Train In Vain

We’ve missed a heck of an opportunity, folks.  A heck on an opportunity.

I’m talking about this commercial for the 2014 Nissan Rogue.

This is an automobile that is so amazing and edgy that it can DRIVE ON TOP OF TRAINS! Of course, it can’t. Not really. And the commercial even takes a moment to say just that. Look at the bottom of the screen, there’s a warning: Fantasy, do not attempt. Cars can’t jump on trains.”

Blast it all! THIS is the missed opportunity. For had the carmakers and the admakers seen fit NOT to clue us in to one of the most duh-obvious commonsensical concepts, then someone may have actually tried to duplicate this feat of automotive prowess. And to that I say, “Fantastic!” Sure, I think any idiot who believes that cars can drive on top of trains should be allowed to try it. That way, we can weed them out of the gene pool with the utmost expediency! It’s Darwinism at its best, meaning if there is a blowhole so bereft of intelligence as to believe that if he gets into his new ride then he can go cruisin’ atop the Silver Streak, then I sure as heck don’t want him marrying my daughter and continuing his lineage into the next generation. I don’t even want him to adopt. I want him voted off the planet pronto. And allowing his own stupidity to do the job works great for me.

Of course, a few of you are certain to point out that this warning is merely there to avoid lawsuits. Because you know that, as sure as sugar sweetens, the moment this moron takes an Evel Knieval onto the City of New Orleans his family would have some shyster filing a suit in federal court. And that may be ultimately why our species is doomed. If justice were honestly what fueled our society and we really wanted to ensure that humanity was composed only of those fit and deserving to carry us forward into that Brave New World, then the moment a lawsuit like this was brought to light, a judge would go: “Some buffoon drove his car on the top of a train because he saw it in a commercial?! Well, if he hadn’t have done that, he would’ve drank Liquid Plumber or tried to stop a bullet with his teeth or something. The ad’s not responsible for his demise; his stupidity is! Good riddance to bad rubbish. Case dismissed!”

That’s the world I wanna live in! The one where imbeciles are allowed to make the planet a better place by simply leaving it of their own accord. Or Nissan Rogue, as the case may be.

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