Ursine Of The Times

What the hell is wrong with Hollywood?

I ask this with great love and respect for the film industry but utter contempt for the studio system that churns out the type of dreck and unnecessary sequels that should only have been greenlit in some lower level of Hell. And, to be honest, I kind of know the answer.

Still, what the hell is wrong with Hollywood?

This is Paddington, a polite bear from deepest, darkest Peru that finds his way into the Brown family in a series of beloved children’s books.

Paddington1

Looks like a fine chap, doesn’t he?

This is also Paddington, a store-bought plush that kids can cozy up to.

Paddington2

Awwww. Just wants to make you snuggle, don’t he?

Now. THIS is Paddington, a computer-generated abomination from the upcoming movie.

Paddington3

AHHHH! Kill it with fire!!!

I realize that everything is a potential commodity and your childhood memories will be plundered and stripped of whatever innocence they once held but this … this is freaky scary.

The illustrated Paddington is cute. The soft toy Paddington is adorable. The movie Paddington will kill you while you sleep and devour your entrails as a snack before moving onto your kids and pets.

Paddington4

The dog in this photo was merely an hors d’oeuvre for this grotesque grizzly.

So, Hollywood, whatever the hell your deal is, just stop it. I don’t need the type of nightmare this monstrosity will induce.

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