Archive for September, 2013

Dog Gone

September 10, 2013

The hell – – ?

pearl-izumi-hed-2013

This was an ad printed in Canadian Running magazine by running-shoe brand Pearl Izumi. Yes, the dog is dead. (At the very least, dying.)

Let’s hope the advertising agency responsible will be humanely put down.

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Directionless

September 9, 2013

Strange thing happened over the weekend. I was driving downtown when someone walked up to the car at a stoplight and pulled a gun. He then forced me to drive to the nearest multiplex and buy a ticket to see One Direction: This Is Us. He made me watch 90 minutes of the UK boy band sensation’s rise to fame and afterwards he ran off into the darkness and left me standing there, confused and shaken.

At least that’s the story I told everyone when the ticket stub fell out of my wallet today at lunch.

Warren Piece

September 7, 2013

We lost him 10 years ago today. A singer-songwriter that those who care about such things will note was one of the greats. Certainly he may be best remembered by those that don’t know such things for his awesome pop hit, Werewolves of London (or worse – that Kid Rock earsore from a few years back), but his catalog is filled with rich imagery, fantastic stories and rockin’ music.

Here’s one that is all of the above, from one of his famous Letterman appearances.

Paper View

September 6, 2013

My doctor said that a healthy person’s urine is clear enough to read a newspaper through. I tried it out and the good news is my urine is clear enough I can read the paper through it. The bad news is I’ve now been banned from Barnes & Noble.

French Twist

September 4, 2013

I don’t know what’s in the water over at the creative department of Skittles but I hope they keep drinking it for a long, looooong time.

100 Things That I Like

September 3, 2013

I’ve been accused of being cynical, pessimistic and downright misanthropic at times and, while I will admit to a certain amount of tetchiness, I don’t think I deserve the moniker of curmudgeon just yet. In fact, my rants and raves are nothing more than tongue-in-cheek examples of blowing off steam at the ridiculousness of modern life. Moreover, I must assert that, when all is said and done, I am an optimist. Full-tilt, capital O, card-carrying.

So, let me take a moment to reassure you of just this declaration by listing 100 THINGS THAT I LIKE. Things that make me happy, make me smile, make me laugh, make me feel good about myself, others and the world. A few of my favorite things, if you’ll pardon my indulgence. (And I promise I won’t break into song.)

100) A cat’s purr
99) Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby
98) Roadside assistance programs
97) Fresh laundry
96) The last reel of It’s A Wonderful Life
95) Donkey basketball
94) Magic Eightballs
93) The Sunday funnies
92) Pinky & the Brain
91) The smell of honeysuckle
90) Easter egg hunts
89) Coconut macaroons
88) Hello Kitty
87) The Little Rascals
86) Scrabble
85) Neil deGrass – – Aaaagghhhh!!!!

What the heck is that in my eye?!?! It ’s a stye!!! A STYE!! What the hell, am I making a pearl in there or what?! Geez, it’s like I’m getting LASIK surgery without anesthesia!

Damn and blast!! IS THERE NO END TO MY ETERNAL TORMENT ON THIS HELL OF A PLANET WE CALL HOME?!?!??!

Um.

Oh. Heh. Sorry about that. It just really does hurt, y’know. Like when I get something between my cornea and my contact lens.

Woo, well, maybe I better put off that little list thing until another time. Don’t want to seem ridiculously unhinged or emotionally unstable or anything. Um, no danger of that is there?

Well, IS THERE?!?!

Politically Ineffect

September 1, 2013

I was rummaging through a bunch of old VHS tapes the other day – tossing the unwanted (did I really need to tape the first five seasons of Pokemon?) and saving the cream (Sifyl & Ollie Show! Rock!) – and I happened upon an old edition of Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect. I popped the video into my VCR to see exactly what the discussion topic was and who the guests were. As I remember, Bill’s guests were usually culled from an A-list of experts, dignitaires, pundits and the like – a motley crew assembled to bring to light complex issues of the day in a fashion only their unique skill set and knowledge could.

So, the guests for this particular episode?  A well-respected political cartoonist, an honored leader of an African-American action group, an Egyptian-born cinema devotee … and former MTV VJ Kennedy.

What the bloody hell? Kennedy?! Really? What, was Carrot Top too busy that day? Was Skippy from Family Ties unable to get someone to cover his shift at Foot Locker?

“One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong …”