Waste Not, Want Not

Something just occurred to me and I don’t recall anyone ever talking about it. Perhaps it’s one of Christmas’ dirty little secrets – that thing no one ever mentions, like the uncle you dare not get trapped under the mistletoe with – but it bears consideration at this time of year. I’m talking about flying reindeer waste.

Santa’s hitting supersonic speeds here, folks. Donner and Blizten decide it’s time to heed nature’s call and the jolly fat man’s coated in a fine mist of deer urine and/or what could otherwise be the makings of a very potent North Pole fertilizer. And don’t kid yourself that the reindeer hold it. Ever find scat on your rooftop come December 26? These reindeer are animals and animals are working a different bathroom schedule than you or me. Take a ride in a hansom cab or go to the circus; you’ll see that it doesn’t matter where they are, who’s watching and what other task they are engaged in – should Mother Nature call, they heed. And forgot the anthropomorphic talking reindeer portrayed on animated holiday specials; these beasts are livestock – chattel – yoked to a Christmas icon, surely, but dumb animals nonetheless. I think the fact that they’re flying makes it especially egregious. Anyone who’s ever had their car dive bombed by a bird knows why.

All in all, I’m just surprised I never thought of this before. Why isn’t there a seasonal song that deals with this? I mean, hey, they go to the trouble of trying to explain how he makes his rounds and does everything so meticulously; they couldn’t give a few minutes to explain away deer pee and poop? It’s only natural (everybody poops). I just, for the sake of realism, want the next time I spy a picture of Kris Kringle to see him speckled in yellow and brown. At the very least wearing goggles.

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