Dear [insert child’s name here]:
Thank you for you recent correspondence. Unfortunately, Santa cannot answer all of the millions and billions of letters he receives each year as he is busy in his workshop getting ready for Christmas. We hope that the following will answer any and all questions you might have about Mr. Claus.
(And please visit us online at www.2claus2call.com to order from our vast merchandise catalogue.)
*Who Is Santa Claus?*
Santa is a jolly fat man who delivers presents to all the good little boys and girls around the world. He is the living embodiment of the Yuletide season, the spirit of Christmas given human form.
*Does he have any other names?*
Santa is known by many names throughout the globe, including Criscringle, Father Christmas, Father Frost, Joulupukki, Kris Kringle, PPre Noël, Sabdiklos, Saint Nicolas, Sancte Claus, Sinter Klaas and Weinachtsmann. His gmail screen name is YuleLog. His CB handle is Chubby Hubby.
*Does he live at the North Pole?*
Of course not. The North Pole is really the end of the earth’s geographic axis, located at 90 North latitude, the northernmost point from which all meridians of longitude start. It lies in the Arctic Ocean and is covered with drifting pack ice, making settlement by Santa or anyone else highly unlikely. (This is not to be confused with the magnetic North Pole, which in 1993 lay at about 78 27’N, 104 24’W, or with the geomagnetic North Pole, which is at about 79 13’N, 71 16’W. Huge killer frost bees live at these locations, making human occupation difficult.)
*Do elves make Santa’s toys?*
Santa no longer uses elves as his primary labor, due to the Pixie/Sprite/Elf/Brownie Emancipation Act of 1973 (UN General Statute 87292). Most of Santa’s labor is now farmed out to third world countries and unregistered sweatshops.
*What does Santa do when it’s not Christmas?*
Primarily, he binge watches Netflix (Bloodline and Lady Dynamite are personal faves). However, Santa has been known to dabble in origami, Suidoku and cross-stitch. He also hosts a Game Of Thrones podcast and writes Pretty Little Liars fan fiction.
*Does Santa Claus have eight tiny reindeer like the everyone says?*
*Do they pull his sleigh on Christmas Eve?*
*And do they actually fly?*
*So that means Rudolph is real, right?*
“Rudolph?” No, what are you on crack?!
*How does Santa know whether I’ve been naughty or nice?*
Santa has an extensive network of spies, moles and snitches. He also uses a special infrared device which can see body heat through walls.
*Is there a Mrs. Claus?*
No. There is not a Mrs. Claus. There is a Trent, however. He and Santa are very close companions and have been for a very long time.
*Does Santa have any super powers?*
Santa can eat enormous quantities of ice cream without being sick. And he can talk to fish.
*How does Santa Claus fly around the world and deliver presents to all the children on Earth in one single night?*
He uses the HOV lane.
*Why are there so many different Santas every Christmas at department stores and on street corners?*
These men are not Santa but Santa’s helpers. Thanks to a liberal licensing agreement and successful franchising, virtually anyone can get a piece of the S. Claus action and dress up as him at Christmas.
*So, when I sit on that guy’s lap at Sears and tell him what I want, it’s all for nothing?*
Not as far as “that guy” is concerned.
*Does Santa like the milk and cookies I leave for him every year?*
Yes, thank you. Santa always appreciates the kindness of children when they leave snacks for him to consume during his busy rounds. However, just for future reference, as much as Santa likes the cookies, the brownies, the milk and all the sweets, he would really prefer something a bit more adult – and substantial. Like Zima and veal.
*Why didn’t I get what I wanted for Christmas last year?*
You did. Santa delivered exactly what you wanted. Your parents, on the other hand, switched presents and that’s why you ended up with what you did. Always blame your parents. Never blame Santa.
*What’s Santa’s favorite color?*
Um… red? No, no, wait, it’s blue. A sort of sky blue. Azure. Yeah, azure.
*How can Santa be killed?*
Silver or a wooden stake through the heart.
*Is Santa available for personal appearances?*
Yes. Contact Santa’s agent at S. Claus
c/o Nick of Time Enterprises
3475 Buena Vista Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA
Thank you for your interest in Santa Claus. Please do not attempt to contact us at this address again. We have lawyers and we will make your life a miserable hell.