Five Lame Insults

Your Mom flosses!

I’ll make you change your pants!

Eat sheet cake and diet!

May your offspring require proof of childhood vaccinations upon entering university!

I hope a chiropractor overcharges you!


Five Childhood Crushes

Tina W. in my 5th grade class

Paula H. in my 6th grade class

Paula’s friend, Wendy A.

Kim Richards

Eric’s mom


Five Irrational Fears

Fear that corn can hear you

Fear of being haunted by the ghost of Boris Yeltsin

Fear of asphyxiation by caramel

Fear of the known

Fear of being forced to dress up like a rabbi at gunpoint


Five Live Performances I Saw

Rick Rock, Buddha Buddha

Gordon Lightfoot, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald

Steve Forbert, Romeo’s Tune

10,000 Maniacs, Trouble Me

Suzanne Vega, Marlene On The Wall


Five Ways I Nearly Died

Falling down that manhole during a snowstorm

Being thrown from that ride at the county fair

Of embarrassment when Courtney’s mom caught us

Kidnapped by Scientologists in London

In Your Arms Tonight (It must’ve been some kind of kiss)


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