Humans are doomed. This we know. Asteroid, viral pandemic, nuclear armageddon, robot apocalypse, alien invasion, what have you – these are just a few possible ways we are all going to die a horrible death. Granted, the universe has been trying to kill off our species for millenia but now we are oh so close to doing it ourselves.

To wit: we are teaching monkeys to roast marshmallows.

Harmless, you say? What’s the problem, you chide? Well, enjoy your numbered days, deluded fool! Haven’t you seen Conquest of the Apes or Rise of the Planet of the Apes or really any of the Planet of the Apes movies (even the 70s cartoon)? Make ’em smarter and the next thing you know it’s apes on horses and forced human sterilization and You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Okay, maybe not. Maybe that’s a stretch. Maybe I’ve got a paranoid active imagination and this is a ridiculous premise but – mark my words – it’s still a mistake! You teach an ape to roast marshmallows and you know what happens next? Well, do ya?!

Monkey s’mores.

Seriously. It’s a thing. It’ll happen. And then you’ll be sorry. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


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