Simonized

Am I the only one who was bothered that Paul Simon kinda half-assed it with his song 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover? Great song – a #1 hit in 1975 – but at best it’s a prime example of  singer-songwriter slacking; at worst, it’s false advertising and fraud.

I mean, look: it’s supposed to be 50 ways to leave your lover. But how many does Simon give us? A half dozen or so, really, at the most, depending on how you define “leave.” There’s You just slip out the back, Jack and Hop on the bus, Gus – that’s two ways to leave your lover, granted. But what about Make a new plan, Stan and Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free – are these actual ways to leave your lover or just actions one might take if considering to leave or having already left a lover? And what the hell does You don’t need to be coy, Roy even mean? That’s not a way to leave, it’s an instruction to stop being an indecisive dweeb and make up your freakin’ mind!

So, honestly, even accepting these lame attempts at defining ways to leave your lover, we’ve got five ways to leave your lover. Five! Anyone besides me see a serious disparity here? Five is considerably less than fifty. And that’s an unreasonable stretch that can’t be attributed to pure exaggeration or hyperbole. It’s like Paul Simon wrote a song called 5 Ways To Leave Your Lover and the label said, “No, make it bigger!  More than five! How about 50?!  50 Ways To Leave Your Lover!” “But, I only wrote five ways.” “Who cares? Nobody’ll notice.”  Well, I did!  I do!  I noticed!

Paul Simon, you owe me 45 more ways to leave your lover!  And you’re about 40 years overdue.

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