Five Reasons Not To Tip Your Waiter


The dessert arrives before the appetizer

He coughs in your face and laughs like a hyena

His BO is more pungent than your garlic curry

It’s a dine and dash!


Five Sandwiches That Scare Me


A Po’ Boy

Anything from Quizno’s ever since the Spongemonkeys

Fluffernutter (seriously, what the hell IS that?!)

French dipwad


Five Odd Things To Keep In Your Crisper Drawer

Leather falconry gauntlets

A calcified granuloma

A chastity belt

A copy of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers #2

Actor J. K. Simmons


Five Lesser Known St. Patrick’s Day Traditions

Green beards

Walking with a potato between your knees

Screaming like a banshee when anyone plays Sinead O’Connor

Tickling strangers on the bus

“Slapping the Black Pudding”


Five Things Vladimir Putin Is Overcompensating For

Emotionally stunted due to lack of parents’ love

Not asked to Russian high school prom

Lactose intolerance

Shirt allergies

His extremely small Crimean peninsula


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