Pumpkin Bye

Can we just STOP IT with the giant pumpkins?

Every autumn, these yokels make the rounds at fall festivals and state and county fairs, showing off their mega-produce. They gush over the care and tending of their large charges. Pumpkins the size of small cars. 1200 pounds!1500 pounds!1800 pounds! ENOUGH!

You can’t eat them or carve them, I don’t think. As far as I know, they exist solely as monuments to a gardener’s vanity and ego, perhaps even a Freudian show of overcompensation. And they are completely pissing me off! So stop it! Just bloody stop it!

You should be so ashamed. Even Linus Van Pelt would be sickened by this gross display of excess.

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