eeehhhh … it’s like having lice all over your body!

TFR: Are you saying that you resent the life forms that reside upon you?

EARTH: At first, yeah, but not any more. You get used to it. Like when you rent an old apartment, you’re bound to have a few roaches and silverfish.

TFR: Are your prepared to address the origins of life? I mean, is it in line with the amino acids and electricity of the Miller-Urey experiment or perhaps extraterrestrial in origin, say, a Mars meteorite?

EARTH: Definitely extraterrestrial but less Martian and more Erich Von Däniken.

TFR: What?!

EARTH: Read Chariots of the Gods?, mate.

TFR: Alien astronauts?!

EARTH:  Shhhh! Shhhhh! I’ve said too much. They might be listening.

TFR: You’re kidding again, right?

EARTH: Raëlism is looking pretty good now, I bet.

TFR: Uh. Getting to tectonic theory for a bit …

EARTH: Oh, horrible! Hate it! Continental drift … landmasses all moving about. Pangea was just fine but Laurasia didn’t get on with Gondwana and the next thing you know it’s 200 million years later and everyone’s all up in their own space. Spoiled little bitches.

TFR: Are you worried about global warming at all?

EARTH: No way! I love a warm spell. Helps defrost my South Pole. I mean, how’d you like running around with frosticles on your arse?

TFR: Well, funny you should mention …

EARTH: Plus, it gives me a chance to sing.

TFR: Sing?

EARTH: It’s getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes!

TFR: Seriously? You’ve been home to some of the most creative genius minds the universe has to offer and you’re quoting Nelly?

EARTH: Oh, take the stick out, Sparky. It’s getting hot in herrre! So take off all your clothes! I am getting’ so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.

TFR: That’s so sad.

The Earth can be seen rotating on its axis at a tilt and revolving around the Sun in what many suspect may be the oldest co-dependent relationship in the solar system.

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