FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Holiday Edition)

Five Unpopular Holiday Songs

Santa Rabies

Over Joan Rivers and Through James Woods

I Saw Three Shemps

Winter Wonderbra

I’m Dreaming of a White Kwanzaa

 

Five Things I’d Like To Find Under My Tree Christmas Morning

The Walking Dead Compendium

Roku

The Monkees The Complete TV Series on DVD

Anything Hello Kitty

Tatiana Maslany

 

Five Santa Claus Fears

The elves will revolt.

Red makes him look fat.

The Krampus will beat him in his fantasy football league.

Some kids will put Ex-Lax in the cookies they leave out for him.

Mrs. Claus will find the love letters to Yukon Cornelius on his hard drive.

 

Five Odd Christmas Superstitions

If you sleep with your feet on your pillow, Santa will bring you honey.

A tree that leans forward augurs either impotence or restlessness.

Wear no socks on Boxing Day and your true love will propose.

Place grapes in your stocking to ward off evil.

Elves will hide in the cracks of your ceiling and suck out your breath while you sleep if you’ve been naughty.

 

Five Holiday Character Confessions

“I’ve eaten venison.” – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

“My cardiomyopathy makes me cranky.” – The Grinch

“I’ve been embezzling from the Savings & Loan for years.” – George Bailey

“I pretend that I’m melting but I’m really just peeing.” – Frosty the Snowman

“I’m Jewish.” – Charlie Brown

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