Food, Folks and Funeral

In a shocker that stunned the restaurant world, fast food pitchman Ronald McDonald was found dead in his McDonaldland home late last week. The burger clown died of a massive heart attack brought on by decades of fatty, greasy, caloric food, including Quarter Pounders, Big Macs and Hot Apple Pies – just as the McDonald’s corporation celebrated the 30th anniversary of the Chicken McNugget.

“He appeared to be in peak condition,” said longtime companion Grimace, through tears. “But appearances were obviously deceiving … like that runner, Jim Fixx, who dropped dead while jogging back in the 80s. Just tragic.”

Doctor Hiram Snavely, renowned medico to such fast food luminaries as Wendy, Chuck E. Cheese and Gilbert Giddyup, noted that such a demise is not uncommon within the ranks of restaurant mascots. “The Colonel? Salmonella. The Chihuahua? Dehydration due to Montezuma’s Revenge. Big Boy? Coronary artery disease at age 17. They are what they eat and all the fruit and walnut salads in the world cannot make up for a lifetime of crap,” he said. “Just watch ‘Supersize Me’ some time.”

But chastisement and blame aside, those on the inside seem completely aware of their plight. Former pizza frontman, The Noid, now serving a lifetime sentence for fraud and embezzlement, noted, “We are nothing but indentured servants, held fast by the need for stardom and the addiction to the poison they feed us. We know our lives are worthless and that we’ll end up in an early grave – or worse, a living hell.”

Meanwhile, a community mourns and comes together to bury its most revered and respected. The funeral will be held Friday during the lunchtime rush at McDonald’s Playplace. Services will be presided over by Reverend McCheese (recently ordained through the Internet). Ronald McDonald will be buried in a special McDLT coffin to keep the hot side hot and the cool side cool.


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