Hyper-thetical

Who would win in a fight – a Tyrannosaurus Rex or rhino? Did I mention that the rhino has a rocket launcher? Did I mention that the T. Rex is a trained assassin? Did I mention the rhino is gunning for the tyrant lizard king because the dinosaur killed his family? Did I mention that the carnivorous theropod has been extinct for over 60 million years? Did I mention that the rhino has time traveling equipment? Did I mention that Rex has escaped to a parallel dimension? Did I mention the rhino is able to track his prey across timelines? Did I mention I could go on like this all day? Better stop reading this while you can.

Now, imagine the rhino has morphing abilities … but the Tyrannosaur has read Sun Tzu’s “The Art Of War” and he’s studied under some of the great commanders of military history – Wellington, Hannibal, Rommel (“I read your book, you magnificent bastard!”) … only the rhino can see into the immediate future. And the T. Rex needs fuzzy dice, just ‘cuz it makes him look cool. But the rhino has lasers! Yeah, lasers mounted on his horn. Oh, sweet…

I warned you.

And the Rex is frozen in ice which is discovered by scientists millions of years later and he gets thawed out. Crap! That’s the plot of “Dinosaurus!” (And that was a steaming pile of celluloid, lemme tell you.) Oh well. We’ve come this far. But the rhino, he – he has a crack squadron of flying bandicoots which can distract the T. Rex. Snap snap. Crunch. Rrrrrarrrrgghhh!!!! Grrrr!!!!!! Stab. Slash. Fzzzzzt!!! Whirrr. “Dive! Dive!” Aooooooogah! Aooooooogah! Aooooooogah! NNNNNrrrrrrrrroooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

Yeah, you’re right. It’d probably be a draw. Man. I had money on the rhino.

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