‘Nati, ‘Nati (Loud and Bawdy)

I keep seeing a promo for the Tom Hanks’ flick Angels & Demons on some basic cable channel and every time I watch the spot the following sticks out at me like a sore thumb: “The Illuminati were a secret society dedicated to scientific truth.” Apparently, the Illuminati are supposed to be the villains of the piece but I keep thinking, “Secret society? Scientific truth? Sounds awesome. Where do I sign up?”

Seriously, where is it written that just because it’s a “secret society” it’s got to be evil? The Justice League was a secret society and they were the good guys. Enron was a publicly traded company and you saw what tools they were. My guess is the Illuminati are a bunch of way cool guys and I want to join. I mean, if they’re all scientists they probably have great benefits: great medical, great dental, tremendous 401K, I bet. And they might even have loads of cool sciencey stuff that the general public doesn’t have access to – like teleportation, invisibility, web shooters … heck, they’re sounding more and more like the Justice League. Bloody hell, I so want to be a member!

Yeah, I know I can’t look ’em up on Monster.com, what with the whole secret society schtick and whatnot, but I’m thinking that they probably scan the Internet for references to their club, so chances are they’ll read this. And if they do – if this is you guys, y’know – give me a call. Drop me a line. Pass me a note in a crowded restaurant with a password and a meeting place. I’m hip. I won’t squeal. 

And hey – if I have to, I might even be able to get my hands on some anti-matter. Not sayin’ I can, mind you. Just maybe I can. Like I might know a guy who knows a guy. (Or at least have access to Craigslist.)

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