The Oval Offal

So, it’s President’s Day. Or is that Presidents Day? (Or Presidents’ Day?) Don’t know, don’t care.

But what should we care about when it comes to our Commander-in-Chief? There have been 44 of the guys but most languish in obscurity and those we do know have so many myths and lies surrounding their legacy that it’s hard to separate the truth from the fiction.

That’s why we here at THE FLEHMEN RESPONSE thought it a perfect opportunity to look back and reflect on those men who held the highest office in our land. What should you, as an American citizen, know about them? The important, salient points? The stuff Ken Jennings knows? Easy. Here it is, the four-one-one on the men who wouldn’t be king.

George Washington. First president. Wooden teeth. Chopped down a cherry tree. Once did it with Betsy Ross on an early version of Old Glory.

John Adams. Federalist. First President to occupy the White House. Had a fetish for powdered wigs.

Thomas Jefferson. Wrote the Declaration of Independence. Acquired the Louisiana Territory from Napoleon. Dispatched Lewis and Clark. Had himself a little Jungle Fever.

James Madison. Started the War of 1812 so that Johnny Horton could have a career in 1959.

James Monroe. Remembered for the Missouri Compromise, which admitted Missouri to the Union as a slave state, pairing it with Maine, a free state, and barring slavery north and west of Missouri forever. Oh, and he was remembered for the Monroe Doctrine, which states – um, never mind, just remember him for the Missouri Compromise.

John Quincy Adams. Son of the second President. People called him “Old Man Eloquent.” Lived on a boat and solved crimes as a medical examiner.

Andrew Jackson. Elected by popular vote. Called “Old Hickory.” But not to his face.

Martin Van Buren. A veritable dwarf of a man, he was known as “The Little Magician.” Mainly because he would often offer to pull a “rabbit” out of his “hat” at cabinet meetings.

William Henry Harrison. Died of pneumonia a month after taking office. Due to his taciturn nature, no one noticed until he was up for reelection nearly three years later.

John Tyler. Best known for the slogan “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too” due to his inability to adeptly steer water craft.

James K. Polk. A virtual unknown, he favored Manifest Destiny. And frequented a bar called “Man-Eyefest Destiny.”

Zachary Taylor. Known as “Old Rough and Ready,” a name given to him by many DC madams.

Millard Fillmore. The only President to never have any child named after him for fear they’d get their butts kicked at recess.

Franklin Pierce. The non-technical term for a Prince Albert.

James Buchanan. The only President who never married. The Paul Lynde of his time.

Abraham Lincoln. Freed the slaves. Assassinated at a play by John Wilkes Booth. Invented the Lincoln Log. And the luxury automobile.

Andrew Johnson. Started Reconstruction. Impeached for something non-sexual. (How quaint.)

Ulysses S. Grant. A notorious drunkard. Middle name was, surprisingly, Susan.

Rutherford B. Hayes. Um… uh … er … heh … huh … hmmm. His last name was one syllable?

James Garfield. He hated Mondays.

Chester A. Arthur. Signed the Tariff Act of 1883. Yeah, a real party animal.

Grover Cleveland. Could explain the difference between contrasting concepts extremely well, like near and far. Was a terrible waiter. Was furry and blue and had super powers.

Benjamin Harrison. Democrats called him “Little Ben.” And he would often tell them they could bite his “Little Ben.”

Grover Cleveland. Oops, he did it again.

William McKinley. Shot twice by a deranged anarchist while climbing the mountain that still bears his name.

Theodore Roosevelt. The youngest President. He was 12. Like Doogie Howser.

William Howard Taft. Fat. Fat fat fat fat fat. Fatty McFat fat. The dude was HUGE!

Woodrow Wilson. Entered the US into World War I. Created the League of Nations. Cracked up whenever he said his own name.

Warren G. Harding. Plagued by scandals. And psoriasis.

Calvin Coolidge. “Silent Cal.” Never spoke a word. Like Harpo Marx.

Herbert Hoover. Built a dam and patented the vacuum cleaner.

Franklin D. Roosevelt. President for most of the 20th Century. Saw the US through the Great Depression, WWII, the Grapes of Wrath and Betty Grable. Feared fear.

Harry S. Truman. Created the Truman Doctrine and the Marshall Plan and the United Nations and the Atomic Bomb and the Korean War.

Dwight D. Eisenhower. Likeable.

John F. Kennedy. Had back problems. Had the Bay of Pigs. Had Marilyn Monroe. He also claimed to be a jelly-filled doughnut.

Lyndon Baines Johnson. Responsible for the Great Society. And the Vietnam War. So it’s pretty much a wash.

Richard E. Nixon. He WAS a crook.

Gerald R. Ford. Played by Chevy Chase, Ford was the only President not to be elected. And to be defeated by a peanut farmer from Georgia. Which, admittedly, is not something you live down easily.

Jimmy Carter. Saw a UFO. Attacked by a rabbit. Had lust in his heart. My kind of guy.

Ronald Reagan. Single-handedly ended Communism and tore down the Berlin Wall brick by brick by himself. Thanks to the efforts of his wife, drug abuse is now a thing of the past. His is the fifth face on Mount Rushmore. Every major airport and road and city is named after him. He was a god among men. Everyone loves him.

George Bush. Threw up at the drop of a hat. Usually on world leaders.

Bill Clinton. An English major, his persnickety dedication to the proper usage of words and their correct definition proved to be his defining moment. Oh, that and the sax.

George W. Bush. Like father, like son. Except that the father actually got elected and had a modicum of ethical principles.

Barack Obama. The first Kenyan muslim socialist US president. And it’s about damn time, too!

Well, that’s it. All the Presidents. All the information you’ll ever really need to know about them. Unless there’s a test or something.

Happy President(s s’ ‘s) Day!


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