FIVE RANDOM FIVE (Easter Edition)

Five Easter Candy-Related Injuries

Chocolate bunny overdose

Jelly bean lodged in nasal cavity

Peep rash

Slip on Cadbury crème egg & hit head on edge of coffee table

CarPAAS® tunnel syndrome


Five Easter Bunny Variations

Sir Hops-A-Lot (U.K.)

Der Furrengrössen (Germany)

Tamago Usagi-chan – Little Egg Bunny (Japan)

Dwi’ngygarupasghapuscwningen (Welsh)

兔子窃贼 – The Rabbit that Steals from the People (China)


Five Really Good Easter Egg Hiding Places

Taped to someone’s back, like Bruce Willis’ gun in Die Hard

Inside a chocolate bunny

The Gobi desert

Inside a toilet tank (like an upper decker)

At a matinee showing of Draft Day


Five Bad Easter Experiences

Never found that last egg (age 5)

Broke up with girlfriend; ate heads off of chocolate bunnies until I lapsed into sugar coma (11th grade)

Accidentally bought sugar-free PEEPs (2003)

Saw Dragonball Evolution at cinema (2009)

Inhaled recalled egg dye; stripped down to skivvies and ran through dorm hallway screaming, “Jesus zombies! Eeeeyyyarrgh!!!” (Freshman year)


Five Easter Bunny Fears

Fear of being discovered

Fear of exploding eggs

Fear that kids would rather have hasenpfeffer than candy

Fear Velveteen Rabbit will ignore restraining order

Fear someone will catch him Red Boxing Hop with Russell Brand


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