Five Great Bruce Campbell Roles

Ash, Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness

Elvis Presley, Bubba Ho-Tep

Himself, My Name Is Bruce

Roland the Intrepid Explorer, The Majestic

Sam Axe, Burn Notice


Five Cool Songs About Fire

Fire by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown

Burnin’ Down the House by Talking Heads

Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple

Fire on the Mountain by The Marshall Tucker Band

Wildfire by Michael Martin Murphey


Five Lame Vitamins

Vitamin L – used to strengthen moles, scabs and chancres

Vitamin S – found in lizard gonads, can make voice sound like a chipmunk

Vitamin R – a lipid theorized to exist only in space; good for space sickness

Vitamin X – one must consume 10,000 muffins to ingest one microgram but once you ingest a pound of it you get x-ray vision

King Vitamin – his cereal sucked


Five Favorite Kids in the Hall Lines

“You chose a child molester’s jam!”

“Once upon a time… there was this… eel-monkey… and he had himself… a bollum head.”

“Well, I’m sure the Great Leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak!”

“It was Citizen Kane! IT WAS CITIZEN KANE!!”

“OK, I’ll eat your Bible. But it’ll cost you a lot and take me several days of lunching and snacking.”


Five Desserts That Could Be Stripper Names 


Coconut Macaroon



Creamy Divinity

Sparky MacMillan is the number one fan of the man from Tennessee.

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