Five Broadway Soups

Gazpacho and Dolls

The 25th Annual Putnam County Split Pea

Annie Get Your Gumbo

Bisque Me, Kate

Jesus Christ Vichyssoise

Five Things Danica Would Rather Have Struck Her

A wad of hundred dollar bills

A super-ripe Satsuma

A DoubleTree warm chocolate chip cookie

A Nerf anything

An actual chance of winning

Five Sports Mascots That Frighten Me

OSU’s Brutus the Buckeye

University of California Santa Cruz Bana Slugs

Wichita State’s WuShock

Izzy, 1996 Olympics

UNC School of the Arts Fighting Pickle

Five Killer Queens

Elizabeth I carrying a howitzer

Queen Noor with arsenic-laced wine

A queen-size mattress implanted with spring-loaded spikes

Queen Latifah trained in krav maga

Queen’s We Will Rock You played at ultrasonic levels, turning brain to mush

Five Little-Used Personal Ad Abbreviations

BT – Buttery thighs

CNRF – Charles Nelson Reilly Fetish

LINO – Lesbian in Name Only

A2H57 – Addicted to Heinz 57

FP – Former Pope (Benedict XVI only)

Sparky MacMillan bought a broken keyboard.


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