Five Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Flavors

Rainforest Crunk

Phish Poop

Hubby Chubby

Upchucky Monkey

Cherry Andy Garcia


Five More Things Brazil Lost


A game of Candyland

The keys to the liquor cabinet

The baby weight

Its dignity


Five Soup Musicals

Annie Get Your Gumbo

Gazpacho and Dolls

The Music Minestrone

The 25th Annual Putnam County Split Pea

Thoroughly Modern Mulligatawny


Five Signs Your Piano Teacher Hates You

She makes you play scales wearing boxing gloves

Smacks your hands with a ruler when you screw up – and when you get something right

You say, “Hello” and she screams, “BEETHOVEN HATES YOU!”

The black keys are rigged to deliver an electric shock

The metronome lodged up your backside


Five Intelligent Ape Complaints

Human chattel smell like urine and BO.

A backful of nits and no one to pick ‘em off.

That bastard on the beach yelling by that statue thingy.

Gibbons. Am I right, simians?

Andy Serkis thinks he’s all that and a bag of banana chips.


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