People I Hate (#53 in a series)

Who: The picky kid who makes a “suicide.”

Why I Hate: He stands there at the soda fountain, spying all the possible options – caffeine-free, diet, off brand, raspberry, ginger ale – and wondering exactly what to put in his “suicide” mixture. He starts off, maybe, with a little Coca-Cola and then adds some Orange drink like Fanta or Sunkist. But what next? His tiny mind is reeling with possibilities, so he takes a stab at some other cola. Nope, false start. How about Coke Zero? Wait – isn’t that diet? Oh, yeah … Dr. Pepper! That rules. A little of that definitely.

And so it goes, on and on, a 32 ounce cup filled 3 ounces at a time with healthy pauses in between while he utilizes his still-developing cerebellum to make a bloody decision. And he thinks this ridiculous concoction (which he believes he’s the first person to discover) has a magic formula that if he can somehow just happen upon by trial and error his taste buds will achieve soda nirvana. But he’s mistaken. Normally, a soda “suicide” tastes like ass; at best, some crappy store brand. So what’s the point of making one besides silly childhood experimentation that could easily be accomplished by simply hitting each soda in turn, an act that takes 15 seconds tops!

How I Justify It: His indecision might be cute and adorable if he weren’t taking an unnecessarily long time to do a relatively simple task in a busy convenience store or restaurant, while the entire time I’M STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM WAITING MY TURN!!!! Move it along, you little snot. It’s only soda!

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