Five Produce Items That Sound Vaguely Dirty




Butternut Squash



Five Signs Your Tax Preparer Is An Idiot

When audited, pretends he can’t speak English

Thinks IRS is sexually transmitted

Got his degree on Craigslist

Let’s you deduct your Doctor Who DVDs as a medical expense

On your federal return, lists your occupation as “job”


Five Lesser Known New Elon Musk Inventions

A unicycle with two wheels

Superglue that doubles as a contraceptive

Can opener that cats can’t hear

A reverse turducken

An air guitar that actually plays music


Five Board Game Character Ailments

Gramma Nutt, Candyland – Diabetes

Lizzie Hippo, Hungry Hungry Hippos – Bulimia

Rich Uncle Pennybags, Monopoly – Gout

Cavity Sam, Operation – Hypochondria

Colonel Mustard, Clue – Herpes (contracted in a library tryst with Miss Scarlet)


Five Odd Relationship Dealbreakers

She doesn’t know Esperanto

He bathes like a cat

His wardrobe consists exclusively of concert tees and jorts

During sex, she insists you wear an Alex Trebek mask and only answer in the form of a question

You say “to-MAH-toh” and he says, “Why the hell are you talking like that?”

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