Bland Of Oz

At my 13th birthday party, this Australian kid from my rhythmic gymnastics class stood up and – hmm? What? Yes, I took rhythmic gymnastics when I was in 7th grade. So what? You don’t have enough ammunition to make fun of me already? Anyway, this Aussie kid stands up and raises his glass of Hawaiian Punch and says, “Here’s to Sparky. He’s a keeper!” Well, the rest of us just stared at him. Not that it wasn’t completely odd that a junior high school kid would make a toast, but we all stared because, due to his accent, we all misunderstood him and thought he said, “He’s a kipper.” (For the record, I was not at that time, nor have I been at any moment since, either a male salmon shortly after the spawning season or a herring that had been split, salted, and smoked.) We thought the doofus from Down Under was crazy eight bonkers and all us kids started calling him “The Kipper” in really bad Australian accents. He left school a year later and went back to Melbourne.

And now … that kid … is none other than … actor Russell Crowe.

Page Two.

Sparky MacMillan is an annoying, whiny manchild.

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