Five Embarrassing Charges on My Credit Card

Disposable Enemas, value size

American Idol 2011 Tour Tickets, floor seats

Marie Claire subscription, renewal

Hello Kitty Navy Blue Drawstring Shorts

Extended Warranty, Walkman


Five Made Up Distance Measurements

A fawahl (Olde English) – approximately 14 inches

A barklong – length one dog can paddle in pool in 10 seconds

A blurgum (used in sanitation) – depth of port-a-john filth

A nrewth (D&D term) – distance a drunken ogre can throw an elf

An op – one-third of a croop, the average stride of one zombie


Five Meat-Related Phobias

Fear deviled ham is actually possessed

Fear of inadequacy involving salami

Fear of mispronouncing the word gyro

Fear the gelatinous glaze on SPAM is toxic

Fear that olive loaf is staring at you


Five Personal Scars (And Their Origins)

Left knee; cut on buried glass when I fell in hole I dug in 2nd grade

Appendectomy scar; appendectomy, high school

Right thumb base; Calliope nail trim, 2002

Left thigh; guy stabbed me with protractor between classes, 8th grade

Right Foot; where I tried to kick the guy who stabbed me with protractor between classes, 8th grade, missed and hit edge of open locker


Five Beliefs Borne of Ignorance

Climate change isn’t real

The moon landing was faked

Soccer is exciting

Your ex really wants to still be friends

Everybody Loves Raymond


Sparky MacMillan is switchin’ sides like a Gemini.


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