MY TEN FAVORITE CEREALS I’VE NEVER EATEN

I’ve eaten a lot of breakfast cereals in my life. Sugary sweet corn pops, crunchy bran flakes, fruit-infused smacks and nuggets. There was a time when a day wouldn’t go by that I didn’t cram some graham into my gob. Ah. But for every Freakies and Pink Panther Flakes, there’re dozens of cereals I’ve never savored, yet think of fondly. Here are the Top Ten.

Quake. In the early 70s, kids were treated to a friendly, frenzied competition between a space alien with a propeller on his head and a broad-jawed, caped miner. It was the generation of Quisp vs. Quake, two Quaker cereals that still provoke fierce devotion from former devourers. Me, I was a Quisp kid. (Hey, he was a freakin’ ALIEN! That’s so cool.) I never tried Quake, but I always had a respect for the big lug.

Cocoa Puffs. God, those commercials made me nuts. I mean, any cereal that caused someone to go crazy eight bonkers had to be good, right? I remember being about 7 or 8 and seeing one of the ads on TV. Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs bird, went “coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs” and I went into a tantrum, demanding the chocolatey cereal RIGHT NOW. I recall we went to the nearest mom & pop store and they didn’t carry it. Despite my protest, we looked no further. Sadly, I never had any.

Boo Berry. I ate Frankenberry. I ate Count Chockula. I think I even tried Fruit Brute once. But I’ve never tasted Boo Berry. I certainly enjoyed the fruit-based cereals like Fruity Pebbles and Froot Loops, so I wonder why I’ve never eaten Boo Berry. I think it’s because he looked like the ghost of Peter Lorre and I always found that unsettling.

Trix. Again, not unlike Cocoa Puffs, I think it was the commercials that always got me. I always felt sorry for the rabbit. Crappy disguises aside, the Trix rabbit was denied the cereal because it was allegedly for kids. Sure, kids ate it, but it’s not like there was any law stating “no one over the age of 18 may consume Trix.” Maybe I never ate Trix out of protest.

Nickelodeon Green Slime Cereal. It’s not that I ever really wanted to try this cereal. (I gladly admit that until I just happened upon it on a routine web search, I never even knew it existed.) But I have to admire the cahones of the exec who decided to create a cereal based on what may be the most disgusting substance on television outside of Larry King’s flop-sweat: green slime! Just because it was from a kids’ show doesn’t mean kids wanted to eat it. And since the cereal was only around for about a year, I guess that was the case. Nonetheless, I just like the idea of Nickelodeon Green Slime Cereal. I admire its chutzpah!

Flutie Flakes. I don’t know Doug Flutie and I probably couldn’t pick him out of a line-up. I don’t even really care that some of the cereal’s profits go to help fight autism (although that’s pretty sweet). I just like to say, “Flutie Flakes.” “Flutie Flakes.” “Flutie Flakes.” “Flutie Flakes.”

Fiber One. No real interest in consuming it; I just love the late Dennis Wolfberg’s comedy routine on the subject (it’s about 90 seconds in).

Eggo Cereal. Seriously. Someone came up with the idea to make a breakfast cereal out of a breakfast item. It’s like making a breakfast biscuit out of Pop Tarts.  Awesome.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Cereal. Seems like every movie and TV show gets its own cereal if it’s a big enough pop culture reference. And Bill & Ted made the grade. Yes, the kings of San Dimas, these Wyld Stallyns, ruled for a brief time in the late 80s/early 90s and put Keanu Reeves on the map long before he bent over backwards in The Matrix. The cereal? No idea what it tastes like but oddly I’m kinda curious.

Cookie Crisp. Cookies? For breakfast?! Any kid that could convince his mom to buy this waste of cabinet space at the supermarket was a god among his peers. Bow down! Bow down, you jealous elementary school bitches.

Sparky MacMillan has got the crunch with punch.

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